Women have come so far, yet the role of DIL is too often a step back for women
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Anonymous
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Have a good husband. He is impotent (in more ways than one) whenever he has to deal with his parentsand this has been the subject of endless discussions and arguments and I don't see it changing, There is enough good that divorce is not something I would consider and we both found counseling useless. Clearly I am not thrilled with my in-laws and I have been married over 10 years. I am well-educated with advanced degrees, but also willing to take on more of the nurturing role and be the one to look out for kids, cook ,meals etc and I enjoy it because my husband respects me. My in-laws did not start to show true colors until we married and they really got awful once we had kids.
I have been reading obout DIL roles not only in my own culture, but in many other cultures and I am just dumfounded by how backward things still are. My own MIL, SFIL, SMIL and FIL have all seen some of their kids marriages fall apart knowing that one factor that was problematic was them, yet they continue to bully, belittle and have crazy expectations. For example, none of my parent-in-laws were high achieving high energy people, yet they expect their daughter in laws to not only be well educated, be pretty and thin doormats who have prestigious jobs,cook most meals, do chores and be the primary murturer of the children. From what I am told none of them could even handle a fraction of this stepford wife crap when they were raising kids. To them if you go on the "mommy track" you are lazy. If you don't go on "mommy track" and divide up household chores you are lazy and a bad wife. If you try to do everything, but don't entertain your inlaws when they desire you are that evil b*tch. I know this sounds extreme, but from what I read many of my "sisters" from other cultures have it much, much worse. And yet, so many women are dying to get "the ring" so much so that books have been written about how to get a guy to marry you and apparently there are classes too. Ladies, have we come as far as we think? Maybe more and more people have enlightened in-laws and things are progressing, just not with my own? |
Anonymous
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OP, I am sorry for your situation, but I think you are trying to make your problem a greater societal issue.
I have not read any literature, nor have I seen from personal experience that ILs as a group expect DILs as a group to have prestigious careers, raise the perfect children, entertain whenever they want, etc. Moreover, even if that were true, I'm not sure that would be a feminist issue. It is just an issue. Sure, I think it is common to have problems with ILs, but that is just a natural problem with mixing families and the resultant power struggle. MILs are used to things one way and DILs are used to things another. If anything, there is a stereotype that MILs do NOT want the DIL to have career and subscribe to the "barefoot and pregnant" mentality. What you are going through is not uncommon, but your situation is not universal, nor is your particular situation the norm. |
Anonymous
| Why do you put up with their expectations for you? Therapy, stat! |
Anonymous
| There's a lot of mixed issues in your post. One is your anger (justified, it sounds like) with DH over his inability to set limits with his parents. One is our expectations for ourselves and one is the expectations ILs have with us. I'd say for now control what you can--live your life how you want, come up with a plan with DH about how to handle his parents. I was confused from your post--are you considering divorce? |
Anonymous
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O, my god, OP, stop caring. Just figure out your boundaries, with compassion and fairness in mind, then do what you think is best, and stop caring about what other people think. Don't you see that you are caught in the stupid drama only because you stay there?
My in-laws, like most in-laws, can be annoying. I try to make my own decisions based on what I think is good and right, and if people get upset, I know not to be bothered because I feel comfortable with my decisions. The cycle, if there is one, is yours to stop. You sound angry and bitter -- let those emotions go, and go on about your life. |
Anonymous
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daughters in-law = plural
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Anonymous
I agree with this. OP, why do you care? Treat people with respect, and do what you think is best. Sorry, but your post sounds like you're just complaining about useless drama. |
Anonymous
| Blaming ILs for your situation sounds like the very kind of powerlessness you seem to dislike. Time to take responsibility for your situation. |
Anonymous
| I get along great with my in-laws - most of the time better than my own mother. |
Anonymous
You cannot control other people's behavior. All you can do is control how you react to it. Set boundaries. Who cares if people think you're a bitch for doing so? I'm not saying act bitchy just for the sake of being bitchy. But, set limits, get DH on board, and then you won't have any issues. |
Anonymous
Same here. I haven't spoken to my mother in years. My MIL and FIL are fine. They're great about respecting our space and time. They're not super involved in our kids' lives, but we seem them enough, and they have NEVER tried to meddle in our marriage. |
Anonymous
| To answer your question, I think ladies have come a long way in terms of the DIL role. For what it's worth, I'm asian. In our culture, it was common for DIL's to live with in-laws, and take are of every little thing. Now a days, MILs are more understanding. I think there's more compassion from MILs as they understand how hard it was for them to raise families and work with their overbearing MILs. My MIL doesn't have any expectations from me. I think most of my Asian friends would agree that their mothers had it worse when dealing with in-laws. The older generation seem to be enjoying life themselves and don't want to be bothered with their children and even grandchildren. Back in the day, grandparents used to be more active in helping raise grandchildren. That's changed too. |
Anonymous
Sounds like this is the REAL problem for you guys, OP. I don't even mean that snarkily, but honestly. You probably need to get laid! It'll bring back some of your intimacy, and help bring you and DH closer. Sounds like you've got way too much pent up anger. Maybe try a different kind of therapist! |
Anonymous
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I'm not sure there is "one role" for a daughter in law.
Have you tried setting boundaries with your in laws? I'm skeptical that your in-laws alone, without other conflict in the marriage, can cause so many marriages in your family to fall apart. My parents have crazy expectations, and my husband and I laugh about them. It is a source of bonding for us. No one can take advantage of you without your permission. |
Anonymous
| Yeah I think the real problem is having a husband who doesn't align with his wife and tell mommy and daddy to behave or don't visit. |