Extended family therapy?

[Anonymous]

My extended family has become quite dysfunctional in recent years. My brother and I have always had a love/hate relationship. We're very different from each other and each married people the other doesn't get along with. Add small children (two each) and different parenting and the fact that my brother and i each have our own issuea with my parents and we have a situation where it's hard for everybody to be together even for a couple of hours. We all live in the DC area (Montgomery and Fairfax counties). It makes me sad, and I know it's especially hard for my mom.

Is there such a thing as family therapy/counseling for extended families with adult children? When I google family therapy I get links about helping families cope with divorce or substance abuse. Has anybody gone to therapy with their parents amd siblings as adults? And if yes, was it helpful, and can you recommend someone in lower Mont Co or in NoVa?

[Anonymous]

I admire you for wanting to tackle this, but speaking as someone who has gone to individual therapy and family therapy in various combinations, I think it would be hard to manage this large a group. I recommend that you break this down into generational cohorts. If you are having problems with your family of origin, perhaps you can start by engaging with them, for instance. Or with your brother.

[Anonymous]

Also, don't take this on because your mom is sad. She needs to deal with that on her own. That's a subject for her own therapy.

[Anonymous]

I agree this is admirable, but read on...

A friend of mine married into a family that goes to someone who specializes is multi-generational issues with families of divorce. Whenever issues came up they all went back to therapy and they were used to this from childhood and it helped. This woman is in a different area, but she is known as an expert.

Here's where I get negative. There are some therapists out there who to make a buck will say "sure I have expetise in that area" and IMO bad therapy can do more harm than good. It's hard to juggle the dynamics with a big group and to make everyone feel heard.

We tried couples therapy to deal with in-laws issues a while back and the woman stank. She took sides, didn't listen, but tooted her own horm a lot. Luckily we found someone else who understood and had experience with couples who face the unique stressors we faced. This is hard to find and it can be very expensive trying to find "the one."

Also, are they motivated to change things? If your brother and his wife prefer the status quo, or they have enough stress in their lives that therapy would be a huge PITA, it's not going to help. Does your dad want this? You can't drag people into therapy kicking and screaming there has to be a strong desire from all parties.

Another thing to consider..are trying to create something that will never be? My SIL wants to have a close knit family and she has tried all sorts of therapy-couples, mom-daughter, individual, etc to have it. She would probably love to drag us all there. The thing is my MIL has a personality disorder and no desire to ever change. She has endless cut offs and her current marriage is failing. The emotional abuse she hurls is so painful that it's easier to see her only occasionally. The FIL has always lived in denial and now he is poor health so why lift the denial and risk throwing him over the edge? His wife would not want to deal. There are some situations that are so toxic or so damaged that sometimes I think it's best to take baby steps and just change your reactions rather than bring the whole circus in and hope for big changes.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PPs. I appreciate your perspectives. It's just sad to see what's become of my family. It wasn't always like this and I think we all carry some blame, except for my dad, who has managed to maintain a good relationship with all if us.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I want names so I can send the ILs, no kidding.

[Anonymous]

PP, circus is indeed an appropriate word!

[Anonymous]

You might want to look into and call the Bowen Center for Family Therapy. It's in DC but maybe you can get a referral to your area. Murray Bowen was affiliated with Georgetown, and was a giant in the field of family systems, including non-nuclear family and looking across generations. It's somewhat academic/technical in places, but you can find some interesting advice/theories when you Google "Murray Bowen" and "family systems". Good luck.