Playdate drop-off, and nanny - is this example typical?

[Anonymous]

Recently went to friend's home for playdate with DC's friend(both are age 2). DC's friend has two older siblings (ages 3&4); when we go over there, all 4 play very well together. The other mom works, so a nanny is the one taking care of the kids (i stay for the playdate). I get along wellwith the nanny and the kids, and i think she enjoys it when we come over because i at times entertain/watch the kids so that she can grab a bite, go to the bathroom, etc. At this recent playdate, older sibling (4yo) mentioned that one of her friends would be coming over, too. This was news to the nanny. Other friend was dropped off by her mom, who said "i'll be back around 3" which was about 3 hrs away. Myself and the nanny and the 5 kids had a grand old time, but my DC and I had arrived earlier, so didn't stay much beyond the drop-off of the friend, but after we left I was thinking about how challenging it was going to be to add a 4th kid to the mix, for the nanny by herself, who didn't even know that the kid was coming..
Anyway, so i had a couple of questions about this: would the hosting mom pay the nanny extra for a day like this? Didn't it seem like the nanny should have been made aware? TIA for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

It's a matter of respect for the nanny by both the employer and the mom.

Both my employers with drop off aged children were always very clear with their friends that if they wanted to drop off my hourly rate was X.

[Anonymous]

OP here...yes, that is kind of how i felt, PP. Even if my DC was "drop-off age," i don't think i would ever drop her off with the nanny, just out of respect for the nanny. I would stay and split the childcare job evenly between the two of us (and at least make sure that i take care of my own kids) for the time that my child is going to be there.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny and I wouldn't mind - unless it was everyday and over 2, 3 hours. To me, the more the merrier - well, as long I knew the kids already and the are nice. Whiny, spoiled, violent, etc - NO.

[Anonymous]

Nannies and Aupairs are completely abused by moms. This happened to our Aupair but we had an Aupair counselor and I called her and she told me what to do.

I found other Aupairs for her to hang out with who were caring for kids the same age. The SAH moms would drop and run all day long. Then they would go to Starbuck and the park with a group and my aupair would show up and they would act like they didn't know her.

These same women would never leave their kid with a "stranger" and made that clear when I was interviewing.

She was so good about it but so much happier when I "fixed" the situation. There was one mom who was totally respectful and whe would drop for 2 hours but return the favor the next day or week. She should either be paid in money or treated the same as the other moms and get the favor returned.

Kids want playdates and it is very important and it was in her contract. But being used and abused is not.

2-3 is young but once they are 4 lots of playdates are drop and run.

[Anonymous]

OP here...yes, that is kind of how i felt, PP. Even if my DC was "drop-off age," i don't think i would ever drop her off with the nanny, just out of respect for the nanny. I would stay and split the childcare job evenly between the two of us (and at least make sure that i take care of my own kids) for the time that my child is going to be there.

So when your DC is 9, you will go sit there the whole time out of respect for the nanny?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here...yes, that is kind of how i felt, PP. Even if my DC was "drop-off age," i don't think i would ever drop her off with the nanny, just out of respect for the nanny. I would stay and split the childcare job evenly between the two of us (and at least make sure that i take care of my own kids) for the time that my child is going to be there.

So when your DC is 9, you will go sit there the whole time out of respect for the nanny?

No but she should host the play date at her house sometimes just like you would if it was a mom.

[Anonymous]

I've had a nanny and now have au pairs. I do it the way I would do it if I were home. Some days we have playdates at our house, and some days the kids go to other houses. This is generally only 2-3 times a month. If I initiate the playdate, I invite them to our house. My youngest is in K so of course it is drop-off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here...yes, that is kind of how i felt, PP. Even if my DC was "drop-off age," i don't think i would ever drop her off with the nanny, just out of respect for the nanny. I would stay and split the childcare job evenly between the two of us (and at least make sure that i take care of my own kids) for the time that my child is going to be there.

So when your DC is 9, you will go sit there the whole time out of respect for the nanny?

No but she should host the play date at her house sometimes just like you would if it was a mom.

You (and the OP) don't know if that is the case.

I agree that the nanny should have been told, but you don't know who dropped the ball in that case. Drop off playdates are the norm past a certain age and are just part of the job. I'm sure that the 4 year old sometimes goes to a friend's house too (without the nanny).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here...yes, that is kind of how i felt, PP. Even if my DC was "drop-off age," i don't think i would ever drop her off with the nanny, just out of respect for the nanny. I would stay and split the childcare job evenly between the two of us (and at least make sure that i take care of my own kids) for the time that my child is going to be there.

So when your DC is 9, you will go sit there the whole time out of respect for the nanny?

No but she should host the play date at her house sometimes just like you would if it was a mom.

You (and the OP) don't know if that is the case.

I agree that the nanny should have been told, but you don't know who dropped the ball in that case. Drop off playdates are the norm past a certain age and are just part of the job. I'm sure that the 4 year old sometimes goes to a friend's house too (without the nanny).

Yea - you would think right - you come to my house one day I go to your house another day. Sounds easy but moms think nanny's are "the help" and they just dump on them like they are being paid so why treat them with respect. It is a big issue, it's real, it exhists. The person that was the counselor or liaison for our aupair is trained to deal with this and when I explained she was like - you don't have to explain - happens all the time. She had a form email that gave us great ideas and options on how to deal with it. Met with our aupair to help her understand she is not to be treated like "help" it is okay to say something, etc. That is why I like the Aupair program because the supports put in place for the transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here...yes, that is kind of how i felt, PP. Even if my DC was "drop-off age," i don't think i would ever drop her off with the nanny, just out of respect for the nanny. I would stay and split the childcare job evenly between the two of us (and at least make sure that i take care of my own kids) for the time that my child is going to be there.

So when your DC is 9, you will go sit there the whole time out of respect for the nanny?

I am the OP that you quoted. When my DC is older, I will likely do what a PP suggested - host a number of playdates at my house, and let the nanny (and mother) know that she is welcome to drop-off. In this case, since I am on friendly terms with the nanny, I might stay during some of the playdates...if i don't stay, I wouldn't leave DC for more than 2, 2.5 hours. Also, at the age you mentioned (9 yrs), kids don't need a supervising nanny as much as age 3 or 4, obviously, so dropping off probably wouldn't be as much of a burden on the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the nanny should have been told, but you don't know who dropped the ball in that case. Drop off playdates are the norm past a certain age and are just part of the job. I'm sure that the 4 year old sometimes goes to a friend's house too (without the nanny).

To clarify the mom was aware of the friend coming, (but the nanny was not). I agree that drop-off is probably the norm at this age, even with nannies, but I am not sure how comfortable I'll feel doing it like this mom did, for 3+ hours.

[Anonymous]

OP, moms have their antenna out for other moms looking for free or borrowed help. Any mom who wants/tries either is generally black balled by their own doing. No one talks about it, but everyone knows who these moms are. I would tell the mom, but chances are she already knows and is on it.

It is acceptable if the mom is reciprocating regularly, but you would be surprised at what some low life moms try. They don't have the money for their own help, but want to try to use others.

Some moms and some nannies are so judgmental, they try to say who "needs" a nanny more. 1.) Okay, then pay the nanny at least as much as she is getting paid now; and 2.) If you have family members in the area, back off; and 3.) the mom with the nanny may have exigent circumstances you don't know about, the nanny doesn't know about and the user mom will never know about. and 4.) chances are, the nanny would never in a million years work for you or your family because (surprise!) they don't like you and think you are sneaky.

There have been several posts on this. The low life mom will never come out on top. It is kind of like having a scarlet letter.