2nd thoughts about screening tests

[Anonymous]

On my 3rd pregnancy, decidedly AMA. This is the first pregnancy that I've done any genetic screening. I'm waiting for the results of my first tri screen. When I first got pregnant I was sure that I'd terminate if there were any trisomies detected. Then...I saw the ultrasound and saw a baby's head & body, and heard its heartbeat...now not so sure what to do.

My husband is still adamant that he'd prefer termination, saying that now that we already have two kids, they would be negatively impacted by a SN child. I agree with this in theory, but...it's not just an abstraction to me anymore...

I hate these tests. The pregnancies before were so much happier, we just didn't care if we got a SN kid, didn't do any testing and just enjoyed being pregnant (if that's possible). This time, its like I'm hesitant to bond because we aren't sure yet, and it's already 11 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I know where you are coming from.

I'd encourage you to read stories of parents who take care of kids problems that can be detected by pre-natal testing. Your feelings against testing may/may not intensify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On my 3rd pregnancy, decidedly AMA. This is the first pregnancy that I've done any genetic screening. I'm waiting for the results of my first tri screen. When I first got pregnant I was sure that I'd terminate if there were any trisomies detected. Then...I saw the ultrasound and saw a baby's head & body, and heard its heartbeat...now not so sure what to do.

My husband is still adamant that he'd prefer termination, saying that now that we already have two kids, they would be negatively impacted by a SN child. I agree with this in theory, but...it's not just an abstraction to me anymore...

I hate these tests. The pregnancies before were so much happier, we just didn't care if we got a SN kid, didn't do any testing and just enjoyed being pregnant (if that's possible). This time, its like I'm hesitant to bond because we aren't sure yet, and it's already 11 weeks.

There were four children already in my family when our special needs (down syndrome) sibling was born. My mother, being 40 at the time and having other health issues as well, suspected there might be a problem so she simply declined all testing on the principal that she would not terminate anyway -- obviously this is different than your perspective. But anyway, what I wanted to share is that not only were none of us negatively impacted, our younger sibling has been an absolute - unexpected - joy for the entire family. Now that we are all grown, we look back at her and we all believe that she is the glue which bonded our family stronger than ever, and still is a wonderful addition almost thirty years later.

In my experience, it is often easier for the man to feel a bit more detached and fearful about the what-ifs. Women do tend to form an emotional bond earlier on, and I believe that is our gift so that we may love and nurture our babies, even if they turn out to be imperfect. Obviously you are feeling a bit conflicted, but always remember it is your body and your choice, so even if you had a "plan" with DH you have the right to deviate from that. We are all constantly changing, growing, and evolving......there is nothing wrong with changing your mind about any of this, particularly if that is where your heart is leading you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On my 3rd pregnancy, decidedly AMA. This is the first pregnancy that I've done any genetic screening. I'm waiting for the results of my first tri screen. When I first got pregnant I was sure that I'd terminate if there were any trisomies detected. Then...I saw the ultrasound and saw a baby's head & body, and heard its heartbeat...now not so sure what to do.

My husband is still adamant that he'd prefer termination, saying that now that we already have two kids, they would be negatively impacted by a SN child. I agree with this in theory, but...it's not just an abstraction to me anymore...

I hate these tests. The pregnancies before were so much happier, we just didn't care if we got a SN kid, didn't do any testing and just enjoyed being pregnant (if that's possible). This time, its like I'm hesitant to bond because we aren't sure yet, and it's already 11 weeks.

There were four children already in my family when our special needs (down syndrome) sibling was born. My mother, being 40 at the time and having other health issues as well, suspected there might be a problem so she simply declined all testing on the principal that she would not terminate anyway -- obviously this is different than your perspective. But anyway, what I wanted to share is that not only were none of us negatively impacted, our younger sibling has been an absolute - unexpected - joy for the entire family. Now that we are all grown, we look back at her and we all believe that she is the glue which bonded our family stronger than ever, and still is a wonderful addition almost thirty years later.

