Will she leave her husband for me?
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Anonymous
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I am a woman and co-worker and I have been working together for about 2 years. We became very close and best friends after about the first 6 months, like we had known each other forever. Slowly, she began discussing problems she was having in her marriage of 8 years. He drank all the time to the point of passing out, did not disclose to her about not wanting a baby (something she very much wanted) for almost 7 years, and has problems with his family accepting her which they often argued about. Other than that, he is a good guy and has done nothing terribly wrong in their marriage. He just isn't proactive and is a bit selfish in his ways. She said they were like roommates.
About 9 months ago something shifted for us. Neither of us has ever been with another woman but we both started having feelings for one another, to the point where we both wanted to know if there was something more there. So we kissed and realized we had an intense passion for one another. I told her I could not be with someone that was married, so she left him after the first 2 weeks and they have been separated every since. We continued our relationship non-stop, hot and heavy, for the past 9 months. In legal terms, it is a 6 month wait to file for divorce. During this time they meet every 2-3 weeks to talk about their problems, etc. We spent almost every hour together during this time, not because I needed to, but because she wanted to be with me and I her. I noticed the past month or so she seemed more distant and has expressed guilt for the way she left things. We are in love with each other and have had many conversations about our lives together, but something just didn't seem right the last time they spoke. She came back afterwards and was visibly upset that he had said he wanted a divorce. This confused me as she is the one that walked out. Is it an ego thing? Has she not had time to really process the end of their relationship? He had done nothing the past 9 months to 'win' her back or reconcile the marriage. I did something terrible, but looked at her phone one day and saw that she had told her friend 'he wants a divorce, i can't believe it! I went there to work things out, regardless of 'me,' i wanted to make it work.' This threw me for a loop. What does she want? So I decided to tell her straight forward that I love her and want to be with her, but she has to deal with her past and decide what she wants. I immediately regretted doing this, and asked if there was another way, but she agreed that we have already taken this step and it has to be done in order for her to deal with her past and more forward in one direction. I'm terrified that I have lost the love of my life because I let her go too soon. Maybe I should have waited longer? It had only been 9 months, but a very intense 9 months where I felt this person was my soulmate. I wanted to move forward. I just hope my 'take a break' talk does not create a desire for her to go back and 'fix' things with her husband. Or maybe it will. I'm so confused as I am not the one who initiated nor went after her, even asking her to take space at the beginning. Now she says she wished she had because she is so confused now and doesn't know how to move forward without feeling guilty. I told her I would be here and that she needed to make a decision. She does not want to talk besides about work stuff. Should I just take this as a sign that we are over? Or does she really just need some space to sort out her true feelings and be able to really move on from her marriage? Again, our relationship has been amazing and intense the past 9 months. |
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
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| There may be also uncertainty about the whole "Am I a lesbian?" thing. She has alot to think about, the state of and the possibility of her marriage, her sexuality, and yes her ego about being the one told that her husband wants a divorce. Give her space. |
Anonymous
| Hmm...there are no kids involved so that is a plus, however, its rare for people to leave for an affair, especially one with the complications of being a same-sex relationship. It might be something to get her through a bad marriage/time, but do you think its something she would change her life over? Does her family know about it? Would they accept it? |
Anonymous
| To answer your question, no, she will not. You were taken for a ride and now it's over. |
Anonymous
| Just as I would tell a gf, never get involved with a separated person. They are still married and you never know what may happen in that relationship - i.e. reconciliation. As you are finding out, it is very possible to find yourself with a broken heart. Wait until the marriage is ended (divorce) before getting involved. |
Anonymous
| There are no kids involved and we discussed telling people. We have each told several friends about the relationship, her best friend is gay so she is not afraid of that 'label' nor am I. I do think her family would accept it and as everyone has said so far, 'we just want you to be happy.' Many of her friends expressed they didn't think he was right for her from the beginning when they were separated. I have honestly never felt like this about anyone. Again, she was the one that went after me and a relationship. She reminded me their relationship was over before, but I think her guilt has made her want to go back to make sure things are really over between them. I guess my question is whether or not to hold out hope for more. We each gave one another a 'token' to remind each other that this is what needs to happen to be able to move forward. That the past needs to be dealt with, good or bad. It's something that should have been done in the beginning but you know how the start of things are. |
Anonymous
| Also, her husband asked about 'us' in one of their previous discussions and she denied it. She didn't want that to be a reason for their divorce because it would be for many other things. If she goes back though, how can she live with the knowledge that she had an emotional and physical relationship for 9 months and never tell him? How could that work? |
Anonymous
people do that all the time. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
| I know it's difficult, but you really need to walk away from this situation. She needs to figure out what she wants (which may be a relationship with you) and she needs space and time to do that. You can let her know how you feel but maintain your self-respect and take care of yourself right now. |
Anonymous
I was in a somewhat similar situationa and really wish I had been a lot more composed. |
Anonymous
Google Frank Pittman infidelity. He's done a ton of research and worked with who have had affairs for years, and basically his theory (which a lot of other experts agree with but he has some interesting articles) is that an affair is a drug. An addiction, an escape. Affairs can go on for a long time, but affairs that try to turn into primary relationships typically don't last. Very few make it to the one year mark as a primary relationship, even fewer go on to two years. Everyone wants to think they are the exception but stats are not on your side. If you want to continue the relationship, support her, back off, and enjoy the affair, knowing you are being selfish and not doing the best thing for her or you. But expecting it to be a primary relationship is silly and naive. |
Anonymous
| Sorry, but I call clever troll. The creativity some of these bored moms have, both for creating this stuff and answering it! |
Anonymous
| Definitely not making this shit up. I wish I was... |
Anonymous
| From your small description of what's going on, I see her going back to her husband, and if not, not being with you longterm. Sorry, but you're a rebound, and they usually don't last long. Don't waste your time. |