Reply to Lack of remorse, shame, or guilt

Forum Index » Elementary School-Aged Kids

Reply to "Lack of remorse, shame, or guilt"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]Your child is actually showing you he is distressed ("looked embarrassed and ashamed") but is just not showing you his distress in the way that you think is "enough" or "appropriate".

We've had similar issues with my child (who has very poor social pragmatic scores/skills) getting in trouble.  It wasn't stealing it was something different.  I think it's pretty normal for young children to lie to cover up mistakes, especially when they know that they're going to get in trouble if they admit it.  They're pretty functional about truth-telling at that age.

The first time my son got in trouble at school, I explicitly set up a dynamic where he knows if he gets in trouble and lies about it, he will be in worse trouble than if he screwed up but admitted it.  Punishments always include one part for the act and one part for the coverup.  I try to make the consequence for the lie, an explicit restriction on freedoms or privileges because they "lost my trust."  Trust requires honesty.  I am trying to teach him that while I might not be happy about his doing the act that got him in trouble, I would at least respect him for owning up to it and trying to make amends.

I also try and explicitly teach them how to "say I'm sorry" appropriately or "make amends."  So, if my kid got in trouble on the bus, I might make him write a note to the bus driver, saying 1) he's sorry, 2) what he's sorry for and 3) why it was wrong and 4) that he will try not to do it again.   Even though on the surface my child doesn't react appropriately when he is in trouble, he is very ashamed, but the way he deals with that is to pretend he isn't and to ignore the problem or refuse to apologize.  So, he comes off looking like he has no empathy or recognition of wrong.

You might think about your reactions.  I have found that being very calm with my son is better than being "angry".  Which doesn't mean there isn't a consequence, just that I'm not yelling and holding grudges.

Even grown ups don't like being punished forever.  Give your kid a consequence  (you took something from someone else, so now something will be taken from you so you know what that feels like).  Restrict some freedom or independence for a short but meaningful period because he lost your trust.  Tell him explicitly that he made a bad choice, but you know that he is not a bad kid and you always love him, even when he messes up.

Then move on and focus in the next few weeks on "catching" him being good.  Explicit praise when he is honest or makes a good choice.

If you think the impulsivity is a problem, maybe teach him a trick to deal with that.  (Count to ten, ask himself WWMD - what would mom do, etc.) [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics