"Failure to launch" siblings?

[Anonymous]

Is it just me and my friends, or are there a fair number of people out there with a sibling or sibling-in-law who had not moved out of her/his parents' home and built an independent life -- job, financial plan, and so on?

If you've got one of these somewhere in your family, do you worry about what will happen when the parent dies? When the sibling is too old to work? Do you think of it as your problem, or potentially your problem?

[Anonymous]

I worry about my brother in law and the potential impact on us constantly. Unfortunately, he has reproduced, too. He's currently living under his parents' roof with his girlfriend and their 2 young kids. My father in law lost his job a couple weeks ago, too.

I went to great length to make sure that our will was specific that our money would NEVER pass through his hands. If our little family were to die together, our money is going into a trust for our niece and nephew, who didn't ask to be born to those 2 idiots. When my husband found out that they were on food stamps and medicaid, he started talking crazy about giving them money - no, they'd just go blow it on booze and tattoos rather than feeding their kids or paying off their debts. Not to mention that our tax dollars already support those programs.

We have tried and tried to get my in-laws to actually enforce some rules with them, especially with regard to finances. It is a lost cause, and I just hope that it never does become our problem. I fear them showing up on our doorstep someday with their kids in tow - I'd hate to have to tell them "your kids can stay, you can go find a shelter."

I know I sound like a cold-hearted beyotch, but their hard times are absolutely their own fault. It has nothing to do with unfair circumstances - they couldn't make a good decision to save their lives.

[Anonymous]

My story is much more complicated, but yes, I have a sibling like that and my DH also does. Less extreme than your example, but both are heavily reliant financially and in other ways. Will it become my/our problem? I hope not. Personally I've ensured as much as I can that my sibling won't be taking our parents' estate for a ride at least after death (I can't do anything about the present day since those are choices that have already been made). DH already took his sibling in once and it resulted in a devastation of epic proportions - we're talking losing many people he cared about as a direct result of his sibling's behavior. So he learned once, but I'm not convinced if something were to happen he wouldn't feel obligated to do something either with money or our home. I can only hope if that should happen we could discuss it like adults.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 nephews who resemble this description. Parents are self-made millionnaires and when they built the mcmansion, they built a guesthouse for the younger son and bought the older son his own home. Both mid-20s. Neither work nor do they have any prospects or motivation. As far as I can tell they play video games and drive around in their cars. Cars that, yes, their parents bought for them. The elder is on his 3rd or 4th car, having totaled the others (readily replaced by said parents). Parents are in their 60s and not terribly healthy and not a great marriage. I give 'em 10-15 years. What will happen to the kids? I see them juking around in that big ole house as it slowly tumbles down around them. Probably move their friends in with them. Ok i gotta get back to work now.

[Anonymous]

I have one brother and one BIL who are significantly underemployed. One has an Ivy degree + Ivy masters + another masters, and makes about $15 an hour, tops.

In both instances, I strongly believe they have undiagnosed, low-grade mental illness. (I'm including ADHD as a mental illness, although I know The Community prefers it to be known as a neurological difference or whatever. )

Anyway, one has ADHD and some related substance misuse issues; the other has untreated OCD, anxiety and maybe light depression.

[Anonymous]

My father has a mentally disabled brother (not so much a failure to launch, but rather an inability to launch). He lived with my grandparents until they were too old to take care of him and now my father supports him (he lives in my grandparents former house which my father still owns.) He is much younger than my dad and I think there is a fairly high likelihood that he will become my responsibility one day. But, what are you going to do? If it were his fault that he wasn't independant, it might be different or it might not. In any case, I will take care of him when it is my turn.

[Anonymous]

My brother was living with my parents until last year when he finally got married. He's 30 she's 20.

But seems like she's shaken him hard. He has an Ivy degree and Ivy masters and finally left the $10/hour gig for something really good.

I hope he goes up from there

[Anonymous]

I think most people have at least one relative like this. Regarding mine: I'll buy them food and pay rent, but I'll never never give them cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father has a mentally disabled brother (not so much a failure to launch, but rather an inability to launch). He lived with my grandparents until they were too old to take care of him and now my father supports him (he lives in my grandparents former house which my father still owns.) He is much younger than my dad and I think there is a fairly high likelihood that he will become my responsibility one day. But, what are you going to do? If it were his fault that he wasn't independant, it might be different or it might not. In any case, I will take care of him when it is my turn.

Does your uncle receive government benefits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father has a mentally disabled brother (not so much a failure to launch, but rather an inability to launch). He lived with my grandparents until they were too old to take care of him and now my father supports him (he lives in my grandparents former house which my father still owns.) He is much younger than my dad and I think there is a fairly high likelihood that he will become my responsibility one day. But, what are you going to do? If it were his fault that he wasn't independant, it might be different or it might not. In any case, I will take care of him when it is my turn.

Does your uncle receive government benefits?

Yes. And he was able to work as a stock boy in a store for many years. The store was family-run and they really took care of him, so I am not sure that he could have made it in a corporate-run store that wasn't willing to work with him. Our experience with him has shown us that there are a lot of really good people in the world.

He has never been able to drive (because he can't read to pass the test among other reasons) but he has run more than 100 marathons in the last 30 years. We all love him.

[Anonymous]

Poster above- I applaud you for your love and acceptance to this family member.

I do not think a mentally challenged person is the same as a "failure to launch" person. I would hope that none of us would judge the former or consider that person to be a burden to be saddled with.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is like this. She stays at home because she likes being able to still live like a teenager at 30.

[Anonymous]

my BIL is like this. He's moved out, but he's 41 and his parents still support him. He's smart and college-educated, but working low-paying retail jobs and generally not living up to his potential. I think he's depressed and not really treating it. I feel bad for him, but at the same time, the rest of us manage to work and support ourselves. so i don't feel THAT bad.

[Anonymous]

Some of it is cultural too I think. I know a couple young women who still live with family well into their 30s but still feel like they are 'launched' - just living in a multi-generational home.

My boss has 3 adults - all in their 30s who never launched. He still financially supports all 3 of them, although only one still lives in the house.They are all pretty irresponsible and take advantage of daddy. He looks back and can see he created this by parenting with a follow your dreams and do what makes you happy philosophy. He is almost 70 but can't retire because of the expense of his kids!

[Anonymous]

My SIL is married and lives in her own home, but my MIL had to bail her and my BIL out of the mortgage they were thousands behind on because they got a letter saying they were about to be foreclosed on. (SIL doesn't work.) My MIL also paid for her to "go back to school" at some sham online college which of course did not pan out and she pays for who knows what else; at this point, she practically supports them. So, sure, she launched, but then basically sputtered and fell back to the ground soon after.