Why do some women think it's acceptable to get engaged without a ring?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My step dad wouldn't buy my mother an engagement ring. He was a doctor and had plenty of money. She went around telling people she didn't want one, didn't believe in wasting money on jewelry, etc. But she desperately wanted one -- she hated the fact that she didn't get a diamond ring. Felt humiliated by it, actually. She wore an ugly Black Hills Gold ring he bought her on a vacation out West with her wedding ring, telling everyone it was "special because of what the trip meant to us." They fought the whole time on that trip, lol. She just wore that thing because she was ashamed of not having an actual engagement ring and it was her only option.

He'd bought a big diamond for his first wife, and refused to do it again.

Unsurprisingly, their relationship was a sh!t show.

But times are different now, and the diamond industry has lost it's grip on us.

Do you think things would have been different if he'd purchased an engagement ring for her?

No. He was a bad person, and so was she. But the ring thing wasn't even a lack of generosity on the part of my stepdad, it was an aggressive defense mechanism: "I'll marry you because I'm getting something out of it, but I don't love you like I did my first wife and don't you dare expect much of anything." She shouldn't have married him, obviously. But people do dumb things when they are desperate.

But after growing up with that nonsense, I made sure my DH bought me a huge diamond.

Sounds pretty toxic. Hope you have a different life with your DH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The olds’ hypocrisy of “The man proposes with a diamond ring on bended knee after getting permission from her father” but “I am a proud feminist” simply cannot die off soon enough.

Gag.

Has any of the women here who expects a ring identifiex herself as a feminist?

I don't know how they could. Feminism is about having choices and honoring the choice. Expecting a proposal and an engagement ring is anti-feminist even when it's a role reversal - their expectation is that a man will meet the expectation of gendered role simply because he's male. It's definitely contrary to feminism.

I expected a ring and consider myself a feminist for sure. Feminism is absolutely about a woman’s freedom to live her life the way she chooses, to vote and get an education just as any man could, to be president or a SAHM. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the differences between the sexes, both in terms of biology and society. Seems like we disagree on what feminism is.

I don’t care one bit if a woman wants a ring or not, but I do hope in these situations it’s not a woman wanting a ring and going along with not getting one to keep her guy or appear like a cool girl. I particularly love the greenhouse story.

You can identify as you wish, but it's baffling how somebody who follows a movement for gender equality expects to be given things just because of their gender. You might be a feminist, the the expectation of a ring isn't.

It’s really not baffling at all. The majority of women getting engaged are accepting rings.

It is baffling that many of them say they believe in equality.

Only in your warped view of feminism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The olds’ hypocrisy of “The man proposes with a diamond ring on bended knee after getting permission from her father” but “I am a proud feminist” simply cannot die off soon enough.

Gag.

Has any of the women here who expects a ring identifiex herself as a feminist?

I don't know how they could. Feminism is about having choices and honoring the choice. Expecting a proposal and an engagement ring is anti-feminist even when it's a role reversal - their expectation is that a man will meet the expectation of gendered role simply because he's male. It's definitely contrary to feminism.

I expected a ring and consider myself a feminist for sure. Feminism is absolutely about a woman’s freedom to live her life the way she chooses, to vote and get an education just as any man could, to be president or a SAHM. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the differences between the sexes, both in terms of biology and society. Seems like we disagree on what feminism is.

I don’t care one bit if a woman wants a ring or not, but I do hope in these situations it’s not a woman wanting a ring and going along with not getting one to keep her guy or appear like a cool girl. I particularly love the greenhouse story.

You can identify as you wish, but it's baffling how somebody who follows a movement for gender equality expects to be given things just because of their gender. You might be a feminist, the the expectation of a ring isn't.

It’s really not baffling at all. The majority of women getting engaged are accepting rings.

Hhmmm. Now you're being disingenuous. There's nothing wrong with accepting an engagement ring! Nothing at all! It is the expectation of that you should be gifted on because of YOUR gender, that you expect someone to buy you one because of HIS gender that's is anti-feminist. You know that.