In my experience, it is often easier for the man to feel a bit more detached and fearful about the what-ifs. Women do tend to form an emotional bond earlier on, and I believe that is our gift so that we may love and nurture our babies, even if they turn out to be imperfect. Obviously you are feeling a bit conflicted, but always remember it is your body and your choice, so even if you had a "plan" with DH you have the right to deviate from that. We are all constantly changing, growing, and evolving......there is nothing wrong with changing your mind about any of this, particularly if that is where your heart is leading you.

Wow. What a beautiful story, PP. Your family certainly sounds blessed, not only with your dear sister, but also the way you recognize the importance of family - no matter how different it is. Your parents did a great job with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On my 3rd pregnancy, decidedly AMA. This is the first pregnancy that I've done any genetic screening. I'm waiting for the results of my first tri screen. When I first got pregnant I was sure that I'd terminate if there were any trisomies detected. Then...I saw the ultrasound and saw a baby's head & body, and heard its heartbeat...now not so sure what to do.

My husband is still adamant that he'd prefer termination, saying that now that we already have two kids, they would be negatively impacted by a SN child. I agree with this in theory, but...it's not just an abstraction to me anymore...

I hate these tests. The pregnancies before were so much happier, we just didn't care if we got a SN kid, didn't do any testing and just enjoyed being pregnant (if that's possible). This time, its like I'm hesitant to bond because we aren't sure yet, and it's already 11 weeks.

There were four children already in my family when our special needs (down syndrome) sibling was born. My mother, being 40 at the time and having other health issues as well, suspected there might be a problem so she simply declined all testing on the principal that she would not terminate anyway -- obviously this is different than your perspective. But anyway, what I wanted to share is that not only were none of us negatively impacted, our younger sibling has been an absolute - unexpected - joy for the entire family. Now that we are all grown, we look back at her and we all believe that she is the glue which bonded our family stronger than ever, and still is a wonderful addition almost thirty years later.

In my experience, it is often easier for the man to feel a bit more detached and fearful about the what-ifs. Women do tend to form an emotional bond earlier on, and I believe that is our gift so that we may love and nurture our babies, even if they turn out to be imperfect. Obviously you are feeling a bit conflicted, but always remember it is your body and your choice, so even if you had a "plan" with DH you have the right to deviate from that. We are all constantly changing, growing, and evolving......there is nothing wrong with changing your mind about any of this, particularly if that is where your heart is leading you.

My mother was 38 when she declined all screening for my brother. At a routine 20 week ultrasound, catastrophic birth defects were discovered. My parents refused to terminate--it wasn't an option. They prepared for him to be stillborn. He wasn't. He had some massive corrective surgeries during his childhood, and a variety of special needs, from delayed development to learning disabilities to social difficulties. Today, he is in college, a gifted musician and computer science major. He was never perceived as a burden to the family. He was a part of the family from the moment of conception.

OP, it's an old book now, but read Expecting Adam, by Martha Beck. It's a little quirky--definitely not my personal experience--but she has a way of perfectly communicating the conflict you are feeling right now. In fact, there are some gut-wrenching scenes between her and her husband--it's worth reading the entire book just to come across those scenes.

Love can see you through so much...especially mother love.

[Anonymous]

I just want to chime in and say there's like a 95% chance your screening is going to be normal. So don't get all doom and gloom unless you need to.

[Anonymous]

The tests certainly do take the joy out the pregnancy, don't they? FWIW, I agree with the PP. There's a good chance your results will be good enough to give you and your husband peace of mind. After first and second tri screenings, our numbers, while not positive for Down's, were not that far above the positive range. After lots of agonizing, we skipped amnio, figuring that the odds were still much in our favor. And we were right. DS was born two weeks ago with no issues. But the decision to forego the more invasive tests and the what-if scenarios were excruciating to think about. Good luck to you and your family and know that whatever decisions you make will be the right ones for your family.

