Advice on awkward conversation, if warranted?!?
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Anonymous
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In brief, here's the situation: DH's cousin moved from out of state and has been living with us since the fall. We encouraged the move, told her she could live rent-free for as long as she wanted. We have plenty of space. We do the majority of the grocery shopping, but she picks up some of her own stuff a few times per month. Utilities have gone up a bit but not outrageous.
The predicament: her BF just moved to DC for a p/t internship and seems to be living with us. His original plan was to stay with a buddy on his couch but he has yet to sleep there (it's only been a few days so far). And they recently asked about buying some furniture for their room so he has a place for clothes. IMO the cousin is one thing, her BF another. Am I being unreasonable to think he should be contributing somehow? And if you think he should contribute, any suggestions for starting the chat...? DH travels 5 days/week so it could be just me. I feel like this needs to be addressed before I boil over....am I crazy?? We have two kids (3yo and 3mo), FWIW, so I'm open to some babysitting trading, help around the house, etc in lieu of "rent." What's fair? |
Anonymous
| Yikes! What's fair is not really something I can answer. Id like to know the ages ofsaid cousin and boyfriend. If they cannot afford to rent their own room in a group house in the city or near by then my suggestion to you is to think long and hard about what is about to happen. I'd say it's probably best to have boyfriend leave, tell cousin it was OK for him to stay but that your simply not comfortable having him staying at the house. I'm a bit shocked that cousin would even think this is OK. I say tell both to get thier own place. |
Anonymous
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No, you're not crazy -- that would drive me nuts.
I think you first need to decide what you want. Do you want the BF to contribute, or do you want the BF not to move in? It sounds like you're fine with the latter as long as the former happens. If that's the case, I would sit down with just the cousin (it might be awkward for her to have the conversation with him present as well) and say that while you're happy to have her stay and help out family a bit, adding two people to the household is a different matter. If he would like to stay also, you think it's fair that he contribute a bit to cover the added groceries and utilities (and anything else that's increasing in cost). Keep it simple -- don't feel compelled to keep talking, to justify yourself. You're already being very generous and this is a very reasonable request. |
Anonymous
| OMG I'd not want a strange man in the house with 2 little kids. Even if it was her fiance!!!! |
Anonymous
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I think you're totally within your rights to say, "hey, we made the offer for you to live here, but your boyfriend wasn't really part of the plan. I'm not ok with him living here rent-free. You're family - he's a stranger. How long is he planning to stay with us?"
If the cousin is not working full-time, then yes, tell her you need to work something out - babysitting or mother's helper type stuff would be good. If she's working, she should be paying rent. If she refuses, then I think you should tell her she needs to make other arrangements - she'd be taking advantage. I would never have DREAMED of living with someone rent-free after high school, not even my parents. good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP, I would have a gentle but firm conversation with her that tells her the following:
She is family, and your offer to her was heartfelt and genuine. She may stay as long as she needs, without paying rent. However the offer does not extend to anyone but her. Even if you don't mind this guy staying and hanging out, I wouldn't tell her that and don't make it about rent. If she wants to spend the night with him, or ayone else, it has to be at his place. You have two young kids, etc. You don't want strangers in yoru place; just her. Tell her that also applies to friends from college who might want to come crash on her sofa for a few weeks or whatever. NO ONE but her. You really don't want her staying there and living rent free for years, right? You want her to get on her feet, and then move out. Telling her no overnight visitors will help move her in the direction you want her to go. |
Anonymous
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You're joking, right?
Throw the BF out TODAY. You are totally being taken advantage of. Oh, and great scenario for your kids (even at 3 and younger) to witness -- a bona fide shack-up, right in your own home, down to talking about furniture for "their room." |
Anonymous
| YES, please grow a pair of balls and stand up to them. the pp's provide some good advice. |
Anonymous
| Wow, thanks all! Gonna grow the cahonas (sp?) and chat with cousin tomorrow...assuming BF isn't hanging around. For the record, he's a wonderful, sweet guy -- not a creep at all. |
Anonymous
| OP, do you really have to have this convo? If she is your husbands cousin can't he talk to her? |
Anonymous
| They are thinking about decorating "THEIR" room? That's insane. OP, you need to kick this guy out pronto or it will only get harder. And if it were me, I'd kick her out too (that's a really long time to have someone living with you!), but you seem to be a much nicer person than I am. |
Anonymous
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Given that she is young, mid-twenties something I think its enough to say, we invited you to stay in our home and you are more than welcome to stay for as long as you like, but if you want to live with your boyfriend then you should find a place together somewhere else. Also say that he is welcome to be in your home during the day (or what you feel comfortable with), but that he must leave before the kids bedtime (or some time to be set).
She probably doesn't yet get what it means to be a good example to your kids or the implications of having outside men living in your home with young kids. In addition, if she or they want to be adults and have an adult relationship all the more for her or them to get a job(s) and be able to support themselves. Also kudos for taking in a relative that is in need of some help. |
Anonymous
Wonderful, sweet guys do not just move into someone's house. |
Anonymous
| DH is king of two things: the road (skies, actually -- it's a wonder we have conceived children); and avoiding conflict. Knew all this before I said "I do." |
Anonymous
Of course they do! What does this even mean? It is very, very common for young people to do this sort of thing when they move to DC right after college graduation. It isn't an automatic red flag. I don't know anything about this guy in particular but you seem to be making quite a leap here. |