another death in my family. feeling incapable, naive, and wondering who i am.

[Anonymous]

Four family members in my small family have passed away in as many years - my grandfather this weekend. I am sad and grieve his passing, but also feel residual pain from each previous passing. I am beginning to become numb over each loss of my family, my family's history, stories, familiar expressions, mannerisms, you name it.
I have begun taking along my video or audio recorder to family event because I never know if that is the last time we will hear a story told or get everyone together.
After my aunt goes, my cousins and I will be the matriarchs and patriarchs of the family. None of us are above 40. I feel like I put all of my eggs in my aunt's basket, because she's all that's left. After that, I just can't imagine being someone that others look up to, as I did with my grandmother, mother, etc.
With each loss, I am more sad about the loss of people around me that can provide context for my upbringing, and ultimately, my life. I find myself feeling so unsure of myself and feel weight in my shoulders, and one day have no elder trusted family member to ask advice, tell me about my childhood. As it is, my children could look like I did as a child, for all I know - there isn't anyone living who can tell me that.
I never imagined so much of my future would be wrapped in someone's passing, until I lost so many in such a short time.

Thanks for the vent.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

two things are guaranteed in life: death and taxes.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss. Going through my own crisis dealing with the mortality of loved ones who are ill. I'm feeling very old these days, but not ready to be old.

[Anonymous]

That's a lot of grief to deal with and it's not super common here in the US to be under 40 and be the oldest family members left. Hopefully you will now have a breather and some time to figure out the new normal. Sorry for all your losses, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your losses. I would recommend therapy for this kind of pain. It gives you time to just sort it all out with someone who's trained to know about your situation.

[Anonymous]

I feel you. We buried my aunt this weekend, she was only 65. I am only 33. There is nobody left in my grandparents generation in my or my husband's family, and a lot of very serious health problems with our parents, remaining aunts & uncles. We have been together 10 years and have lost 3 grandparents, one parent, and three aunts in that time. Sometimes we feel like the oldest 33 year olds alive! But this weekend I walked around the little country cemetery where we buried my aunt- so many gravestones for babies, children and young people (from the 18-1900's). I am rambling, but I guess my point is that this is life. If anything, we are more sheltered from death than for most of human history. I am sorry for your losses. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

It sucks, OP. I lost both my parents in the last year, and they were in their late 60s. We are all humble in the face of losing those we love. I'm sorry for and identify with your losses.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for you losses OP.

While my parents' generation is still very much alive and kicking, I only have one Grandmother left and she is not well. I've begun integrating the traditions she helped make for me into our life. For example, cooking her Easter dinner and baking her Christmas cookies. Getting her recipes, etc. Are there traditions that you can start integrating into your life from your family?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Maybe along with photographs, you can start to write down some memories of your family members, so that your children will have some stories of them to enjoy in the future. I am fortunate that my mom did this before her death, and those are stories I cherish. It might also make you feel better to have some mementos of your beloved family in your home, just so you can feel that connection when you look at or use them.