[Anonymous]

those screening tests do lead one down a slippery slope. i had the first trimester screen done. really didn't think much about it. figured got to see pictures of the little one. well, we tested greater than 1 in 4 for downs. did the cvs. negative for downs, but showed a different genetic anomaly, one which was not definitive. had many many more tests done that were non-invasive. none showed anything wrong anatomically with the little one so no definitive reason to terminate, but there was always the possibility looming over us of mental retardation and developmental delays that don't show up on prenatal tests. little one is now 2 mos old, perfect as can be. there is still the possibility of delays, and that will always be in the back of my mind for the next few years. and the pregnancy was very stressful, and it all started with an innocent-seeming scan.

[Anonymous]

I'd recommend getting at least the non-invasive ones done if you feel there is even a remote possibility that you'd go for termination.

Also, as the wise PP above pointed out, no need to anticipate negative test results.

Make sure you and hubby are on the same page before you go for the tests, though.

[Anonymous]

I was curious OP, if you don't mind sharing, why are you considered AMA?

I know how tough these decisions can be. I hope everything is just fine with your baby, but if there are issues, I hope you can find some peace in your heart with your decision.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, 20:35 here, realized that your AMA is advanced maternal age, not "against medical advice" whoops!

[Anonymous]

OP, the thing is that you truly don't know what you would do with bad news until you get it. There is just no way to know how you will feel unless the news is reality, not theoretical.

I never in a million years thought I'd be faced with termination, and then I was. And although I heard of many lovely stories like the PPs above, I also knew of some stories that were not so lovely for family of children with trisomies.

Ultimately, we chose termination. I know that people judge me harshly, but most of them have never walked in my shoes. I do not regret our decision.

When I became pregnant again, I was miserable for the first 13 weeks, but once we got good results from the CVS I was able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the thing is that you truly don't know what you would do with bad news until you get it. There is just no way to know how you will feel unless the news is reality, not theoretical.

I never in a million years thought I'd be faced with termination, and then I was. And although I heard of many lovely stories like the PPs above, I also knew of some stories that were not so lovely for family of children with trisomies.

Ultimately, we chose termination. I know that people judge me harshly, but most of them have never walked in my shoes. I do not regret our decision.

When I became pregnant again, I was miserable for the first 13 weeks, but once we got good results from the CVS I was able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

Good luck to you.

Well, yes, many of us have walked in your shoes. Terminating for Down Syndrome is an absolute disgrace to all of womankind. Oh well, we all get to make our choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the thing is that you truly don't know what you would do with bad news until you get it. There is just no way to know how you will feel unless the news is reality, not theoretical.

I never in a million years thought I'd be faced with termination, and then I was. And although I heard of many lovely stories like the PPs above, I also knew of some stories that were not so lovely for family of children with trisomies.

Ultimately, we chose termination. I know that people judge me harshly, but most of them have never walked in my shoes. I do not regret our decision.

When I became pregnant again, I was miserable for the first 13 weeks, but once we got good results from the CVS I was able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

Good luck to you.

Please ignore the PP. You gave an honest reply, and the PP was a judgmental asshole in response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the thing is that you truly don't know what you would do with bad news until you get it. There is just no way to know how you will feel unless the news is reality, not theoretical.

I never in a million years thought I'd be faced with termination, and then I was. And although I heard of many lovely stories like the PPs above, I also knew of some stories that were not so lovely for family of children with trisomies.

Ultimately, we chose termination. I know that people judge me harshly, but most of them have never walked in my shoes. I do not regret our decision.

When I became pregnant again, I was miserable for the first 13 weeks, but once we got good results from the CVS I was able to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy.

Good luck to you.

Please ignore the PP. You gave an honest reply, and the PP was a judgmental asshole in response.

Well you know, I gave an honest reply as well. We all get to express our opinions, and mine is certainly as valid as yours. The great thing about this forum is that we get to admit those things which we have the decency to refrain from saying to someone face-to-face. Wouldn't you rather know what people are really thinking, especially in an anonymous forum? Yes, in real life I can be kind to women who do any number of things which I disagree with, but no amount of name-calling is going to make me believe those choices are good.