What if you think you might love someone other than your spouse?

[Anonymous]

This man and I have been friends for a long time and we started working at the same office. At first I thought it was just a rekindled crush, but almost two years down the road and I find myself thinking about him all the time. My DH and I are not in a good place-- we fight constantly, but deep down I still love him and don't want to risk hurting him or our children. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Stop thinking about this man and focus on your marriage. Your kids need you fully engaged. Go to counseling. Wake up every morning and ask yourself, "What am I going to do to help my marriage?" Fight for your marriage.

Fixating on the guy at work is just an escape. I'm sure he's really dreamy because you don't have to live with him, raise children with him or have difficult conversations with him.

bottom line--require more of yourself.

[Anonymous]

change jobs

[Anonymous]

Congratulations - you're really married. She is fighting for her marriage. When you just don't care there are no internal or external struggles.

[Anonymous]

This is the stuff of emotional affairs and they are an escape. Seriously, what do you want to happen? Leave your husband for this guy and go off into the sunset? Love feelings fade, real love is actions - kindness, patience, forgiveness. You are in a bubble with this guy. Think about it, you once felt these same feelings for your DH, and they faded. Your feelings with this guy will too. You will still have to deal with the every day crap with him, the mortgage, bills, raising kids and stepkids, job stresses, life stresses. Sexual passion will fade too.

The players will have changed but the game will be same, only a ton more stressful because now there are exes and stepchildren and pain of divorce. Recommit to your marriage and you can recover a lot of the good stuff - when intimacy grows everything will improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the stuff of emotional affairs and they are an escape. Seriously, what do you want to happen? Leave your husband for this guy and go off into the sunset? Love feelings fade, real love is actions - kindness, patience, forgiveness. You are in a bubble with this guy. Think about it, you once felt these same feelings for your DH, and they faded. Your feelings with this guy will too. You will still have to deal with the every day crap with him, the mortgage, bills, raising kids and stepkids, job stresses, life stresses. Sexual passion will fade too.

The players will have changed but the game will be same, only a ton more stressful because now there are exes and stepchildren and pain of divorce. Recommit to your marriage and you can recover a lot of the good stuff - when intimacy grows everything will improve.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a crush to me...

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's necessarily true to say "you felt this way once about your husband." That may be true for some, but I don't know if it's true for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's necessarily true to say "you felt this way once about your husband." That may be true for some, but I don't know if it's true for all.

Well, then she shouldn't have married him. But before I made a major life decision like affair or divorce, I would do some reflecting on why I had settled for marriage. That is kind of a big deal....if you don't like yourself enough to marry someone you really love than you have some soul-searching and work to do to get there.

[Anonymous]

It's just an escape from reality, OP. Think of him farting in bed or how his smelly socks make you ill when he leaves them in the middle of the bathroom floor. Men are men, and when that glow wears off, they stink and snore and pick their noses, just like the rest of humanity. It's not all perfection that's fuzzy wuzzy and beautiful or hot and passionate -- things that sound missing from your marriage.

Get another job, OP, and stop yourself from thinking about this man. You'll ruin your children's lives, for what? Some transient passion that won't last, as PPs have said.

If you are not already in counseling, get thee to a counselor pronto. And tell the counselor about this man, in front of your DH. It's normal to fantasize about the "perfect" man when you are in a bad place with your DH, but pull your head out of the sand, OP! That "perfect" man does not exist!! He's a figment of your imagination. This guy you are fantasizing about all the time, he may appear to be real to you, but he's something you created in your own mind. Once you realize that, you will be able to let go of this crush and get back to fixing your real life.

[Anonymous]

Stay away from this man OP. I say this from experience.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like an affair you created in your mind alone. Let. It. Go.

[Anonymous]

This has been going for two years? Did I read that right? If so, advice to just let it go is probably not going to help. Beyond that, it's not really clear. Does Other Man know the depth of your feelings?

[FBO]

You will need to find out the other dudes intent with you first, before you can plan or decide anything about your current life.

Make educated decisions.

[Anonymous]

What if? You grow the fuck up. Seriously. I'm divorced, and went through a number of years of having a bad marriage beforehand. But until I asked for the divorce and we became officially separated, I never let myself look at other men as potential mates. I just never allowed myself to think that way. I was either married, in which case I wasn't going to consider other men, or I was ready to end my marriage, in which case I would allow myself to consider other men - once I took care of the details of finding a lawyer, telling my spouse, working out custody, etc.