Falling back in love with spouse

[Anonymous]

My DH and I had been getting long OK, but we've had a tough year and now that we've been going to therapy, it only seems to be getting worse, I leave therapy angry as does he half the time. I don't want ot tear my family apart, but would I be better on my own with my kids without his negativity? I knew from day 1 (nearly 12 years ago) that DH was not an upbeat kind of guy, I truly thought it was because he didn't have someone to love in his life, but now I think tha's just his personality and no matter how much we have together as a family, he'll always be a pessimist and negative. There is very little in shades of gray with DH, it is either black or white. Do we fight? For the most part, no. Are he or I abusive to each other or the kids? no. He says he stil lloves me, but I'm not feeling the love toward him right now, all the little things that never bothered me are just getting under my skin, I want to scream. I want the butterflies again, is that too much to ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet if my spouse lost the 40 lbs he's gained it would be a step in the right direction...

Sad, but its the same situation in my house. I work hard at staying thin and fit after having children and look pretty similar as the day we met. He has gained so much weight and will never stick to an exercise program and full of BS excuses. We both work full time, and I do ALL of hte heavy lifting around the house and with the kids, so his excuses are sooooo lame. It is hard for me to even want to have sex with him, I have to imagine someone else. The belly fat just disgusts me. I stay motivated partly to stay fit because I want to look good for my husband, but he does not care how he looks for me. I also want to grow very old with my children, and apparently he is dead set for a crash course for a heart attack in his mid 50's, it just angers me to no end.

[Anonymous]

Distance makes hearts grow fonder (or something like this?) I always realize how much I love love love my DH when I am away for business - for more than a week. We start ending our emails with sweet words, and by the end of the trip I want to get back to his arms so so badly, even if right before the trip he was driving me nuts with one thing or other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I had been getting long OK, but we've had a tough year and now that we've been going to therapy, it only seems to be getting worse, I leave therapy angry as does he half the time. I don't want ot tear my family apart, but would I be better on my own with my kids without his negativity? I knew from day 1 (nearly 12 years ago) that DH was not an upbeat kind of guy, I truly thought it was because he didn't have someone to love in his life, but now I think tha's just his personality and no matter how much we have together as a family, he'll always be a pessimist and negative. There is very little in shades of gray with DH, it is either black or white. Do we fight? For the most part, no. Are he or I abusive to each other or the kids? no. He says he stil lloves me, but I'm not feeling the love toward him right now, all the little things that never bothered me are just getting under my skin, I want to scream. I want the butterflies again, is that too much to ask?

Man, you are describing my husband! He had some very traumatic experiences growing up (younger brother drowned and mother died young of breast cancer) and he was in therapy for about 4 years trying to grieve properly. So, I try to be supportive (and have been for the 6 years we've been together). But I tell you, he's so negative and pessimistic. All the time, there's someting wrong. He will only be happy when he gets somewhere and it's never in the here and now. I am tired of trying to cheer him up constantly, especially when he whines and clumps all the problems together. I grew up with so much drama that I now have a huge aversion to it and, since God has a sense of humor, I have the biggest drama queen for a husband. It's not so attractive to be whining all the time. Frankly, I just don't want to be around him when he's like that (and that means every day of the week). He's otherwise a great guy but it's hard for me to give and give and even harder to feel all lovey-dovey and romantic. I make a deliberate effort every day to cheer myslef up, do the things that make e happy, etc.. Why can't he do the same, for God's sake? There, I feel better.

I too often contemplate how it would have been to be with an upbeat guy with a happy predisposition. I guess I'll never know.

Anyone has any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I had been getting long OK, but we've had a tough year and now that we've been going to therapy, it only seems to be getting worse, I leave therapy angry as does he half the time. I don't want ot tear my family apart, but would I be better on my own with my kids without his negativity? I knew from day 1 (nearly 12 years ago) that DH was not an upbeat kind of guy, I truly thought it was because he didn't have someone to love in his life, but now I think tha's just his personality and no matter how much we have together as a family, he'll always be a pessimist and negative. There is very little in shades of gray with DH, it is either black or white. Do we fight? For the most part, no. Are he or I abusive to each other or the kids? no. He says he stil lloves me, but I'm not feeling the love toward him right now, all the little things that never bothered me are just getting under my skin, I want to scream. I want the butterflies again, is that too much to ask?

