Deadbeat Grown Sibling - WWYD
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Anonymous
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I have a late 40s older brother who has done nothing with his life. He still lives at home and is extremely irresponsible. He has a heart of gold, but doesn't play by the rules of society. My mom is not in the best of health and when she passes, there will likely not be any money for my brother. He is very dysfunctional (drugs, lack of work ethic, doesn't pay taxes - works under the table when he works), etc.
I'm struggling with what to do and how to handle the situation. I'm afraid my choices are to support him for the rest of his life (which we're not in the financial situation to do that), let him hit rock bottom and possibly end up on the streets, or come live with us. My mom has enabled him for his entire life and I don't want to step into that role, but I also don't want to let him live on the streets. He is currently not using drugs, at least to my knowledge, but he refuses to take any accountability or any course to change the direction of his life. We have encouraged him to get therapy (we've found support groups which he refuses to attend or drops out), we've urged him to get straight with the IRS (we've offered to help and he won't do it), we've tried to get him to go to Narcotics Anonymous (similar to AA), and he won't do it, and I'm at a loss of where to turn and what to do next. Was hoping that someone else has gone through this and found some things that worked. TIA for any ideas or suggestions. |
Anonymous
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Tough love baby
Hard to do but it's working with my 44 year old brother. |
Anonymous
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Hold your own, OP. He's a grown-ass man. He can shift for himself, and if he has to live on the streets, he has to live on the streets. That's his choice, no one is forcing that on him.
Start drawing clear boundaries now, so he knows what to expect. Don't lend him money, don't let him crash with you, and keep offering appropriate help (financial counseling, therapy, etc.). Beyond that, there's nothing you can do but prepare yourself and him for the inevitable fight that will come when his current gravy train runs out. |
Anonymous
| This may be my brother in 20 years the way my mom has been acting. |
Anonymous
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http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/196345.page#1885143
Sorry to be a downer, but the link above will show you that a lot of us haven't found anything that works. (Misery loves company?) |
Anonymous
| I would strongly suggest you check out Al Anon. These people have been through your struggle and can help you find the right balance with your brother. I'm sorry you have to deal with this! |
Anonymous
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I would help in anyway that I could without making him dependent on me. For example, if he is going to be homeless get him on the section 8 list or find a spot for him in a sober halfway home. But I would not welcome someone like that into my home or offer anything more than one time support and never give money directly to him, but give it to a halfway home or a drug program for example. If, with those restrictions, he still doesn't want your help than you'll have to come to terms with the idea that you no longer have a brother until he decides to save himself.
Has your family tried an intervention? |
Anonymous
I agree. |
Anonymous
| I have a brother like that (minus the drugs)-- generally charming and funny, but utterly useless when it comes to acting like an adult. What worked for him was finding a sugar mama. Or perhaps that's not fair... they seem to really love each other, and she has no problems at all being the sole wage-earner in the household. She seems to get some kind of satisfaction out of the traditional role reversal. She has even joked "no husband of MINE will have to go work among strangers!" So... pray for that outcome? |
Anonymous
| My MIL's brother is 65 and his little sister (my MIL) still takes him to all of his Dr. appts. and still pretends he is normal. His mother was almost like his wife, he coexhisted with her and he devoted his life to her care. She had him at 42 and she had his sister at 45. She raised them to take of her in her later years. MIL got married and had a family, but she still put her mom first until she passed away. Grandma has been gone 20 years, and uncle is lost without her. He lives in a tiny shack that is falling apart, and when we do see him all he does is reminisce about the "old days" with his mom. He works, but he only makes enought to pay his rent and MIL and FIL pick up the rest. I also found out he has a terrible drinking habit. It is so sad. He never married, never had kids, as far as I know he has never been romantic with a woman. I guess Grandma got what she wanted, a caregiver totally devoted to her, but poor uncle lost out big time. Scary thing is, MIL tried to do this to my DH, but thankfully he wanted more from life. He was 24 and still living at home when I met him. He had a messy room that looked like a 17 year old lived in it. But he had a job and I saw potential. 16 years later he is successful and a wonderful father. MIL is still a little pissed I took him away from her. So, you can see how the parents have a lot to do with this. I can't imagine how to help someone like this after so many years, but cutting them off and tough love are what I would do. |
Anonymous
| the only answer is to let him be forced to make these choices for himself. offer him your unconditional love and support but do not give him money- you know where it will go. He will protest times a thousand, he will guilt you, he will make you think you are unloving and selfish- it will be absolute crazy-making. He will probably succeed in continuing his lifestyle for maybe even a few years, eventually it will catch up. when he has hit bottom, and you if you are in a position you can offer him a short stay in rehab or give him the number for those support groups again. hold your own, stay firm, stay consistent. |
Anonymous
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I have a brother like this who is 34. My Mom enabled him her entire life (she passed away this summer). My brother steals, lies, guilts, and worse. He has hurt everyone around him including his friends and our extended family. My Dad kicked him out in November. We are hoping he will hit rock bottom.
He has an Adderall addiction and we think he also has a personality disorder, as well. My brother and I lived a charmed life. We had everything we wanted. Our parents were loving, kind, generous, and did everything they could for us. When my brother was 26 he got a prescription for Adderall. The rest is history. My Mom enabled him and stopped my cousins from doing an intervention in 2006. She got sick a couple of years later (cancer) and the crap continued because no one wanted to deal with him because we were so focused on my Mom. The best thing my Dad did was to kick him out. He has no job, takes no responsibility, and still believes that we owe it to him to give him money. He says we don't "support" him. The last time he stole from my Dad (forged checks) he said he did it because my Dad deserved it because he wasn't "supporting" him and if he would just be nice he wouldn't do things like that. (This is why we believe he has some sort of personality disorder). In 2006, he stole my Dad's credit card and charged $18,000.00 on it for clothing, electronics, etc. because he was "mad" at my parents. I will NOT take responsibility for my brother's poor choices and will NOT support him in any way, shape, or form. Thankfully, there's a couple of hour drive between us. I love my brother, but all he will do is tear our family apart and make us broke. My parents have spent over $200,000 on him in the last 8 or so years and I also believe that he slowly helped to kill my Mom because she was always so worried and anxious about him. Good luck to you, OP. I am sorry you are going through this. |
Anonymous
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Do NOT keep enabling him after your mom passes. He's a grown man, and he needs to start acting like one. It's amazing the resources people will find (like getting a job) when they are faced with no place to live. Do not let him move in with you. What kind of example would that be setting for your kids?
Watch the TV show Intervention. |
Anonymous
| Good luck, OP. I don't have a drug addicted family member, BUT I have had to talk about a similar scenario re: my BIL many times. Unfortunately, he also comes with 2 kids in tow. My husband almost caved when he heard that his brother's girlfriend and the kids were on medicaid and food stamps (after my IL's realized they no longer could afford to support the extra 4 people in their house). I had to remind him that nothing good comes of us sending money as we know they wouldn't do anything worthwhile with it. And frankly, our tax dollars ARE already supporting them. But I do fear what happens if and when my ILs pass - I have said I might be willing to take in the kids (our niece and nephew), because they didn't ask to be born to idiots, but no way no how are the two adults moving into our house. |
Anonymous
| if he will have an inheritance, get it put in trust so that a trustee decides what the money is spent on |