Bullying issue -- what can I expect the school to do?

[Anonymous]

I have just learned from my middle schooler that he's the subject of some fairly vicious bullying about a physical characteristic of his. He hasn't wanted to tell me about it because he feels ashamed.

Now that I know, I'm wondering the best course of action. The problem is, it's a class-wide problem, although there are some apparent ringleaders. The second problem is that his friends sometimes join in. (I guess I use the term "friends" loosely.)

I can't file a bullying report against the whole class. I don't know the ringleaders' parents. He doesn't want me to talk to the school counselor, but I feel like that might be the best approach.

Any words of advice?

[Anonymous]

Try and first learn what they were teasing him about. If he can't tell you, well, at some point, he will have to tell others. If the school is public, sadly, they seem apathetic to this, even in this day and age. If private, and $$$ is involved, well, money talks and walks.

I would try and gather all the facts, as best you can, including the names, etc. Then approach the school via their recommended approach. His ability to learn has been threatened. And, I think bullying is against the law. You need to be your kids' advocate in this. Kids hurt themselves over this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Your single goal is to protect your child. There is no good reason you can't report the entire class and that the school should not investigate and discipline every single student who is involved. My son has been the victim of bullying and I found that the school investigated and acted swiftly and in accordance with the discipline policy. On one occasion a student was actually expelled from the school because of something he did to my son. What I have always done is to send an e-mail to the principal, vice principal in charge of my child's grade and guidance counselor. I provide as much information as I know, but it's their job to investigate and take action. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I know what they were teasing about -- just don't want to be specific here.

PP, did you talk to your child in advance about what you were going to do in terms of reporting it?

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

All they are going to do is sing kumbaya and have a program about bullying. And as soon as the program is over it will continue.

[Anonymous]

^^ this is my fear, really. But I can't just do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Tough situation. I have a MSer too. We have had to file 2 bullying forms regarding the same boy.

The major con about reporting the entire class is that he will be universally ostracized and you have just given the class another reason to gang up on him.

I would go after the ringleader with all the resources the school provides. If he/she gets appropriate discipline, it may cause the others to back off.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP. What happened after you filed the bullying forms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know what they were teasing about -- just don't want to be specific here.

PP, did you talk to your child in advance about what you were going to do in terms of reporting it?

Yes, I did tell my son and I didn't ask him if it was ok. And, unlike some of the posters after me, he was never picked on by the same kid again after we reported it. The school was very responsive and proactive. One of the things they did was to station a janitor in the boys locker room to clean when my son was scheduled to change to and from PE clothes ecause the school recognized the potential for problems.

ES was an entirely different story. They had their heads buried in the sand and didn't even acknowledge the bullying until I informed them that in the future I will call the police I stead of the principal. Physical violence was involved so I had to be sure my son was going to be safe. Amazingly, he was never hurt again, but it left a bad taste in my mouth and I still have two kids in that school.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks PP. One of the hard things is that my DS isn't the typical target in many adults' eyes (tall, well-spoken, seems well-liked ...), and the worst offender is a girl. I'm anticipating that it will be hard to get them to believe this is going on (although I have specific examples) or do something about it

[Anonymous]

I would contact the counselor first.

Depending on the physical characteristic you are talking about, the school is obligated by law to intervene if this would constitute discrimination under a number of anti-discrimination statutes:

http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/letters/colleague-201010.html

[Anonymous]

PP here (again). Girl bullies are tough because they are so serepitious about their bullying. My experience has been totally with boy bullies or violent girl bullies. I hear from other moms that they have a much tougher time with non violent girl bullies and they have to work harder with the school. But, their kids appreciate that the moms are working to protect them. I hope this goes well for, OP. ,I am so many years Into this but I remember the first time I was confronted with it and it was terribly difficult to figure out what to do.

[Anonymous]

Either teach your kid to laugh it off or go in there and kick ass and take names. Also, a good pop in the nose of the ringleader is known to fix this problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks PP. One of the hard things is that my DS isn't the typical target in many adults' eyes (tall, well-spoken, seems well-liked ...), and the worst offender is a girl. I'm anticipating that it will be hard to get them to believe this is going on (although I have specific examples) or do something about it

That makes it tougher. I had a friend who had a rather jarring scare on his face frm a car accident when he was young. When we got to middle school and where there were new kids, a couple made comments. He just confronted them verbally -- but calmly, showing more irritation than anger. It started with something like, you don't think I have a mirror, you think I don't know what I look like? So what? Then ther person would make their responsive comment -- your ugly, etc. And he'd respond with something like, yeah, so what? That would bring a comment like, I hate having to look at you. He'd respond with something like, so don't look at me, what's your problem? And frm there it could get a bit harder edged with my friend suggesting that the bully was checking him because he was gay. The reason I think this worked was because, 1) he wouldn't let the remaks pass by, 2) he would stay calm while confronting the other guy -- after all why should he be ashamed he had a scar, 3) he showed that he as not an easy target. The offender normally moved on to bother someone else. And my buddy did this before the movie Roxanne, with Steve Martin, came out. The problem with getting the school involved is that they can't do anything when he's hanging out with kids on the weekend etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks PP. What happened after you filed the bullying forms?

PP here. My DS' incidents were verbal teasing that escalated into semi-physical things (knocking books of desk, slamming locker door). Well, the first time the boy got 3 days' detention. The second time he was suspended for 3 days. In both cases, the counselor followed up with us and talked to DS about the incident. Under the circumstances, they were very responsive and tried to resolve things.

Unfortunately or fortunately, the only thing that stopped the bullying was DS threatening to kick the boy's a$$. DS is known for his gentle heart and is the perfect target, but he is a red belt in karate and physically capable of doing some damage. The boy did some checking around with other students and verified this. He left him alone after that.

GL