Mother in delivery room

[Anonymous]

I agreed to call my mother when I go into labor, and she interpreted it as an invitation to join me (and my husband) in the delivery room. I thought she was kidding and didn't resolve the issue. Now I'm not so sure. I don't want this for various reasons. How do I let her know without hurting her feelings? Anyone have a similar experience?

[Anonymous]

Can you say the doctor or hospital only allows one visitor during labor/deliver?

[Anonymous]

My mother is also pressuring me to have her in the delivery room. I have told her no but clearly her feelings are hurt. I told her she can be in and out of the room until it is time to push. I believe childbirth is something special to be shared between parents or between the mother and her chosen support person. In some cases, this may be the grandmother, but it may not be. The mother-daughter relationship is in my opinion, very complicated and difficult to navigate. If you are clear you don't want her, you need to tell her that. Perhaps you can soften the blow by re-iterating how excited you are for her to be a grandmother and how involved you want her to be (if true), etc.

[Anonymous]

Another thing you could do is to say that you'd like your husband to be physically *in* the room with you to help you through labor (if you've both taken child birthing classes together, reference those and says he knows what to do to assist you), but you want your mom around and would want her waiting outside the delivery room so she can see her new grandchild as soon as (s)he is born.

[Anonymous]

just be honest ... tell her mom i would be too embarrassed to have you there... anyways labour takea so long she can stay as long as she wants... but tell her when the pushing starts to please leave..

[Anonymous]

The answer is NO! This is a very special time for you , your husband and your new born baby. Good luck with the delivery!

[nabailey]

I very strongly do not want my mother in the delivery room and when I told her, she was willing to respect my wishes.

My mom always makes things more stressful than they need to be, and I know that it's best for me to not have her in the delivery room. You need to do what's best for you. This is your baby and your new family, and your mom should respect that.

As an aside, DH and I have also decided that we don't want either set of grandparents visiting for the first week or so, based on advice from a few other people that we spoke to. So, I presented it as we're asking both sets of parents to give us some time before they come see the baby, so they didn't think it was anything personal.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I told my mother flat out that I didn't want her in the delivery room during the actual delivery. She could come to the hospital, hang out until pushing, and then she needed to leave and come back in after I was patched up with baby in arms.

So, we got to the hospital, were fine during the whole labor, and I didn't have the heart to kick her out for the delivery. She definitely would have left if I asked her; but I decided while we were there to tell her she could stay. I knew how much it would mean to her (first grandchild; long-distance grandmother), and I just gave up on the whole modesty thing. My husband didn't care, so I told her she could stay. I happen to have a wonderful relationship with my mom, and didn't anticipate (or have) any problems.

I, obviously, don't know your mother. But my mother wasn't hurt at all that I didn't want her in the delivery room (until I changed my mind). And that was despite the fact that she was flying down just to be there with us. She was fine with coming to the hospital and hanging out in the waiting room as long as I wanted her to do that. I'm 32, and my mom said that when I was born HUSBANDS were just starting to be allowed in the delivery room--certainly no parents. Birth is not only a very personal experience, but it's also a medical procedure. How many medical procedures do your parents attend by your side as an adult? Set your limits and make them clear to her. You can change your mind if you want (as I did), but don't tell her that might be a possibility or you'll get her hopes up!

[Anonymous]

Consider this your first step in setting boundaries with your mother. I can't stress how important this will be for your sanity. Even a well intentioned mother who doesn't understand that she is the grandma not the mom can make those first weeks difficult. I would use this as an opportunity to let her know that you and your husband need to do this alone and set boundaries on those first few days/weeks. If she is well intentioned she will understand and respect your wishes.

I would also advise not commiting to having her or other family members over to the hospital. If you feel up to it, you can call and invite them over. If delivery is rough, or you have a c-section you may not be up for visitors. BF can be difficult to get started and it doesn't help to have a crowd of family members around. I was very happy that our parents live out of town. It was so nice to bond with just my husband and the baby. My sister who does live near our parents had the opposite experience. My parents showed up at the hospital and just walked into the room, uninvited. My sister had a terrible experience trying to get them out and it really upset her. Birth is not a spectator sport.

If your mother doesn't understand or respect your need to do this with just your spouse, acts hurt, complains that some of her friends got to be in a delivery room, or snips with passive aggressive comments then take this as a red flag that she is putting her needs above yours and your baby. Chances are that if she reacts this way you will need to manage through other issues involving boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Great advice above -- I agree wholeheartedly. Now is the time to be clear and honest about your needs, and to make sure your mother understands the boundaries. It can be done in a loving but firm manner (great language in some of the early posts above) -- the key is that you ask for what you want here. If you do not want her to join you in the delivery room, say so. And if she's disappointed or hurt or unhappy, be compassionate but do not take that on as your problem to fix. You need to do what's best for you and your new family!

FWIW, we have invited our parents to come to the hospital to meet the baby AFTER s/he is born, but we've been clear that we will want to take the baby home by ourselves and then spend the first few weeks on our own before another visit. Given that both sets of grandparents are traveling from out of town, it seemed a bit harsh at first (inviting them to come to DC for what might only be a day or two while we're in the hospital), but that's what's best for us.

