Falling back in love with spouse

[Anonymous]

If you stop being "in love" with your spouse, is there some way to get that back? Has this happened to anyone?

[Anonymous]

i hope someone knows. I've been trying to fall back in love for 2 years. Sadly, it isn't working.

[Anonymous]

I hear that if you go through the motion, the heart will follow. Do romantic things, be affectionate and perhaps eventually you will feel more romantic and affectionate towards your spouse.

[Anonymous]

OP Here, hey 15:34-what will you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear that if you go through the motion, the heart will follow. Do romantic things, be affectionate and perhaps eventually you will feel more romantic and affectionate towards your spouse.

otherwise known in therapy-land as "fake it 'till you make it." sometimes works, at least for certain issues. it helped me w/depression. i think that's the best thing i learned after years of training to be a therapist!

[Anonymous]

Another therapist here. Yes, I've heard of the "fake it til you make it" strategy, PP. But, how do you fake it? Easier said than done...

[Anonymous]

what are your most romantic memories with your spouse? what was it like when you first fell in love? did you keep a journal? i think part of the rekindling is remembering, and seeing if anything is still there even if it was last on fire a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

15:34 here - at this point I am willing to wait it out till our kids are older (they are 2 and 3.) We don't hate each other and we get along - but there is no passion there. Once the kids are older I will reassess and determine if I am willing to live this way or want to get a divorce.

I've been trying to fake it and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. *sigh*

[Anonymous]

are you happy with yourself as an individual? how much of this has to do with that?

if you do get along, what activities or interests do you share that you can do together?

i think it's very possible to fall back in love. but it does take effort and thought and wanting it.

[Anonymous]

I bet if my spouse lost the 40 lbs he's gained it would be a step in the right direction...

[Anonymous]

I would think that for "go through the motion, the heart will follow" would have to include both partners. If you want something to ignite-make sure you're both "going through the motion". It does work. There have been times in my marriage that I feel like I've lost those feelings, but then we move back towards one another. We do talk, a lot-and express our feelings, good or bad.

[Anonymous]

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder...unfortunately I don't feel it.

[Anonymous]

Nah, distance just makes you realize which way you're leaning. When my DH goes away for months at a time, I see it as my vacation. No one riding me to make a full 3 course meal, the kids and I can take off anytime to play before our "chores" are done.

I used to wonder why my SIL could stand her husband being gone 9 months out of a year (military contractor). What was the point of a marriage then? Now I think I get it. If they were home together, they'd probably be divorced by now.

If you don't miss your spouse when you're gone, or he's gone - - it's probably a clue.

[Anonymous]

I quit working for someone else and started my own business. When I called my husband and told him that I could not take working for my (now former) boss and that I was quitting the next day, I was sure he would tell me to wait, make a five year plan, write a 90 page business plan, etc. Instead, he said, "Good. He is an a**h**e. Where do you want to celebrate tonight?" I damn near cried.

We had been drifting apart and I had been tremendously resentful of EVERYTHING and just generally unhappy for years since the birth of our child -- am sure he felt the same way. Since I am now working for myself, we are doing sooooo much better. I still work full time, but I work probably 2/3 less than what I had been working for too many years to count. We have so much more time as a family now. This has been a drastic (and sudden) change for us and might not be right for everyone, but for me, it has given me the ability to be a participant in my marriage instead of an observer.

[Anonymous]

I think about this often and DH and I get along fine; we don't hate eachother or anything. Then I think about ripping apart my family by leaving and can't bear it. So, I spend a lot of time wondering if I am just looking for the "butterflies of new love" and if this is really "it". Maybe how DH and I are is "real undying love", but the love that develops with a family, responsibility, etc. I surely hope it is.