One biological child and one from donor

[Anonymous]

I am considering using door egg for No.2 after failed ivf attempts. If I didn't have a child, I would go this route in a heartbeat. However, I have concerns as to whether I will feel the same toward both of them. Would you please share your experience if you have both biological and donor children. How do you feel, how was the pregnancy like(emotionally) how did your parents react to the idea and how to break the news to them. Is there times when you look at both and think what if....

Thanks

[Anonymous]

I have a genetic child and DE twins (they are all my biological children since they all gestated in me). There is absolutely no question that I love all of them equally. They all have very different personalities and, in fact, sometimes my twins are more like me than my genetic son. I hated both of my pregnancies because I hate being pregnant. If you have a DE child, that child will be 100% yours and you will adore him/her.

We told my in-laws, but not my family. I come from a culture where the twins might be rejected if it gets out that they are not my genetic children. However, we do plan to tell the children about their genetic history before they turn 5 or 6 - using language they can understand. It will be something we will discuss openly within our family. If the children leak this to their extended family, then we'll just deal with that when it happens.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for your reply! It is so comforting to know I will love them the same. do you mind me asking which clinic you used for donor cycle?

[Anonymous]

I had number 1 through donor egg and number 2 naturally. I am crazy about both of them! I promise that you won't even think about it when it comes to your affection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you so much for your reply! It is so comforting to know I will love them the same. do you mind me asking which clinic you used for donor cycle?

I did my donor cycle in Mass at Brigham & Women's. You will absolutely love them the same. I never think that they are not related to me genetically, except that they don't really look like me, but I think that is sort of a funny quirk about them. I absolutely adore them!

[Anonymous]

Can I ask how the selection process is? I mean do you get to see only the childhood photos, or current photos of the donor are also available. Do you just trust whatever answer they provided in a questionaire or is there more to verify. Also, was there a reason you did the donor cycle in Boston (are they better that other clinics in DC)?

Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am considering using door egg for No.2 after failed ivf attempts. If I didn't have a child, I would go this route in a heartbeat. However, I have concerns as to whether I will feel the same toward both of them. Would you please share your experience if you have both biological and donor children. How do you feel, how was the pregnancy like(emotionally) how did your parents react to the idea and how to break the news to them. Is there times when you look at both and think what if....

Thanks

OP, we had twins via IVF. Then had another kid the good ole fashioned way 14 months later. You will feel 100% the same to all of your kids.
As other proof, I know a girl that had 2 kids, then got divorced. Then got re-married to a much younger guy. They went thru IVF, had a child, then adopted yet another. She said all 3 ways sucked! However, she said you feel the same about them all: you love them, and would take a bullet for them the minute you see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask how the selection process is? I mean do you get to see only the childhood photos, or current photos of the donor are also available. Do you just trust whatever answer they provided in a questionaire or is there more to verify. Also, was there a reason you did the donor cycle in Boston (are they better that other clinics in DC)?

Thanks

We used an agency. We did it in Boston because we lived there at the time. I'm black and of course I only looked at black donors. There were very few. I was able to see photos of the women as adults and children and I saw photos of my donor's child. We picked an inexperienced donor at first, but that was a mistake. She did not fully appreciate how involved the process was and kept missing appointments. I probably don't have to tell you how disappointing that was. It set us back a few months. We dropped that donor and picked an experienced donor, who was absolutely wonderful. We based our selection on the following criteria:

1. We wanted an experienced donor.
2. We wanted someone who agreed to allow any offspring to contact her at a later date.
3. We wanted someone under thirty to increase the chances of a successful cycle.

Aside from that, we were very open. I was very happy that she already had a child because I felt that she understood the significance of what she was doing. She was also a nursing student which also made me feel better about her understanding the process.

In terms of her medical history. She was very open about illness in her family. She had diabetes, hypertension and the typical old-age diseases in her family. Well, so do I, so I though that was ok. I had to trust her medical history because I really didn't have a choice if I wanted to go the DE route.

I didn't try to find a donor who was an Ivy league grad or a concert pianist. My donor attended community college, was studying to be a nurse and was raising a child as a single mother. That was a good enough character reference for me. My family is from the developing world (as is hers) and I understand that many very bright people have a modest education because of circumstances beyond their control.

Anyway, I just adore all of my children. I can't tell you how happy I am that I chose this route. The thought never crosses my mind that my DE children are not my children - even though they really don't look like me. Who cares? They are all so ridiculously cute!

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you for your response. It is refreshing to hear your story with the happy ending