Man, you are describing my husband! He had some very traumatic experiences growing up (younger brother drowned and mother died young of breast cancer) and he was in therapy for about 4 years trying to grieve properly. So, I try to be supportive (and have been for the 6 years we've been together). But I tell you, he's so negative and pessimistic. All the time, there's someting wrong. He will only be happy when he gets somewhere and it's never in the here and now. I am tired of trying to cheer him up constantly, especially when he whines and clumps all the problems together. I grew up with so much drama that I now have a huge aversion to it and, since God has a sense of humor, I have the biggest drama queen for a husband. It's not so attractive to be whining all the time. Frankly, I just don't want to be around him when he's like that (and that means every day of the week). He's otherwise a great guy but it's hard for me to give and give and even harder to feel all lovey-dovey and romantic. I make a deliberate effort every day to cheer myslef up, do the things that make e happy, etc.. Why can't he do the same, for God's sake? There, I feel better.

I too often contemplate how it would have been to be with an upbeat guy with a happy predisposition. I guess I'll never know.

Anyone has any advice?

i'm just sorry you have to deal with a spouse stuck in negativity. in my marriage, i am typically the one in the negative state to the point that i am now getting annoyed by my own negativity. the problem is, once you become accustomed to dwelling in sorrow/anger/self-pity/irritation/complaining, it's very easy to slip into that again and again because it's comfortable and because there is some perverse satisfaction in licking one's wounds. i've come to realize that i really need to WORK at being more positive and make it a goal that i have to be determined to achieve. now i don't know how you could nudge your husband to come to realize this on his own, except to pray that there is a supernatural piercing of his soul in a come-to-jesus moment.

[Anonymous]

I was the negative one in our relationship. My husband kept telling me how negative I am, always complaining, etc. I knew it was true, but I had been like this for so long, it had become part of my personality. And, I didn't think it was a big deal. A couple months ago, we were going thru some photos and I kept getting angry that all the photos of me were so unflattering. He told me that I always look miserable so the photos are an accurate image of me. It was a partial wake up call to know that my daughter will one day be going through these photos and seeing this horrible looking woman - her mom - in the photos. The rest of my wake up call came the other day when I was in my usual grumpy mood and my husband told me to cheer up - today is the only today I have and I need to make it the best today that I can (he worded it much better than me). That hit home. He was right. Every day I am miserable is a day I wont get back. I wrote this down and look at the phrase every morning. It has made a huge difference and has put a spark in my life.

[Anonymous]

00:52 AM poster here. The two previous posts are so revealing, thank you guys for your honesty. I guess I never looked at it that way, that is from the point of view of the person who is the negative one in the marriage. I do tend to forget that it must be hard to get out of that state of mind if you've been on it for a very long time. Also, it's very insightful to know what worked for you guys. I might suggest some of those things to husband...

[Anonymous]

7:51 PP here, I'll try to use the same trigger for my husband as well. Remember we only have one today, make the most of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the negative one in our relationship. My husband kept telling me how negative I am, always complaining, etc. I knew it was true, but I had been like this for so long, it had become part of my personality. And, I didn't think it was a big deal. A couple months ago, we were going thru some photos and I kept getting angry that all the photos of me were so unflattering. He told me that I always look miserable so the photos are an accurate image of me. It was a partial wake up call to know that my daughter will one day be going through these photos and seeing this horrible looking woman - her mom - in the photos. The rest of my wake up call came the other day when I was in my usual grumpy mood and my husband told me to cheer up - today is the only today I have and I need to make it the best today that I can (he worded it much better than me). That hit home. He was right. Every day I am miserable is a day I wont get back. I wrote this down and look at the phrase every morning. It has made a huge difference and has put a spark in my life.

You may already know this, but it sounds like you have a really great hubby!