Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
How to converse if you don't speak the language?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I visited my in-laws who live in another country and when my spouse is with them, they're all conversing in their native language. On my end, it doesn't bother me that they all catch up in their language. My spouse gets upset that I don't participate in the conversations. I don't speak a lick of the language which they're all aware of. Spouse doesn't like that I don't make an effort. At a given time, roughly half of the in-laws speak English, but do I interrupt with a "What did you say? What did she say?" to participate? Normally, I just sit and absorb the ambiance of being abroad, sitting amongst in-laws, listening to the language. But in the future, I think I will feel pressured to participate when I don't know the topic and it's changing frequently. Am I crazy or is this acceptable?
My child loves visiting but next time, I think I'll just send spouse and child and stay behind. |
Anonymous
| I don't understand what your spouse is expecting. When you mention that you don't understand anything being spoken, so you can't respond what does he say? What does the "effort" look like? |
Anonymous
| It's not reasonable to expect that you can fully participate in the conversation. I've lived abroad, and even with some conversational ability in the foreign language, it is still very difficult to participate in a free-flowing, group conversation. And I also hate having to make everyone slow down for me. I think the only reasonable thing would be if you just made a few small attempts. Try to engage in the conversation, in whatever way that you can (nod, smile, maybe ask what the topic is). I think the family would just appreciate that you are trying and that they don't really expect you to participate. |
Anonymous
| I'm not sure I understand your question. We have the reverse situation where my spouse is the one that only speaks English. I've come to accept that and don't pressure my spouse to learn our language. I think it can be boring not being able to participate in conversations, but my family members don't speak English. |
Anonymous
| Could you initiate a side conversation with one of the in-laws who speaks English instead of trying to participate in the general discussion? |
Anonymous
OP here. So in this scenario, does your family expect your spouse to be engaging in conversation with them while their conversing in their language? Somehow, I am. I have studied, traveled, and lived abroad and have some cultural sensitivities. But it really feels untenable for me to follow the conversation spoken in a language I don't speak or understand, much less offer input. |
Anonymous
| 14:39 here. No, they don't expect my spouse to participate in the conversation. Every so often my dad will ask how the language is coming along, to which I'll say "oh dad stop" but that's about it. |
Anonymous
| why don't you try to learn their language at least to be able to follow a conversation? My family does not speak english, which is why it was very essential for DH to learn my native language. Plus, it is a nice bond to have. |
Anonymous
Op again. Thanks for your suggestion. Ok. I'll keep this in mind. At the beginning of our courtship, I would have considered this, but spouse told me that the native language was useless to learn, since many people in the home country spoke English - everyone but the patriarch of the family. |
Anonymous
| i wonder if the issue is really more the perception that you're not interested or engaged rather than you not understanding the language. like, would it help if you just looked at whoever was talking and nod and smile? that way you look interested. |
Anonymous
|
OP:I can understand that the language didn't seem necessary earlier. But it does seem at this point that learning the fundamentals could be useful--especially if your children are also learning the language? Knowing enough to keep track of what's going on could be a really good way for you to stay involved with your husband's family.
I know enough of one language to follow conversations roughly and only very occasionally pipe in with a comment of my own. We're not often in close social situations where the language is spoken (maybe every 2-3 years?), but I value being a participant in the conversations. A language is not "useless" if it helps you in your own life! |
Anonymous
|
Does your child speak the other language? Maybe you both could learn together so that s/he doesn't face this situation in the future on visits to family.
What language is it anyway? How easy/how hard? |
Anonymous
| Yes, what language are your in-laws speaking? |
Anonymous
And that's what will make it hard for you to feel included: If the patriarch (in my case that would be a matriarch) does not speak English, then you are missing out on conversing with the vital part of the family structure. That can cause a gap between you and DH's family. Just try to pick some of the language up for your own sake. Knowing another language is a powerful thing, regardless of how "useless" it may be considered by those who know more than one language (like your husband). Family gossip is hard to understand anyways, but if you could at least pick up some of the words, you may find yourself a lot more comfortable around his family. It is also a good example for your kids, there is nothing better than learning another culture by also learning about their language. I could have never imagined to live in the US, had it not been for the fact that I knew the language fairly well, prior to coming here. |
Anonymous
|
Is there a bit of a control issue in here as well? I remember with my (ex) husband, he always wanted me to seem fully in to his family's conversations (in Spanish) and I was like, "I don't get what they're saying!...I can nod more, but then they think I understand them and start asking me all kinds of questions!"...it was actually a big issue with us. What he wanted was for me to try continually to keep up and when I couldn't understand, to ask him "What did your father say? What did your mom say?" and then give him my responses in English for him to translate when I couldn't negotiate the reply myself. But I'm sorry, you can do that for about 8 times at which point you are exhausted and want to stare into space.
|