Teasing

[Anonymous]

My 9 year old has been dealing with teasing from one schoolmate recently. They used to be friends. I have discussed the teasing with my child. The suggestions seem to be helping my child manage her feelings and reactions. My question is how am I supposed to deal with all the things they share? They're in after-care together at school. They're in the same girl scout troop. They share friends.

Do we just continue with the ignoring at all of the above and decline any other shared invites? My daughter needs to learn how to deal with teasing. At the same time, I don't want to subject her to being stuck with the teaser when she can't just walk away. My daughter has a passive personality. Confrontation is not easy for her.

Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked with the teacher?

What about switching things you can like the GS troop?

[Anonymous]

Since the girls share so many activities, is there any chance you know the mom? There's a chance that the mom knows nothing about it, would want to know, and would put a stop to it of she did. I know you might not want to get her involved, but at 9 the girls are still figuring out the line between playful teasing and when it's gone too far. Moms can step in and help.

[Anonymous]

If you know the mom, you might consider, in a third person way saying something like, "there is some teasing going on with the group of girls that you might want to be aware of", without identifying her child either as the teaser or teaseee (or as yours as the teasee).

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have discussed it with the aftercare teacher. I do know the other girl's mother, but don't want to cause bad feelings when we see each other so often. This could be a short-lived rift between the girls. I don't want to change troops. They've been with the troop since they started as Daisies and I co-lead.

I'm trying to find an appropriate balance between dealing with the problem and avoiding it. She can't just walk away from all of her friends because of the behavior of one girl. That's too much to ask of her. I wonder if declining invites to things like sleep overs and birthday parties is also too much to ask of her. But, I don't want to subject her to the stress of dealing with teasing that could go on for hours without a way to avoid her.

I should try to find a non-confrontational way to discuss with the other girl's mother.

[Anonymous]

At this age, it's hard for them to manage alone. I would talk to the girl's mom.

[Anonymous]

If I were the mom I'd want to know so that I could address it with my daughter. It's not necessarily that the other girl is a bad kid, just that she's not thinking about other peoples feelings and needs to understand what she's doing is really hurtful. This could be a way to end this behavior completely given some guidance. It happened at our school and the mother was very receptive and the behavior ened immediately FWIW.

[Anonymous]

I agree with discussing with the other mom. Just like you are talking to your child about how to deal with teasing, she should be talking to hers about not teasing. Plus, your child may not be the only one who is teasing or will tease in the future.

[Anonymous]

My son was a bit younger than this -- 8 maybe -- but was teasing a kid on the bus. i had no idea and was so glad the mom talked to me about it -- we dealt with it right away.

[Anonymous]

If you're co-leader and there can't you jump in and say "[name of teaser] that is not how we treat our fellow girlscouts." You should most certainly feel empowered to 100% shut down the teasing when the girls are under your supervision. You're modeling assertiveness and teaching an important lesson. Also, as co-leader I think you have an easy entry to bring it up with the mom. "Hey--I just wanted to let you know that at girl scouts today your DD said XXX to another girlscout. I intervened and told her that teasing won't be tolerated under my watch because it's really disruptive and unkind." Certainly elaboate if the teaser doesn't heed your instructions and ask the parents to make sure it won't happen again.

[Anonymous]

Role play with this sort of thing is helpful. When my DD was dealing with this at 7, I worked hard to teach her that if you embrace the alleged "insult" and make a joke of it the teaser get's no satisfaction. Role play with you being your DD -- take a "That's right I'm _____ ha ha eye roll. What of it?"

[Anonymous]

I also agree that you should try to find a non-confrontational way to discuss with the other girl's mother. Say something like "I think our girls are having some issues, and I hope we parents don't need to make a big deal of it. I'm really hoping that the girls can work their way through this." When I have brought things up in that way with other moms, it helps them to avoid the often natural response of being defensive. The girls may or may not work this out, but at least you will have opend the communication with the other mom and given it a shot without over-managing the girls.

[Anonymous]

As a co-leader, you could also do activities that touch on these things. I know a scout leader who used paper hearts and stories. Basically as she read the story, they would tear off a piece of one heart when they heard a put down, and decorate the other heart with stickers when they heard positive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have discussed it with the aftercare teacher. I do know the other girl's mother, but don't want to cause bad feelings when we see each other so often. This could be a short-lived rift between the girls. I don't want to change troops. They've been with the troop since they started as Daisies and I co-lead.

I'm trying to find an appropriate balance between dealing with the problem and avoiding it. She can't just walk away from all of her friends because of the behavior of one girl. That's too much to ask of her. I wonder if declining invites to things like sleep overs and birthday parties is also too much to ask of her. But, I don't want to subject her to the stress of dealing with teasing that could go on for hours without a way to avoid her.

I should try to find a non-confrontational way to discuss with the other girl's mother.

This is your daughter who is being teased (bullied) by her once friend and you are worried about creating bad feelings? How about how you DS feels? What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Discuss it with the girl's mom, but only ONCE.

Depending on the mom, this could backfire.