Lack of remorse, shame, or guilt

[Anonymous]

I posted about this before. Not sure what happened to my old post. Maybe I didn't get enough responses so I'll try again.

My DS is not an older kid, just an 8 year old. He's developmentally delayed in the social/emotional area. This year, for the first time, he's been caught stealing small items from teachers and other staff (not other children though). He lies about it for a while. Sometimes he confesses on his own. When confronted by the principal or anyone else, he looks embarrassed and ashamed but says he can't resist the impulse, especially if it's something he really loves and wants to have. We already know he has impulse control problems. But he also quickly tries to use intellectual or logical type of explanations or solutions as a way to deflect his feelings of remorse or guilt or shame. He never cries when he gets in trouble. Even when he was suspended he didn't cry, just looked a bit ashamed and tried to hide his face. The next day he was upset that mom and dad were still quiet and depressed about his behavior. He wanted to be done with it, start the day anew, and with a clean slate. He wanted no reminders of what he'd done.

Does anyone have a child who started lying and stealing when they were younger and didn't exhibit enough remorse and guilt? Where are they now ? What was your child diagnosed with? What did you do to develop their conscience?

[Anonymous]

ADHD child here -- definitely impulse control problems leading to lies and a few instances of stealing.

Honestly, your child is showing embarrassment and shame and that's about all any eight year old shows when they are cuaght doing these things. I think a neurotypical kid would also move on the next day and want to start anew.

I'm not saying don't work on it -- of course you must -- but I don't know that trying to talk/explain their way out of it or trying to get past the negative feelings aren't perfectly normal for an eight year old.

The impulse thing is really tough and it can lead to some behavior which is very distresssing and embarrassing for you, the parent. I truly sympathize. But maybe you could look into socio-emotional development for neurotypical kids and my guess is you will be "reassured" by your child's reactions.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely talk with a therapist for both you and he. If he truly is as you describe, this is definitely a situation for a pro.

Best of luck with this.

[Anonymous]

Your child is actually showing you he is distressed ("looked embarrassed and ashamed") but is just not showing you his distress in the way that you think is "enough" or "appropriate".

We've had similar issues with my child (who has very poor social pragmatic scores/skills) getting in trouble. It wasn't stealing it was something different. I think it's pretty normal for young children to lie to cover up mistakes, especially when they know that they're going to get in trouble if they admit it. They're pretty functional about truth-telling at that age.

The first time my son got in trouble at school, I explicitly set up a dynamic where he knows if he gets in trouble and lies about it, he will be in worse trouble than if he screwed up but admitted it. Punishments always include one part for the act and one part for the coverup. I try to make the consequence for the lie, an explicit restriction on freedoms or privileges because they "lost my trust." Trust requires honesty. I am trying to teach him that while I might not be happy about his doing the act that got him in trouble, I would at least respect him for owning up to it and trying to make amends.

I also try and explicitly teach them how to "say I'm sorry" appropriately or "make amends." So, if my kid got in trouble on the bus, I might make him write a note to the bus driver, saying 1) he's sorry, 2) what he's sorry for and 3) why it was wrong and 4) that he will try not to do it again. Even though on the surface my child doesn't react appropriately when he is in trouble, he is very ashamed, but the way he deals with that is to pretend he isn't and to ignore the problem or refuse to apologize. So, he comes off looking like he has no empathy or recognition of wrong.

You might think about your reactions. I have found that being very calm with my son is better than being "angry". Which doesn't mean there isn't a consequence, just that I'm not yelling and holding grudges.

Even grown ups don't like being punished forever. Give your kid a consequence (you took something from someone else, so now something will be taken from you so you know what that feels like). Restrict some freedom or independence for a short but meaningful period because he lost your trust. Tell him explicitly that he made a bad choice, but you know that he is not a bad kid and you always love him, even when he messes up.

Then move on and focus in the next few weeks on "catching" him being good. Explicit praise when he is honest or makes a good choice.

If you think the impulsivity is a problem, maybe teach him a trick to deal with that. (Count to ten, ask himself WWMD - what would mom do, etc.)

[Anonymous]

I went through "thief" stage when I was around that age - mainly money from my parents and a little shoplifting. I never felt guilt or remorse but I wasn't happy about it when I was caught. I was acting out. My family life was a fiasco and my parents were splitting up. My parents tried to get me to talk to a therapist who specialized in children going through a divorce but I was too young to appreciate the help.

I passed through that stage and am definitely not a thief now.

i'm not saying, of course, that family problems are the reason for the stealing in your case but something else may be up. Keep on it.

[Anonymous]

There is a chapter in NurtureShock on the studies they have done on kids and lying that was pretty enlightening about how to get kids to connect to the ethical reasons not to lie. I am guessing they would apply to stealing.