Nervous About Raising Kids in the City

[Anonymous]

My husband and I grew up in rural areas but live in DC now and are raising a family. I feel like at this point, we can shield our kids (9 and under) from some of the rougher stuff that happens in cities (homelessness, crime, drugs, gangs) but I know it can't last forever. I recognize that the city can also offer so many good things in terms of culture, so I don't want to sound too much like a country mouse, but I'm wondering how families with kids older than ours feel about this issue. I'm not crazy about moving to expensive suburbia just to shelter my kids from reality, but a lot of other folks do it and have suggested that we are nuts to stay in the city to raise our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I grew up in rural areas but live in DC now and are raising a family. I feel like at this point, we can shield our kids (9 and under) from some of the rougher stuff that happens in cities (homelessness, crime, drugs, gangs) but I know it can't last forever. I recognize that the city can also offer so many good things in terms of culture, so I don't want to sound too much like a country mouse, but I'm wondering how families with kids older than ours feel about this issue. I'm not crazy about moving to expensive suburbia just to shelter my kids from reality, but a lot of other folks do it and have suggested that we are nuts to stay in the city to raise our kids.

I understand your concern but I found that my kid, who grew up in the city, got into more trouble when she traveled out to the suburbs to hang with her rich friends. OP, we are white, upper-middle-class professionals and we live in a low-income neighborhood where there is a fair amount of drug-dealing and crime. But here's the thing, our daughter didn't really have anything in common with the kids in the neighborhood so she didn't hang out with them. Instead she was on the metro regularly heading up to the upper Northwest and Bethesda to hang with her friends from a similar background. It is from these kids that she got drugs and alcohol. It was only after she transferred from her DCPS high school to a private school that she was sexually assaulted - by a white kid from a wealthy family.

If you're worried about your kids using drugs and alcohol and you want to prevent them from being assaulted, that happens all the time in expensive suburbs. In particular, kids are more likely to be sexually assaulted by people they know (friends, acquaintances, boyfriends) rather than strangers in the neighborhood. I think the most important thing is to work on communication with your kids. But I hear ya - it's scary to be the parent of an adolescent and I know you want to protect them as much as possible. It's hard knowing that we have less control over them as they get older. There are no guarantees that if you stay in the city your kids will be safe but there are no guarantees in the suburbs either. Good luck with your decision!

[Anonymous]

Agree with the PP. A lot of bad shit happens in the suburbs too. And, maybe I am wrong, but I am gonna assume you live in NW - most of NW is hardly the inner city.

I grew up in NYC in the big bad 1970's when the city was rife with crime and homelessness. I took public transportation to school with all sorts of characters. Walked past homeless people every day - we even had a "neighborhood bum!" I was taught to be careful and knew that I could be mugged at any time (never was). I think it gave me a good insight into how other people are - not everyone is white and upper middle-class and just like us. I am also very street-smart and independent, skills that have always helped me in my life.
Your kids will be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks very much to the PPs for your thoughtful posts. I'm not sure whether to be reassured about the city or depressed that no place is truly "safe" environment for kids. In fact, in the rural area where I grew up, there was a ton of drinking and drinking/driving going on, so I can see your points. I like our current neighborhood, but when I hear of muggings and drug dealing, I can't help but want to pack up and head for the hills, or to a desert island.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your angst. We live in the Shaw/Ledroit Park area of NW. I grew up in Midwestern suburbs and my DH grew up in the Bronx. I was scared to death about raising kids in that area while DH was far more comfortable with it. Our 3 kids all went to DCPS (not neighborhood schools though) for ES and MS and went to private high schools. The 2 oldest are in college and the youngest is a HS junior. My thoughts/recollections. The suburban kids that they met in high school were far more likely to take personal risks than the kids they knew from the neighborhoods. I cannot tell you how many times my kids talked their suburban friends out of doing some really dumb stuff because my kids were able to quickly calculate risks. Second, my kids could all probably get from here to Florida using just public transportation. They took it everyday to school and could pretty much navigate through their piece of the world using metro and the bus. Not only did it save us wear and tear doing pickups and such, but they became street wise and independent. Finally, all of my kids (especially DD2) are the most observant people I know. Not in a paranoid sense, but they always have a good feel on their environment and who is around them. Overall, I think it has been a plus for them.

