Today's my birthday and I need to vent

[Anonymous]

My husband didn't so much as buy me a card or balloon or even pick a flower from our garden. I had to both organize and pay for my own birthday dinner & to put icing on the proverbial cake he just went to bed without saying goodnight. I had gone to our bedroom to read when I found him asleep and all of the lights upstairs turned off.

He's not mad about anything or being passive aggressive. He didn't forget my birthday.. we discussed it on many occasions. He just got lazy. I know in the grand scheme of things its not important but I just feel really hurt. Truly, a simple card in crayon from him & our baby would have put me over the moon.

[Anonymous]

Happy B-day! Don't be so mad. Maybe you guys can celebrate come the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Happy Birthday! My DD is one today so you have the same birthday treat yourself to something this weekend, you deserve it. Your DH should have done something for you, f him, do something fun for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Sorry? Happy birthday! Maybe you should read him this post. My DH is awesome in so many ways, but often needs things spelled out for him, even when I think it is obvious. How about: "Honey, I was really hurt that you didn't really acknowledge my birthday. I really like it when you give me cards and flowers [or, I would really love to get a card or flowers] It means a lot."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry? Happy birthday! Maybe you should read him this post. My DH is awesome in so many ways, but often needs things spelled out for him, even when I think it is obvious. How about: "Honey, I was really hurt that you didn't really acknowledge my birthday. I really like it when you give me cards and flowers [or, I would really love to get a card or flowers] It means a lot."

Did he grow up with wolves? How does he not know this? Do you have to tell him every year?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an aaa. Why don't you believe you deserve better?

[Anonymous]

First things first: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Second: In our house, you get a birthday WEEK, so feel free to keep celebrating.

And third, the nitty gritty: this behavior from your husband can't be a surprise, no? i mean it's not like every year he plans this fabulous surprise and sweeps you off your feet. This is probably a pattern.

You have a few choices:
--keep expecting him to come through and be thoroughly disappointed when he doesn't. Just don't be surprised when you keep getting the same result.

--plan everything out for him and put reminders on his calendar, leave sticky notes around the house, send him to the store with a specific list including cake, card and flowers.

--plan to be away for your birthday. Go somewhere fun with your friends or siblings. Even if it's just an overnight in a hotel where you get a massage and room service, just go.

Everyone has different expectations around their birthday. I'm like you and want someone to fuss over me just a little. I've figured out how to get my needs met for me. If my spouse also comes through, then great. But if not, I still have a great birthday because I planned for a great birthday.

Again, Happy Birthday! As soon as you're done reading this, go plan something fun for you-- book a facial or head out to your favorite bookstore or go see a movie. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

yes! happy birthday and i hope you go and do some fun things for your birthday! for next year, it will be simple enough to say to your husband a week in advance, "when you have the chance can you work on a little birthday card with zoe today? it will be nice to teach her small ways for us to celebrate family birthdays. the crayons and paper are here on the counter." enjoy the week.

[Anonymous]

I am frustrated for you. Your husband knew this was important to you and didn't even put in minimal effort? Something has gotta change.

[Anonymous]

guy here. can i throw out some assumptions and you tell me if im wrong.

you are a hard ass who needs everything to "be right" and fall into place etc to the point that anything your husband does "isnt right". so if he did make dinner reservations, it was for the wrong restaurant, if he did get you flowers, they were the wrong kind. you just an ass overall.

with that said, your husband has given up because there is no pleasing you. sure he can bust his ass for you and all but if he knows you will nitpick the hell out of everything he did, why bother putting any effort since the result is going to be negative?

again, i am totally assuming here and am not saying with certainty that this is who you are. just throwing it out there for thought.

[Anonymous]

And yet another woman who cannot seem to communicate with her DH about what she wants. Another woman who than goes online to rant about her husband who is clueless because she expects him to read her mind. Some guys need a little help. Next time, tell him what you'd like to do for your birthday. Tell him you don't want to plan your own birthday. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and speak up. Be a grown up.

[Anonymous]

Happy birthday, OP!

I know how you feel. My birthday is tomorrow and DH is similar to yours. I'm not going to change him so I have devised a system that makes us both happy.

I bought myself tickets to an event I really wanted to go to, told him they were "from" him, and will go on my merry way. He liked the idea so much he bought himself tickets to a separate event the day before his birthday later in the year. So I'm off the hook for a birthday present for him too.

[Anonymous]

Happy Birthday! Men just don't think the way we do, OP. It was years before my DH understood how important my birthday was to me.

PP was being too harsh, I feel, but I do agree that you have to let your DH know what you'd like to happen. In my DH's family, they never even call each other until night time, when one's birthday is almost over. My family always called first thing in the morning, and made a big deal about birthdays. Families do things differently, and a lot of men just don't think birthdays are a big deal. Give him a chance to do better next year, with your suggestions.

[Anonymous]

I'm usually disappointed by the birthday as well, and while I agree with other PPs that we all are better off when we communicate about what we want, what many of us want is for someone to be excited about it for us. to put in the effort to find a gift we would love or a new restaurant that serves a favorite dish, etc. it is the effort (as well as the result). so yes, i could get what i want if i planned/bought it myself, but that just makes it another day that ends in y, not something different for my birthday. no matter how much i do for myself or choreograph it for him to do, it doesn't mean as much because it is without enthusiasm and excitement.

i've grown accustomed to the fact that i will never get what i want from my husband -- for him to care about my birthday and want to do something fun/different/that requires planning. i have chosen to live with it because doing it all myself is even worse.

anyway, belated birthday greetings, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:guy here. can i throw out some assumptions and you tell me if im wrong.

you are a hard ass who needs everything to "be right" and fall into place etc to the point that anything your husband does "isnt right". so if he did make dinner reservations, it was for the wrong restaurant, if he did get you flowers, they were the wrong kind. you just an ass overall.

with that said, your husband has given up because there is no pleasing you. sure he can bust his ass for you and all but if he knows you will nitpick the hell out of everything he did, why bother putting any effort since the result is going to be negative?

again, i am totally assuming here and am not saying with certainty that this is who you are. just throwing it out there for thought.

OP here and you're totally wrong. All I expect is just a thoughtfulness. Last year he surprised me with a simple birthday cake and cooked me dinner at home. I was really moved and had an amazing birthday. He had ordered a birthday gift but it hadn't arrived yet. Again, really happy that he went through the effort. On Valentine's Day he gave me tulips and chocolates. Again, I was so over the moon because of his thoughtfulness. I don't ask for much I just want a small gesture and token of appreciation.