toddler and funeral

[Anonymous]

We are planing to go to my sister-in-law's mother's funeral out of town. Using a baby sitter is not an option so we plan to take our 2.5 yr old with us. I've never been to a funeral in this country so I'm not familiar with etiquette and such. I'm just planing to sit near the door and take her out whenever necessary. Any other tips to share? How long does the service typically last? Are toddlers even allowed at funerals? Thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

I would not do this, OP. I'm not an uptight person, but this has all the red flags of a disaster. A funeral is not a movie where a crying screaming or talking toddler will be an annoyance that will be forgotten in a few days. You could ruin this funeral and your SIL and her family could rightfully very angry with you for years. My relatives discuss very minor things that happened at funerals and went wrong and pick them apart. Funerals are very expensive, and very solemn occasions in this country. This is just not appropriate. Find a babysitter or stay at the hotel with your child.

[Anonymous]

I agree. Do you have to go? Can you stay home or at least stay in the hotel with the kid.

[Anonymous]

It is perfectly appropriate to take your toddler to a funeral. Funerals are solemn, but they are also family affairs. Take a book or quiet toys for your daughter and leave if you need to. But, don't miss this important occasion because you have a toddler.

[Anonymous]

OP,
It is not perfectly appropriate. It depends on the family and the circumstances around the death. (sudden versus after a long illness, with sudden being more shocking.) Some people really, really do not want toddlers present at a funeral. Can DH inquire? Can DH go on his own?

[Anonymous]

We were in OP's position (no sitter, no options) and brought DD (then 19m) out of town for a funeral. DH went to the service alone, but we all went to the wake the night before and the reception aftewards. Those are less serious, and to be honest I think that DD added a lot of levity to the situation. People seemed to enjoy the distraction, and even those who were really distraught over the loss said things like "boy does she look like her aunt" or "XX would have loved to see that dress" - which i like ot think brought them some happiness in their time of sorrow

that said, we always made sure we had an 'out' - DH had a ride home if we needed to leave because DD started melting down, acting up, etc. We also knew where the nearest McD's playplace was if extra energy needed to be burned up. Thankfully DD did well with her coloring books, the snacks that are always at those things, and all the attention

[Anonymous]

OP, Culture is not uniform here, so there is no right answer except asking family what they prefer. Maybe there's a neighborhood teen they know who can take the kid during the ceremony.

You have to go (make the journey) but you can always "miss" the actual event while still attending the wake, burial, shiva... whatever they do. Some cultures have prohibitions on taking a child that young; others not so much.

7:09 sounds right. People will enjoy a kid at a wake, but not during a eulogy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were in OP's position (no sitter, no options) and brought DD (then 19m) out of town for a funeral. DH went to the service alone, but we all went to the wake the night before and the reception aftewards. Those are less serious, and to be honest I think that DD added a lot of levity to the situation. People seemed to enjoy the distraction, and even those who were really distraught over the loss said things like "boy does she look like her aunt" or "XX would have loved to see that dress" - which i like ot think brought them some happiness in their time of sorrow

that said, we always made sure we had an 'out' - DH had a ride home if we needed to leave because DD started melting down, acting up, etc. We also knew where the nearest McD's playplace was if extra energy needed to be burned up. Thankfully DD did well with her coloring books, the snacks that are always at those things, and all the attention

That's a perfect way to handle it. People comple appreciate the toddler not being at the service and understand why the mother had to miss it in order to be with the DC. To be there for the wake pays your respects, without causing stress for the family. A baby or young child at a service will cause stress for anyone who wi be thinking about whether he will act up. Please don't take him to that part.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the wake, the "at home," the reception afterward, the time that the family receives guests, are all perfectly appropriate. The funeral ceremony, no.

[Anonymous]

I'm really surprised at all the anti-kid responses here. If your child can sit through church, she can sit through a funeral. When my infant nephew died, I missed the church service because I spent the whole time outside chasing his then two year old brother around. When my grandpa died last year, my babysitter plans (a Facebook friend from HS tried to set me up with her niece) for the funeral mass fell through so I was there in the second row with my 4 month old and 22 month old DDs. We had books and a doll for the older one, and the baby slept on my mom the entire time. I was doing a reading, and knew that my older DD would freak out if when I got up to go up front, so I just took her with me and held her on one hip while I did the reading. It probably kept me from crying, and my grandmother and aunts and our priest loved that I did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do this, OP. I'm not an uptight person, but this has all the red flags of a disaster. A funeral is not a movie where a crying screaming or talking toddler will be an annoyance that will be forgotten in a few days. You could ruin this funeral and your SIL and her family could rightfully very angry with you for years. My relatives discuss very minor things that happened at funerals and went wrong and pick them apart. Funerals are very expensive, and very solemn occasions in this country. This is just not appropriate. Find a babysitter or stay at the hotel with your child.

Your family sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm really surprised at all the anti-kid responses here. If your child can sit through church, she can sit through a funeral. When my infant nephew died, I missed the church service because I spent the whole time outside chasing his then two year old brother around. When my grandpa died last year, my babysitter plans (a Facebook friend from HS tried to set me up with her niece) for the funeral mass fell through so I was there in the second row with my 4 month old and 22 month old DDs. We had books and a doll for the older one, and the baby slept on my mom the entire time. I was doing a reading, and knew that my older DD would freak out if when I got up to go up front, so I just took her with me and held her on one hip while I did the reading. It probably kept me from crying, and my grandmother and aunts and our priest loved that I did that.

But OP has clearly said that the toddler CAN'T sit through the funeral and she will have to take the child out when it is upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not do this, OP. I'm not an uptight person, but this has all the red flags of a disaster. A funeral is not a movie where a crying screaming or talking toddler will be an annoyance that will be forgotten in a few days. You could ruin this funeral and your SIL and her family could rightfully very angry with you for years. My relatives discuss very minor things that happened at funerals and went wrong and pick them apart. Funerals are very expensive, and very solemn occasions in this country. This is just not appropriate. Find a babysitter or stay at the hotel with your child.

Your family sounds terrible.

Yeah, they may be terrible, I agree with you, but I think you're missing the point -- does OP want to walk into this situation and live with its fallout for years?

[Anonymous]

And the toddler shouldn't be the focus of the day. It's about the mourners. Not the woman with the toddler or the toddler. It's a matter of respect for those closest to the deceased and their comfort.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to ask. If it were me, I would not feel comfortable assuming that it would be okay to bring my DD who is the same age as yours. She is a wonderful kid who brings joy to lots of people...but she is also in the midst of the terrible twos. When she is done or not happy then everyone knows about it. I do not think that is appropriate for a funeral-particularly when it is not your immediate family but your sister in law's. Ask before you bring would be my advice.