Not inviting my friend's to my child's party

[Anonymous]

My child is turning 9 this year. In past years when I had parties for my DD, I have invited my friend's children, who are younger than my child, to her party. My child does play with these kids when we get together on occasion but the moms are really my friends and we do things without the kids on a regular basis. My DD is happy to play with these kids when we are at get togethers as families but outside of that, she never mentions them or requests playdates with them and if asked, she wouldn't name them as friends. I think this mostly has to do with the age gap (one child is 3 (almost 4) and the other just turned 5).

This year we are doing a smaller party for DD with just her close friends. It's more of an outing than a party and I find that as kids get older this is becoming more common. The problem is my friends are still expecting that their children will be invited to the "party" even though I have explained very gently and nicely that DD is doing a special outing with a few close friends. My friend with the 3 yr old remarked "That's great!, my little snowflake will be so excited about this". When I reiterated it's just an outing for my DD's close friends, my friend replied "well, my little snowflake is one of her close friends!" I was pretty taken aback that she really thought this and couldn't think of any nice way to respond. The other friend seems to think the same way - that her DD should also be included in the outing. I think part of this is that their kids are still really young and at the stage where parties tend to include everyone under the sun - school friends, parents friends, siblings friends, etc. My DD doesn't want to include these kids and quite frankly neither do I as I don't think it will be a good mix of kids and really my DD just wants to hang out with her little tween friends and I am ok with that. Add to the fact that it is an expensive outing.

I don't plan on mentioning this again to either friend but should it come up, what's the nicest way to get the point across that their kids won't be invited and that they as parents will understand one day.

[Anonymous]

Why would you bring it up if the kids weren't invited? Did it just come up in conversation, or did you just start talking about it?

[Anonymous]

I find it hard to believe that anybody would think a 3 year old could be close friends. The age gap is too large for a reasonable "friendship" to exist. If you don't want to be blunt, perhaps say it's an outing that's only appropriate for older children.

[Anonymous]

I would simply not bring it up next time. We also made this switch a few years ago, and i think people understood that she is a big kid now and wants to do her own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe that anybody would think a 3 year old could be close friends. The age gap is too large for a reasonable "friendship" to exist. If you don't want to be blunt, perhaps say it's an outing that's only appropriate for older children.

Agree with this. How could a 3 year old and 9 year be great friends? Tell them the party isn't age appropriate for little children and that your daughter requested only a few children that she picked out herself. Yes, just blame it on the child.

[Anonymous]

I would say she's just doing a 9 YO thing. Maybe you can do a separate playdate with the other friends and cupcakes? Then your daughter gets two bdays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say she's just doing a 9 YO thing. Maybe you can do a separate playdate with the other friends and cupcakes? Then your daughter gets two bdays

This might be a good alternative if it comes up again. But I think I'd be a little more direct and just say she's at an age where she prefers to celebrate with kids her own age.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, OP. Right now my daughter is 3 and we're still having parties with my friends and their kids who are close in age to my daughter (and with whom we do playdates) but eventually it'll be just her school friends. I think most people will get that. And they probably won't even ask. (I like 21:30's idea.)

[Anonymous]

You might even go further, and comment on how this is what all the 9 year olds are doing these days, they have parties just with their peers, not the larger parties that younger kids have. which is true. maybe your friends, having young kids, are just totally clueless about this development among the older-kid set? Not to say your friends are justified.

[Anonymous]

Instead of saying that she picked her close friends, why not just say she's doing something with her school friends or her 4th grade class? That way it's all about age and not about who is a close friend and who is not. I'm guessing these are FTMs who don't yet realize that a 3 yr old's birthday party can include everyone because it is more of a parent run party, whereas a 9 yr old's party is more kid centered and would not necessarily include parents' friends kids etc.

[Anonymous]

I would just say, sorry Lucy just wants some girl friends to help her celebrate her birthday. May your friend's snowflakes can come over for some Betty Crocker cupcakes on an afternoon

I'm sorry your friends are not seeing the big picture here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe that anybody would think a 3 year old could be close friends. The age gap is too large for a reasonable "friendship" to exist. If you don't want to be blunt, perhaps say it's an outing that's only appropriate for older children.

Agree with this. How could a 3 year old and 9 year be great friends? Tell them the party isn't age appropriate for little children and that your daughter requested only a few children that she picked out herself. Yes, just blame it on the child.

yeah I call BS on this post. Why are you bringing up a party that the kids aren't invited to? My son is turning 9 in June and he has a little brother that turned 4 last week-no way in hell would he call a 3 year old a friend. Just FYI-he is taking three friends to an amusement park for his birthday and they are sleeping over afterwards.

[Anonymous]

I don't call BS. A parent of a child from my child's preschool (when we invited the whole class to b-day last year) asked my husband about our plans for our child's birthday party this year. Our plans are that we are inviting friends only and this mom's child is not a friend. My husband answered that he didn't now the plans. But it was unbelievable that a parent would ask about plans for my son's b-day party. But believe it.

[Anonymous]

I would bring it up again, since your friend just didn't get it.

I would say something like, "So, I know you said snowflake is looking forward to DD's party, but this year DD really just wanted to do an outing with her close friend from her school/4th grade class (?), the big kids (?). So sorry, I guess she is at that age.......

If your friend is hurt by this, or still doesn't get it, she's an idiot. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why people are calling BS. If you are good friends with someone who has always been invited to birthday parties in the past, then yes, why wouldn't the conversation come up? I always ask my BFF if she has any plans for her DD's birthday parties because I want to know ahead of time if I should save the date, even though her DD is quite a bit older than mine. If she had told me that her DD wanted a party with just her school friends, I would have been fine with that though, so maybe your friends are just not getting it? Time to be more direct