What do you say to someone who is dying?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| A wonderful wonderful friend of mine just entered hospice. She only has a few days left, she just sent out an email letting us know what is going on. This wasn't a surprise, she has late stage cancer, what do I say to her? I am heartbroken, she is being taken too early, and she is one of those amazing people that only seems to come into your life every so often... |
Anonymous
|
How are you doing?
And in a deeper moment.... What memories will you take with you? (My friend who was a chaplain at a hospital told me that years ago and I thought it was very profound.) |
Anonymous
| I think maybe all you can do at this point is let the person know how much you care for them. Let them feel your love. Tell them the ways that they have impacted your life and what memories of them you will always treasure. At this point feeling the love and warmth of their loved ones is all they have left. Make it rich. |
Anonymous
I would tell her this.... |
Anonymous
|
In the last conversation I had with my best friend, who died 9 years ago, I believe I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to be sure to tell her family for her or anything she wanted to tell me. She shared several things, most importantly "I've had so many blessings and I've had a wonderful life -- make sure they know that." "I will never know why this happened to me -- it's a mystery I won't solve on this earth - but I am going to be okay." I cried and cried and cried -- she didn't know I was crying -- and told her I loved her when we hung up. She probably knew it was our last conversation; I didn't want to believe that but I see now that she had probably planned it that way.
As my friend died 10 days before I completed my dissertation defense, I dedicated it to her memory and later sent her parents the dedication page along with the Acknowledgments page in which I wrote of her life. I included a typed letter that recounted the conversation in detail. I also talked to her mom several times in the months following her death for I knew she was sad about leaving behind her family. OP, I know this is a tough time and I've cried all through typing this post just remembering -- and again, it was 9 years ago for me. That said, I really do think that listening to what your friend says and asking if there is anything she wants to pass on to others will help. Keep any promises you make to her, okay? PS Another friend and I had planned to visit my friend in the last days before she died and she was clearly very upset about this -- I didn't go (but my other friend did). What she told us was "Please just remember me as I once was." She was SO sick and struggling and really wasn't herself at the end. Allow room that this may be your friend's experience, too. PPS What still helps me is reading Marjorie Williams's essays in Woman at the Washington Zoo -- the last one is called "Rock Star" (I believe) and was written just before she died. It's a story of her helping her then 8year old dress for Halloween and realizing (as she put on makeup for her daughter's costume) that this was her chance to see in the future and imagine her daughter heading off to her prom. Remembering that essay is ALMOST as bad for me right now as the "Movie Scenes" forum - cathartic but so very very sad. . . . |
Anonymous
|
Let them know they are loved. I haven't had experience with losing someone young, but have lost each of my grandparents in the last few years. I spoke with each of them within a day, sometimes hours, of their death. In each case I never said "good bye" or "I will miss you". Instead, very much how much I loved them.
My paternal grandmother was cognizant until the end, having suffered a stroke and then dealing with congestive heart failure. At one point I just said "you know what? this sucks." She laughed. To this day I miss them all, more so when I look at my DD whom they will never know. But I have no regrets about my goodbyes with each of them. I'm so sorry for your impending loss. |
Anonymous
| Tell her that she has touched your life and she will not be forgotten. Also, try to be normal with her. You don't have to be dramatic. Feel what you feel and be natural about it and don't try too hard. It's time to just be with her and say goodbye |
Anonymous
|
When my MIL was dying, in a rare moment alone with her I promised to take care of her daughter and her husband. She could barely talk, but she squeezed my hand and mumbled what I heard as "I love you" -- Of course I said I love you too, buti also said that I knew she loved me, that I had always felt it and felt blessed to have her love.
Rambling... and crying... I'm so sorry you're losing your friend. Just know that there is nothing you can say that's wrong, but you may regret not saying how you feel -- even if it feels weird. |
Anonymous
I found it online http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A21061-2004Nov3.html |
Anonymous
| This post is making me sob! Life can be so hard. |
Anonymous
|
Thank you, PP -- I'm the PP who referenced it, and I just re-read it online (I'm away from home and didn't have access to my copy). I first heard Williams's husband read it on NPR, just before the book's publication: I will never forget his voice and her words; I was rocking my newborn DC at the time and suddenly I had an entirely new perspective on everything (in many ways I was still grieving the loss of my best friend, written about above).
OP, I don't know if this essay will bring you comfort or help you release tears, but please know that I am sorry for your loss. I know she knows you love her: I'm sure she loves you, too. |
Anonymous
| Make sure her soul is ready for heaven. Confession, etc. Then lots of praying. The afterlife is forever. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
Are you planning to visit? Her mood and condition will guide you. I'm sorry for your loss. |
Anonymous
Alice would be 14 or 15 now... Getting close to prom time! |
Anonymous
|
Between the YouTube videos thread and this thread I am a hot mess tonight.
OP, I think you go and follow her lead. My Mom died this summer after a courageous battle with breast cancer and I just sat with her, held her hand, and told her how much I loved her. She tried to communicate as much as she could even though she was heavily medicated. Hugs to you and your friend. |