Bullying issue -- what can I expect the school to do?

[Anonymous]

OP,

The key here is your son. What does he want you to do? If he's opposed to your speaking to the school, things could backfire. I would consider trying to persuade him to do that, I believe circumstances warrant it. As for the dynamic, I think the school will believe a girl is a ringleader. But as for "going after the ringleader," as on PP suggested, I think if you speak to the school you should describe the mob mentality. A ringleader can't do much without an audience.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Because you're dealing with a girl ringleader, you might check out Queen Bees and Wannabees. It has specific suggestions about how to confront a "Queen Bee."

[Anonymous]

Good idea -- i have that book.

[Anonymous]

I attended an anxiety workshop at my son's elementary school a couple of weeks ago. The speaker mentioned to do exactly what your friend did if there was ever a bully...basically keep asking questions back. Apparently it shows that you are confident in yourself and it makes the bully uncomfortable. Looks like it worked for your friend!

Anonymous wrote:
That makes it tougher. I had a friend who had a rather jarring scare on his face frm a car accident when he was young. When we got to middle school and where there were new kids, a couple made comments. He just confronted them verbally -- but calmly, showing more irritation than anger. It started with something like, you don't think I have a mirror, you think I don't know what I look like? So what? Then ther person would make their responsive comment -- your ugly, etc. And he'd respond with something like, yeah, so what? That would bring a comment like, I hate having to look at you. He'd respond with something like, so don't look at me, what's your problem? And frm there it could get a bit harder edged with my friend suggesting that the bully was checking him because he was gay. The reason I think this worked was because, 1) he wouldn't let the remaks pass by, 2) he would stay calm while confronting the other guy -- after all why should he be ashamed he had a scar, 3) he showed that he as not an easy target. The offender normally moved on to bother someone else. And my buddy did this before the movie Roxanne, with Steve Martin, came out. The problem with getting the school involved is that they can't do anything when he's hanging out with kids on the weekend etc.

[Anonymous]

Teach your son to ignore it. It will eventually go away if no target.

[Anonymous]

Is there something that can be done with this "physical characteristic".ex .if it's the nose..have it fixed. I realize people will get mad at me for saying this but I am a huge believer that if you can fix something..do it.

[Anonymous]

Getting the "problem" (ie nose) fixed may help in the short term, but bullies will find something else to target him for, and doesn't teach him how to deal with bullies. There will always be another situation and something he can't "fix".

[Anonymous]

I agree but I think a kid has to have good self esteem and if you are dealing with a physical thing ..that you can change why not. Ex I sae the kid from the move "bully" and I thought..man get that boys teeth fixed and work with him on his speech..help hi, be all he can be. I remember growing up that kids who were bullied tended to be a bit unkempt and have some weird things about them that made them a target..I always felt bad..even when I was little and wanted to help them. Recently a friend had a step son whose parents were arduing over payment of braces..said friend finally stepped in and told her husband they should just get it done and not continue the argument with the mom..she realized. (she is a teacher) how important it is to have the teeth handled

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos,, have a child sleeping on me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there something that can be done with this "physical characteristic".ex .if it's the nose..have it fixed. I realize people will get mad at me for saying this but I am a huge believer that if you can fix something..do it.

Hi, OP here. No, it's not fixable.

[Anonymous]

I'm a huge fan of 21:01's solution, in addition to working with the school. It's hard and takes guts but would be a tool that could be used for the rest of his life.

Wondering though, would pushing it back work the same on girls? I can see it working on boys but girls are a bit different.

[Anonymous]

I recommend Bullies to Buddies ever since I went to a workshop a few years ago and had success using the techniques for my own DCs. The concept is that most school bullying programs don't work and going to an adult for help can only make things worse. They suggest strategies similar to those mentioned by 21:01. The website sells books but your DC can also do phone counseling to help come up with strategies to deal with the problem:
https://bullies2buddies.com/Counseling/

[Anonymous]

Our experience is that public makes more of an effort - but as others have pointed out it is a difficult problem to solve with the girls. My husband was in the guidance office for a testing issue and witnessed a group of persps being called down from class to be confronted. In private school, where our DD had the problem herself, they nodded and smiled when we talked but did nothing. Later they said the situation was handled well because the rest of the class was not affected by what happened to our kid. Yah, so happy to have been of service in that way.

[Anonymous]

NP here- I would talk to the school counselor. When DD was in middle school, ours was extremely helpful and competent. I'm sure it can vary school by school, but they may be an unexpected ally.