would you divorce your dh because of your ILs or MIL?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
i ask about the situation in which dh is seemingly clueless to their poor behavior, or says "well, that's them, its not us, don't worry about it" even when the behavior is egregious.
i see a lot of ppl complaining about ILs and getting called doormats, so my question is, do you divorce your dh over this? i ask b/c i'm in this situation, not just voyeristic. |
Anonymous
|
The thing is, if you divorced your DH over this, it wouldn't be over your ILs but because of how your DH is or isn't handling that. It can be a big deal. I have some pretty horrendous ILs (really, I have some unbelievable stories). It is very difficult at time. However, DH deals with it in an adequate way. That didn't happen overnight. We were together for a few years before getting married and if he hadn't have stepped up, I would not have married him. Of course he doesn't always handle it as I would, but the big picture is that he gets it, he communicates with them like he needs to (setting limits). It's been hard sometimes and has caused conflict but in the long run, we're all better for it. I never thought my in-laws would change at all but over the last almost 15 years, they have changed for the better a little bit.
Anyway, one of the things we did was some counseling. Part of the problem initially was that DH knew his parents were "something" but didn't quite realize how it affected him or us. It really helped us to set limits. DH had to be open to it, but it pretty much forced a bit of instrospection. Remember, if it's what DH grew up with, to some extent he's going to think it's "normal". My DH coped with a lot of stuff by just tuning it out. That's what he would have kept doing if not for me. It would have been a big powder keg when kids came along because there are things I refuse to tune out when my kids are in the picture. By the way, counseling also helped me to realize I couldn't change them, that I needed to be more tolerant, and to understand where my ILs were coming from. So my advice is, get counseling. Talk about this. If your DH is not willing to do that, that would be a big problem. |
Anonymous
|
OP, counseling might really help. The PP who mentioned that if it is what he grew up with, it might seem normal. This is something that counseling can really help him with. He might have no idea how far off base their behavior is because he is used to it and also may not share with friends about his parents' behavior. So the only feedback he gets about it is yours.
Good luck. |
Anonymous
I'm the first poster and I just want to agree with this poster, especially the bolded. That was a HUGE plus of counseling, too, to be honest. The therapist was able to weigh in and help DH learn what was and wasn't harmful/weird/destructive/rude behavior from his parents. Even if the ILs are totally in the wrong all the time, having you be the only one to point that out eventually makes him feel like he's in the middle and it's you versus them. Hearing someone else to discuss this with was super helpful. And DH did not talk to friends about this stuff, so it was just me and the counselor. DH didn't suffer horrible abuse or anything super terrible, his in-laws are just nuts in their own way and sometimes DH didn't see the harm in it (he just distanced himself from them and ignored what he didn't like). |
Anonymous
| I totally agree with the PPs. DH and I almost didn't get married because of his inability/refusal to set boundaries with his parents. After being married for about 10 years, we were having some additional issues and almost divorced because of it. The only thing that saved our marriage was relationship counseling (same counselor each time), his willingness to accept that it wasn't just me being difficult and that it was his responsibility to set and enforce boundaries. Your problem isn't your ILs, it's your DH. |
Anonymous
| I am in your situation. My answer ultimately is no, but it has probably been the biggest stressor in our marriage. We had some major fights over it that took awhile to get over. We finally were able to put in place some real rules for making it bearable. Hang in there. I figure my MIL has 10 more years tops. |
Anonymous
TOO funny! |
Anonymous
|
17:44 - AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!!!!!!!
OP, do not let the terrorists win! |
Anonymous
| NO, but I cut off all contact with my toxic MIL (she lives far away, it's possible). We maybe have to see her once a year and I usually make plans to leave for that weekend. She doesn't have my email, is blocked on facebook and I won't answer when i see her on caller ID on phone. It was the biggest stressor in our marriage, and I just cut her out. All is well since then, but my husband is aware she's crazy. |
Anonymous
| Move away fom them! |
Anonymous
|
I've certainly thought about it. My MIL is the most unpleasant thing in my life right now. But, she lives in Florida and I only see her about 6 times a year. If it becomes more frequent then I'll have to talk to DH about counseling. At bottom though, She adores my husband and our son and for that I'm grateful.
Honestly, I feel badly for her. She has been divorced twice, lives alone and doesn't have real friends, surrounds herself with recent immigrants who become dependent on her because she co-signs loans/leases for them, and is one of the more unfortunate looking people. |
Anonymous
| Hate to say it, but I LIKE my MIL. She is great! |
Anonymous
|
First off, 21:27 have you heard of something called EMPATHY??? These women are sharing something painful. Lucky you that this isn't your issue. If someone were posting about a painful work situation or having been bullied in middle school I wouldn't come on here to say I love my job and I was the most popular kid in highschool.
As for the other posts I completely related. It has been the sore spot in our marriage. |
Anonymous
| I have no idea why anyone who actually reads the heading on this post would come on here and tell us how much they like their MIL. WTF? |
Anonymous
|
Hi there,
Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm part of the casting team at Leftfield Pictures, currently producing a new series for A&E about families struggling with their in-laws. We know how tensions between in-laws can often wreak havoc in the home and wanted to reach out and see if your family would be interested in speaking with us about the show. Families who appear on the show get TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS and have the opportunity to work with a professional relationship expert who will help them to identify and mend their issues. If you think you and your family might be a good fit for us, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at inlawcasting (at) gmail (dot) com. Let us know your story, and make sure to include your name, contact info and a photo of your family. We're happy, of course, to download you in full about our company and the show. |