Sooo am I just the best parent ever or are the others complete duds?

[Anonymous]

Every educated parent on here agrees that screen use must be limited, although I will note my friend who has no limits has the best regulated kids re screens. They just don’t care. It’s always been available so they don’t do it much. Nobody else agrees that the plane is the time to limit screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes I chat with my spouse on the plane all the time. We also read and watch movies. Do you think everyone is supposed to be silent the entire time on a plane?


Yes. Yes I do. We are in a confined space. I don’t want to listen to you, you don’t want to listen to me. We are screen-free EXCEPT planes. I’m teaching my kids to be courteous in public spaces and not being loud is part of that.

You must be young. Many of can recall a time when you didn’t have individual screens. I travelled a lot 20-30 years ago and believe it or not it was common to talk to the people you sat next to- even if you didn’t know them.

This is a great point actually. Some of the expectations people in this thread are outline for planes sound insane to me and you're right -- it's because I've been flying for 40 years and it's really only in the last 10 that individual in-seat entertainment has become universal (whether on a seat-back screen or just everyone having a device).

In fact the most active travel period of my life was when I was traveling a ton for work around 2005-2010. This was around when smart phones emerged but not everyone had one and they didn't do as much as now. I had a blackberry for work. You couldn't text on planes and social media was still in its infancy so you never saw people just scrolling their phones. I always traveled with my laptop and worked on planes a lot (billable hours!) but I didn't really expect quiet unless I was flying business class (there are just fewer people in that cabin and mostly business travelers so it was like the "quiet car" by nature). Even in BC I would wind up chatting with a seat mate for some part of the flight about half the time. I made business contacts on planes that turned into clients or led to job offers down the road. And I know I'm not alone.

I remember it being a big deal when Jet Blue started offering seat back entertainment on domestic flights -- that was just for international flights for a long time. And even then I think it was just their NY-SF route.

The personal device thing really didn't take off until around 2015 or so. It's an extremely recent development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every educated parent on here agrees that screen use must be limited, although I will note my friend who has no limits has the best regulated kids re screens. They just don’t care. It’s always been available so they don’t do it much. Nobody else agrees that the plane is the time to limit screens.

This is how we are. Kids don’t have official screen time limits, but if we decide it’s enough they get a five minute warning and then have to turn it off and do something else. Never once had a tantrum or even whining or complaining when it’s time to turn iff the screens. The younger kids love their screens but the oldest gets bored after no more than an hour and just naturally turns it off.

I remember spending good chunks of my summer vacations as a kid watching whatever happened to be on TV and then playing lots of Nintendo. Screens aren’t ideal but I also think the moral panic some engage in is a little over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every educated parent on here agrees that screen use must be limited, although I will note my friend who has no limits has the best regulated kids re screens. They just don’t care. It’s always been available so they don’t do it much. Nobody else agrees that the plane is the time to limit screens.

I largely agree with you EXCEPT I think this is kid dependent. And depends on age. I have one kid who went through a phase where we had to limit screens even on planes because she just could not handle screens in a healthy way. If you gave her a screen she never wanted to turn it off. I would have been reluctant to give her a screen on a plane because she would have freaked out when I took it away for landing. It was the same at home. We had to go pretty close to screen free for her. Eventually we offered screens again but with fairly strict rules (one show and then we turn it off and only some shows were allowed -- we avoided shows that are designed to be addictive with a lot of repetition etc.).

Now this kid is fine and is actually the least screen-interested kid I know. She basically never asks for them and never has any issue when we say it's time to turn it off even when it's the middle of a show. On planes she'll use an iPad but usually only for 60-90 minutes tops -- she'll self-regulate and give it back when it's done. She likes to read and play games and talk. But we only got to this point by basically keeping her almost entirely screen free for almost 2 years. It would not have been worth it to make an exception for planes.

[Anonymous]

You know what else is great for engaging with my kids? Vacation where I am with them 24/7.

Some kids are easier travelers than others. Some kids don’t get screens at home and “unlimited movies” is a huge treat they look forward to.

Once upon a time, I had a 18mo old that we bought a seat for and he slept in his car seat for 90% of the flight from DC to Seattle. We’re not superior parents, we just got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on a 4 hour flight recently. A family with 3 kids decided that they will give the kids iPad for only two hours. The oldest two read for the first two hours. However, the youngest one hit my seat more times that I can count, didn’t stop talking and asking for the iPad. Once she gave him the iPad he was quit. The mom is probably proud that they didn’t watch iPad the whole time. But the child was bothering their fellow passengers for two hours straight.

This thread is interesting because people are talking about several different metrics for what is considered good parenting on a plane.