[Anonymous]

I also grew up in the city. I saw a lot of stuff but I became a pretty self reliant and confident person and can handle most situations.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree that no where is safe, think of the meth epidemics ripping through many rural areas. What makes kids safer is teaching them to be smart. Understand their surroundings, think twice about walking around with headphones, safer places to use an ATM. But also how to have to have confidence to say no, comfortable with flagging a cab home and that they could ask you to pay if an a dangerous situation or that they frankly can call you no questions asked. My parents had such a policy and it got me out of a dangerous situation of a party that had some very bad stuff happen after I left. I don't know that I would have called my dad if he did not have a policy that was if you feel unsafe call and we will come get you no questions asked.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I concur with PP's on city versus suburbs and rural upbringings. I've raised DC in Adams Morgan/Columbia Heights. It's diverse, DC gets around on the bus and metro, DC has tons of friends in places like Bethesda and I don't know which reality is more real. Me thinks the ethnically and economically diverse city is more real than the ruling class suburb. DC "gets" current events in ways that are less abstract than children living a more sheltered existence.

DC will return from the suburbs and say I could never live there!

Also who are these people questioning where you live? Even if it's family, I don't see how it's their business. No one's ever questioned where I live! Plus a move would mean a longer commute to work or other tradeoffs.

Maybe take it one year at a time and if the city seems too much, move!

[Anonymous]

We live in old town.. DD now in HS. This isnt the city but is an urban area in terms of crime, no yards, no just sending your kids to play in the neighborhood. We consiedered moving when DD was a baby and realized tharpt if we are happy, she would happy too. She goes to a private HS so has friends from al

[Anonymous]

PP here.. She has freinds from all over and fhey really like being at our house bc they can walk everywhere.. Shopping, restauarants etc. It has workedout for us

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. We are in a similar situation. I hear of muggings, and other types of crime, and I spend a lot of time telling my kids, you can't walk alone, you must empty every single thing out of the car, we're in the city, you must be wary everywhere you walk, etc. etc. I teach them not to make eye contact with people, to walk past homeless people who look like drug addicts begging for change. I've even taught my daughter how to spot a drug addict.

I grew up in the safe suburbs. There was drinking, drugs, sex, all sorts of weird crime, and more dysfunctional behavior than you can imagine. It was a wealthy suburb, and I'm amazed I survived it! The city, ironically, seems much safer for high school kids. They are street smart sooner, and that's a good think, IMHO.

That said, we recently went out to a far-out suburb, and my older child commented on how nice it was to be able to leave all sorts of stuff in our car without worrying it would be stolen, to walk anywhere we wanted without worrying about getting mugged.

I don't know what to do, OP. DH wants to move to an even less safe part of the city because the housing is cheaper and it's closer to his job. Every once in a while I get an overwhelming urge to pack up and run for the suburbs, especially when I hear of a crime near our neighborhood (which is surprisingly safe for a city neighborhood!), but then I pull myself together, and sit tight for the moment.

No answers, but I wanted to empathize. We're not moving -- yet, but the thought is never far from my mind.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Oh, and I forgot to mention that there are so many great things about being in the city. There is so much to do all the time, and it's easy to get to things. Everything is so close. Even five or ten minutes makes a difference when you are deciding whether or not to do something. My kids are involved in sports and arts activities, and all are very close to our house. We go out to eat a lot -- so many more restaurants here than in the burbs. There's a lot more energy here too, which has it's pros and cons. The pros are that I feel energized by being here, but the cons are that it can be tiring. Sometimes I really want to relax, but there's no way to do that in the city since you've got to be on your guard all the time, and on the move as well. So far, the plusses outweigh the minuses, but of course that could change in an instant.

[Anonymous]

I have met a few families who moved out because they say you cannot raise kids there.
And with the prostitute highway being just down the road from them, drug trafficers at many corners, they felt very exposed
Made a move and were happy with the ease of living

[Anonymous]

I would put a fair amount of weight on the public transit situation. At least one study has found that lifespans in suburbs are shorter because people drive so much, and we still have 39000 traffic fatalities per year in the US. Teenagers have a disproportionate share of accidents. A friend who grew up in an exurb in CA said that her high school had fatalities literally every year during prom or graduation week.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in the city and DH grew up in western Howard county-way out there.
He and his friends were exposed to sooo much more, plus they were bored, had $, and I guess their parents were stuck in traffic commuting home or something because they had no clue what their kids were up to!