Issues with my Mom

[Anonymous]

I live in NOVA and my mom lives in Norfolk. Early in my pregnancy, she insisted on coming up a week after the baby was born, staying with us, and "helping out." For a myriad of reasons, this would have driven my husband and I crazy. With lots of thought and tact, we gently stated that we needed that time to bond as a small family.

She didn't talk to me for about three months. Wanting to mend fences before the birth, I sent her an email with directions to the hospital, assurances that we would call her the moment I went into labor, and instructions about hotels near the hospital. She thanked us, and said that she would only stay for the birth, as this was a special time just for us. Also wanted to get us a night nurse to help us out. It was a gracious, generous offer that we declined. (too much money we thought, and we don't need it.)

I am due next week. Today she said that she wants to come this weekend. I don't know if I can handle a week of her before I am due. Don't know if I can handle long hours of labor with her.

I am being a spoiled brat, aren't I?

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are being a spoiled brat at all. My parents (with whom I am quite close and both my husband and I get on with really well) wanted to come down just before the birth of my first. I was just so tired, uncomfortable, nervous, busy trying to tie things up at work, etc. and I couldn't bear the thought of them sitting around jumping out of their skins every time I groaned. I told them to come after the baby was born, and I'm so glad I did. I think it is time to make it all about you and what you need at this point! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You are not being a spoiled brat at all. I would also not want my Mom staying with me the week before the birth. This is your time, you will have a ton of things going through your mind and she should be a bit more understanding. My mother is coming approx one month after my due date, I don't think I could handle a new baby and my mother at the same time. Don't get me wrong, I love her but she can be a bit difficult.

[Anonymous]

Chances are you will want some help around week 3. After having my 2 babies, I have made a mental note to really help them when they have kids because it can be tough. But I also know what it's like to have a difficult relationship with your mother. It's great that she is trying to help you - especially the offer of a night nurse (I would have loved one!). If I were you, I would ask her if it would be okay to wait and see when it is a difficult period for you. I think you will find that you lean on her more than you thought you would once baby has arrived.

[Anonymous]

OP here-

Thanks folks, for the feedback. Part of what is complicating this is that my mother has hinted that I am being selfish. That this experience is not just about me becoming a mom, but her becoming a grandmother. When I told her that she might be here WAY early if I don't deliver on my due date, but have to be induced, she explained that this was her choice and something she gets to decide. And that she is staying in a hotel.

*sigh*

[Anonymous]

16.04 here.

In that case, it's not about helping you! How awful! Her feelings have been hurt, I guess. But she should know not to stress you out at a time like this. When baby comes you will have so much else to worry about that you will probably be able to ignore her more than you can now! My mother is a little like that - she is much easier to deal with when she gets her own way. Great that she's staying in a hotel!

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are being selfish or a spoiled brat at all. Your mom is being demanding... and I am a week overdue so you are too right about the possibility that you will be late. If it will make you distracted or anxious to have to worry about her being here until the delivery, you have EVERY RIGHT to tell her that, and she should not be offended. I am super close to my family, but the idea of even my mother just hanging around and waiting for a week or two would make me absolutely nuts.

[Anonymous]

I was very worried about when my mother would come and whether she would drive me crazy and I realized that the pre-delivery worry was driving me crazy. In the end, I decided that I wouldn't worry about it. I told her why I thought she shouldn't come until I actually went into labor (it's not like she would be permitted in the delivery room) and she said she wanted to come any way. I think she will be uncomfortable and bored sitting in a hospital waiting area, but I've decided that's her problem and not mine.

Good luck and if she's willing to pay for a night nurse I'd definitely take her up on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of what is complicating this is that my mother has hinted that I am being selfish. That this experience is not just about me becoming a mom, but her becoming a grandmother. When I told her that she might be here WAY early if I don't deliver on my due date, but have to be induced, she explained that this was her choice and something she gets to decide. And that she is staying in a hotel.

*sigh*

NO - this is entirely about you! don't give in to that BS emotional manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Hey - my mom lives in Norfolk too! I don't want people coming to visit until my husband goes back to work - so the baby will be at least 2-3 weeks old then. My in-laws are visiting shortly before my due date and I'm not looking forward to it either. I just want the month before #2 is born to be about spending time with my husband and son...instead of having to share the last month of my pregnancy with others (let alone cook and clean for them!). My husband says that if i let them visit before the baby is born they won't rush to visit so soon after #2 is born.

[Anonymous]

My mother and I have had a love/hate relationship for years. She was the last person who I thought I wanted around after giving birth. Well, after 2O+ hours of labor and a couple of hours of pushing followed by a c-section, I turned to my husband and said "Call my Mom". After I was discharged from the hospital, hubby and I spent a couple of days at home alone together and then my Mom came for a week. I hate to admit it but I was so wrong and I was so THANKFUL she was there for us! She cooked for us, cleaned the house, did the laundry, took care of our dogs -- really, I wouldn't have survived that first week without her. Especially, after a c-section. Don't be surprised if you feel differently about things after the birth of your baby. Everything changes when that little person enters the world! I have a much better relationship with my Mom these days. Best of luck to you and I hope everything goes smoothly!

[Anonymous]

My advice is to do what makes you most comfortable, try to explain your preferences to your mom as best you can, but avoid accommodating others out of guilt or a sense of obligation at this time. I had an amazing relationship with my mother and when she arrived (with my dad) at our house only minutes after we arrived home from the hospital with our son I wasn't worried about it. They had driven 9 hours, brought food and presents, and were out of their heads with excitement over the first grandchild. We on the other hand were already exhausted, overwhelmed and stressed - and the first few days only exacerbated that. My parents meant well but having not been around babies for decades were not really helpful in ways that we needed. We have a small house, it poured nonstop, and my husband and I were just wrecked by sleeplessnes and anxiety while my parents just wanted to make big meals and celebrate. As a result we fought and sniped nonstop and NO ONE enjoyed that week at all. I was a whole different person when she came for a return visit around 4-6 weeks post-partum. My mother died when my son was 2, and I always regret that first week, both my own behavior and the whole scene. For us, we needed the time and space to get a handle on the parenthood thing and had recovered a bit from the birth. Ths time around I literally want no one at the house for the first week or two except my husband, kids, and the grocery/takeout delivery folks and a cleaning person!

[Anonymous]

I gave my mom all the "rules" of what she can and cannot do and told her not to come--like another poster-I was sad she wasn't there. It was a mistake and yes I was being selfish--pregnancy does bring up a bit of me me me. As for the night nurse--rethink that one-and agree that week three is the optimum time to have it--all the excitement starts to go down and the sleep and lack of seems to really get you--I was say thank you to that one.

[Anonymous]

You aren't being selfish at all. Your mother is the one being selfish. THose last weeks of pregnancy, the whole birthing process, and the first few weeks as new parents are stressful enough -- you don't need anyone there who is going to cause additional stress. Be firm and stick to what you and your husband want. If your mother gets mad, she gets mad. But don't let her ruin this time for you. And even if she's made now, chances are she'll get over it once she actually does see the baby.

[Anonymous]

Selfish? No. Putting down healthy boundaries to a woman that does not handle them well (IGNORED YOU FOR THREE MONTHS?!?!?) Yes.

That being said, find a way to include your mom and will make both of you happy, i.e be specific about when she can come and how she can help and let her know that you value her and may actually need her. It will go a long way. But again, if you do not put the boundaries down now, it will be a LONG BITTER ROAD!

Good luck!