A lot of people are basing their assessment on the degree to which a parent minimizes annoyance of their kids to other passengers. By this metric giving your child an iPad and headphones for the duration of the flight is great parenting if it keeps the child silent and still for the flight. Because the parenting is judged by how much the child impacts others sitting nearby.

Others including OP are basing their assessment based on a broader evaluation of what is best for the child. Unsurprisingly there is NO agreement in this group because no one agrees on what kids need. Do they need to be interact with and be entertained by their parents? A chance to move around? Or do they need a break and a chance to relax with a screen? No one has mentioned this but I have a kid who is a nervous flyer sometimes. We will sometimes use screens to help her relax so she doesn't freak out during takeoff or turbulence. I used to have some fear of flying and I know there is no distraction quite as good as a good movie or funny tv show to get me through my nerves. OP may never have dealt with a kid who gets scared of flying though.

And then there are people who are focused on the parents comfort and happiness. Which does matter! Yes there are sitautions where a parent is simply exhausted and needs a break and screens can provide that. This is true no matter what though. All parents know that you can use a screen as a limited babysitter when you just need some time to yourself and for your kids to stop pestering you for a while. We also know that if we use this too much it can be more trouble than it's worth because screen-addicted kids are their own kind of nightmare (we had to screen diet our kid after the initial months of Covid shut down because we definitely over-relied on screens to give ourselves a break when we were dealing with loss of childcare and work from home).

Anyway I think the reason a lot of people are talking past each other on this thread is because people are discussing totally different things. Here's my two cents for what it is worth:

I think just planting your kids in front of screens for the duration of a flight is probably not ideal for the kids -- I do think as a parent it's useful for kids to learn to entertain themselves in situations like flights and long car rides and other situations without looking at a screen. So my strategy is generally to bring screens but also not just hand them out instantly -- see how it goes and use them as an option and not an automatic. But also there maybe certain trips where you are just wiped and it's like "yes here is an iPad please leave me alone until we land." But if I did that all the time I know that's not great parenting.

In terms of impacting other people: kicking or climbing on seats is an absolute no and gets shut down immediately (regardless of screens -- kids will kick seats while watching a screen so it doesn't solve it). Talking or playing games is fine. It's not a library. I agree on short flights that getting up constantly with kids is annoying -- have them use the bathroom before the flight and limit liquids even if only for your own sake. On long international flights I don't mind people getting up and moving around some but I think if you are a family you should try to book seats in a way that will minimize having to force other people to get up so your 4 year old can go to the bathroom multiple times.

I mean, how much are you flying that iPad on a flight is “all the time”? I am a no iPad or screen in restaurants mom but seriously flying is really uncomfortable and unpleasant (we are a family of all kinds of motion sickness) and it is totally fine to have a screen for the grand total of 15 maybe 20 hours a year we fly. It is a drop in the bucket of their lives. Anyone who bases their self worth on not using a screen on a flight has my condolences for their insanely boring life and complete lack of perspective.

+1

Best post of the thread. From another mom of nervous, motion sickness prone flyers (including myself).

[Anonymous]

If you haven't learned by now that your kids general behavior has nothing to do with you, then you aren't in fact a great parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes I chat with my spouse on the plane all the time. We also read and watch movies. Do you think everyone is supposed to be silent the entire time on a plane?


Yes. Yes I do. We are in a confined space. I don’t want to listen to you, you don’t want to listen to me. We are screen-free EXCEPT planes. I’m teaching my kids to be courteous in public spaces and not being loud is part of that.

You must be young. Many of can recall a time when you didn’t have individual screens. I travelled a lot 20-30 years ago and believe it or not it was common to talk to the people you sat next to- even if you didn’t know them.

This is a great point actually. Some of the expectations people in this thread are outline for planes sound insane to me and you're right -- it's because I've been flying for 40 years and it's really only in the last 10 that individual in-seat entertainment has become universal (whether on a seat-back screen or just everyone having a device).

In fact the most active travel period of my life was when I was traveling a ton for work around 2005-2010. This was around when smart phones emerged but not everyone had one and they didn't do as much as now. I had a blackberry for work. You couldn't text on planes and social media was still in its infancy so you never saw people just scrolling their phones. I always traveled with my laptop and worked on planes a lot (billable hours!) but I didn't really expect quiet unless I was flying business class (there are just fewer people in that cabin and mostly business travelers so it was like the "quiet car" by nature). Even in BC I would wind up chatting with a seat mate for some part of the flight about half the time. I made business contacts on planes that turned into clients or led to job offers down the road. And I know I'm not alone.

I remember it being a big deal when Jet Blue started offering seat back entertainment on domestic flights -- that was just for international flights for a long time. And even then I think it was just their NY-SF route.