(As for the post-birth hospital visit, many friends said it was actually great having parents come then because the nurses are so helpful with everything and it's easy to ask visitors to leave the room when you want to sleep/feed/be alone. This is more difficult at home, it seems.)

Good luck and best wishes for a wonderful birth!

[Anonymous]

Just to provide another viewpoint:

I had both my parents in the delivery room (as well as DH) until I had to have an unplanned C-section (at which point only DH could be in the operating room).

I'm really glad I had everyone there during the laboring part, especially my father because he's a doctor. I was very nervous about the whole labor/delivery process, and to be honest, it made me feel better to have "adults" in the room (I know that technically, I'm an "adult," but sometimes, especially when I'm very vulnerable and scared (like I was then), it just feels better to have my parents around). But as you can probably tell, I have a very close relationship with both my parents (even though they're divorced).

FWIW, I agree with the PPs who said you should be honest yet compassionate, whatever you decide to do. Good luck to you, and congrats!

[Anonymous]

This is OP- Just wanted to say that all your responses have been VERY helpful, especially the ones about setting boundaries. This is a challenge for me. I tend to get into the cycle of resenting my mother for crossing my boundaries, feeling guilty, then giving in to what she wants. It is very stressful. She is also very domineering and motherly, so I am worried that having her in the delivery room will be more about her mothering me than my becoming a mother.

[Anonymous]

My parents and sisters were at the hospital when I went into labor with baby #1. They took turns visiting with me while I waited for the real labor to kick in, and then they went out to the waiting room when it was time to push b/c my husband and I wanted to have that special time alone (plus, pushing a baby out is probably the least graceful thing I've ever done, and I really didn't want an audience). My mom and older sister stood right outside the delivery room and heard my son's first cries when he was born, and that was a really special moment for them (and I didn't even know they were out there). Baby #2 was a planned c-section. I arrived with my husband, and my parents and sister arrived a little later. It was actually nice having them around while I was in the recovery area -- I think I was there for a couple of hours. This way, my mom could stay with me while my husband followed the baby around with the nurse (for his first bath, tests, etc.). When you are in the hospital (regardless of what for), you should always have a healthy person nearby as an advocate (to monitor what is being done to you, to call for help if you get in trouble). I was in the hospital for 4 days post section, and we staggered the hospital visits (my parents, DH's parents, siblings, etc.). It was nice having family around so that my husband could go home to shower. It was also nice to have extra folks around to help out with the baby so my husband and I could rest. While I understand how some folks don't want parents around after you get home, I was the exact opposite. My husband and I welcomed the help. It was nice having parents around to cook, clean and help out with the baby so that we could rest and enjoy quality time with the baby. Of course, we're lucky b/c neither set of parents stayed at our house and they are all extremely helpful (as opposed to folks who may want to be entertained). You and your husband will be exhausted during the first several weeks, so you may want to reconsider having family around to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP- Just wanted to say that all your responses have been VERY helpful, especially the ones about setting boundaries. This is a challenge for me. I tend to get into the cycle of resenting my mother for crossing my boundaries, feeling guilty, then giving in to what she wants. It is very stressful. She is also very domineering and motherly, so I am worried that having her in the delivery room will be more about her mothering me than my becoming a mother.

OP, this is your baby (and your husband's), your birth experience, and your mother. Your answer is clear in your follow-up post above. It sounds like you are very aware of the dynamics here, and aware of what you need to do to make the situation comfortable. There is also value in beginning as you continue to go on -- in other words, in setting now the boundaries that you want to define your relationship in the future (at least based on your current feelings). Childbirth provides a natural demarcation line of "before" and "after" that you can use to clarify what you want. Only you know what you want and need, so I would encourage you to set limits, as some other posters have suggested, and stick to them. Otherwise you know what will happen, based on your experience so far. You described it quite clearly in your post above. Good luck! I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

We called my mother on our way to the hospital with #1. She immediately boarded a plane and flew in from the midwest. She took a cab to the hospital - came in and said hello and told me how proud she was of me, and that she couldn't wait to meet her grandson...she did mention my fingers looked swollen and asked if we had the nurses look at it ...but then she respectfully went to the cafeteria. I'm sure it seemed like eternity, but once our DS was born, i was so excited too introduce her to her grandson. I would vote for NOT being in the delivery room...but nearby was important and cherished by all of us.

Setting boundries ahead of time is key though. A previous poster mentioned things were a lot different when our parents had babies. It wasn't a mother/father bonding period...since dad was typically in the waiting room. There is something really special about bringing a baby into the world and knowing that you and your partner did so is an incredible feeling. I have a great relationship with my Mom...but I also know that when we are together my husband can sometimes feel like an extra wheel. That was the last thing I wanted him to feel like when our son was born...and my Mom understood and respected that. Some hospitals have classes for grandparents. They go over many of the 'rules' that have changed...dad's involvment/responsibilities; epidurals; formula vs. nursing; sleeping on their back; swaddling; medicines; cosleeping; immunizations; etc. It might provide a way to broach the subject of how you plan to welcome your child and how you'll tackle the first few hours/days/weeks/etc.