The personal device thing really didn't take off until around 2015 or so. It's an extremely recent development.

PP we may be around the same age. Completely agree - I did a lot of business travel in that same period (junior associate in biglaw so also billa le hours!) and I would often chat a bit with people sitting next to me. Often just a bit about jobs etc and it was interesting. Once on a personal fun trip to Vegas I remember a group of guys including me in the round of shots they bought, ha. Definitely no internet/scrolling back then. People were a little more open in a good way. I had a lot of similar experiences on Amtrak back then too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This was not a troll post. But I fully anticipated being flamed. What else to expect from a bunch of screen-addicted parents with screen-addicted kids?

Literally, these kids are being raised to not develop the capability of amusing themselves. Same for parents - they need to scroll mindlessly to “relax”. It’s like the person who needs a bottle of wine a day to “relax” from work. It’s kind of pathetic but whatever, it’s their lives. I don’t judge so much as pity the addiction…

You're LITERALLY on a screen posting this. The hysterical thing is you are doing this "to relax" yet judging others. The unwashed masses are so annoying.

Also, you literally said "judge" and now you say pity the addiction. You probably have no clue what addiction is. I pity you. that thinks a 3 hour flight is "travel" - get back to us when you get a passport and really see the world.

Sick burn

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you haven't learned by now that your kids general behavior has nothing to do with you, then you aren't in fact a great parent.

Winner.

Good parenting means reacting well to the kid you have, not who your kid is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every educated parent on here agrees that screen use must be limited, although I will note my friend who has no limits has the best regulated kids re screens. They just don’t care. It’s always been available so they don’t do it much. Nobody else agrees that the plane is the time to limit screens.

This is how we are. Kids don’t have official screen time limits, but if we decide it’s enough they get a five minute warning and then have to turn it off and do something else. Never once had a tantrum or even whining or complaining when it’s time to turn iff the screens. The younger kids love their screens but the oldest gets bored after no more than an hour and just naturally turns it off.

I remember spending good chunks of my summer vacations as a kid watching whatever happened to be on TV and then playing lots of Nintendo. Screens aren’t ideal but I also think the moral panic some engage in is a little over the top.

Same. My oldest will wander off and do other things eventually, anyway. It's a larger battle with my younger one, but once we get moving it's fine.

I find the screen debates tiresome at this point and with the same points repeated endlessly, yet here we are (myself included).

[Anonymous]

Long trips by car or plane is when my daughter gets to watch movies. She’s also of the age that on a typical 6-9 hour flight she’ll spend at least three hours and probably more looking out the window, drawing, reading etc.

OP you’re playing this on easy and expecting the reaction of someone who has just circumnavigated the globe. When your kid needs no screens from here to Australia we’ll all agree you’re so amazing and you can have the adulation you’re sort of desperately seeking, ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This was not a troll post. But I fully anticipated being flamed. What else to expect from a bunch of screen-addicted parents with screen-addicted kids?

Literally, these kids are being raised to not develop the capability of amusing themselves. Same for parents - they need to scroll mindlessly to “relax”. It’s like the person who needs a bottle of wine a day to “relax” from work. It’s kind of pathetic but whatever, it’s their lives. I don’t judge so much as pity the addiction…

Really? Wow. The people who have to interact with you irl have my condolences.

[Anonymous]

Well I have two neurotypical, high-achieving, self-motivated girls. So yeah, they were always good with puzzles and books on airplanes. We never let them have a phone or iPad at a restaurant, but I'd hand them a coloring book. I always carry a little sudoku book in my purse, and even today I'll pass it to my 12 or 14 year old. They have phones and iPads now, but they will voluntarily close them when we play a family game or watch The Amazing Race, and talk about how much better it feels to be off screens. Partly that's modeling and parenting, and partly it's just luck.

You know how the universe doesn't give you more than you can handle? Maybe the universe gave us easy kids because we couldn't handle harder ones. I'm not sure that judging other parents is anything other than a failure of compassion and imagination.

[Anonymous]

OP, I tried to be you on a recent set of flights. We made it through without screens, but I was exhausted. Having a little kid strapped in to a small space is just no fun. I value screen free time, but after that experience, I feel far less judgment towards parents who use devices.

In terms of a cultural battle, we must accept that the battle is lost. But what we do within our own families is always our right and privilege. We are not parenting AT each other. So I'll probably just have a nice drink at the airport or on the plane, attempt to wrangle my little wriggler, and hope that no one is judging me, as I refrain from judging them. If we're on the same flight, hand me some of your spare toys, and I'll pass you a drink... Or at least a grateful smile