A feminist cannot fight against gendered norms for women but expect them to continue for men. That's not what feminism is no matter what you like to think about yourself. Anything else is hypocritical.

Oh come on. These women aren’t surprised or shocked to get and yes receive an engagement ring. They are expecting it and it’s ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

[Anonymous]

I reject your version of feminism that is defined as the abolishment of gender norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I reject your version of feminism that is defined as the abolishment of gender norms.

So enlighten us: what is the feminist case for gender norms?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were watching TV one night when he mentioned getting married out of the blue (I mean, our relationship was going great and it was a logical next step, but it had nothing to do with the 30 Rock episode we were watching). We discussed it and he later proposed with a massive diamond, but that didn't make me any more inclined to marry him nor do I think it meant he was more serious about marrying me. 20 years later we're very happy (I'm one of the people who sometimes posts and people say my husband is a unicorn so I know how lucky I am), but I can't imagine that the absence or presence of a ring has anything to do with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They get the ring soon after. Proposed right then and there. Lightly planned. Can go pick out the ring together and size them right.

That's what I assumed so I asked them. They said they had no plans to get a ring.

Ok, so they don't want one, who cares? Maybe they have other plans for the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. My spouse and I don't even wear our wedding bands. We hate wearing rings. She told me she didn't want a diamond. She has never worn a piece of jewelry ever, except maybe earrings on a very rare occasion like a wedding once every 7 years. Waste.of.money. Going strong after 13+ years of marriage.

Many cultures in the world have no concept of engagement rings.

My spouse and I are the same. We both just hate rings.

OP, you need to lighten up. It's not your wedding, it's not your relationship. It's really pretty silly to place so much weight on the "symbolism" on an engagement ring. Your sister and friend sound sensible to many of us.

I have a six-figure engagement ring and I pretty much never wear it. My husband rarely wears his ring. We both work from home and I never wore them while sleeping, showering, or working out, and when the kids were little and I was washing my hands all the time I would take them off. Our marriage is great. The rings are literally the least important part of our life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not want a ring, we did decide to get married together (no proposal) and then we did. I did not want a wedding ring, I have never worn jewelry. My mom bought us rings, they cost less than $100. I lost mine on the honeymoon, he lost his a few months later.

We also had a small, inexpensive wedding. For both of us it was not about rings and it was not about the wedding, it was about the marriage.

We stayed married for 25 years.

OP sounds like she'll be a bridezilla. Take note of this advice - if you obsess about your wedding (or your ring), you're focusing on the wrong thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The olds’ hypocrisy of “The man proposes with a diamond ring on bended knee after getting permission from her father” but “I am a proud feminist” simply cannot die off soon enough.

Gag.

Has any of the women here who expects a ring identifiex herself as a feminist?

I don't know how they could. Feminism is about having choices and honoring the choice. Expecting a proposal and an engagement ring is anti-feminist even when it's a role reversal - their expectation is that a man will meet the expectation of gendered role simply because he's male. It's definitely contrary to feminism.

It’s not anti-feminism to like a tradition it’s anti-feminism to expect everybody to like the tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The olds’ hypocrisy of “The man proposes with a diamond ring on bended knee after getting permission from her father” but “I am a proud feminist” simply cannot die off soon enough.

Gag.

Has any of the women here who expects a ring identifiex herself as a feminist?

I don't know how they could. Feminism is about having choices and honoring the choice. Expecting a proposal and an engagement ring is anti-feminist even when it's a role reversal - their expectation is that a man will meet the expectation of gendered role simply because he's male. It's definitely contrary to feminism.

It’s not anti-feminism to like a tradition it’s anti-feminism to expect everybody to like the tradition.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think in this MBA-ized “Business Major” world we live in now, symbolism and big romantic gestures, particularly traditional ones, are eschewed in favor of hard-line $$$ calculations. Instead of a once-in-a-lifetime gathering of all your loved ones at your wedding, put that money towards a downpayment for a house, etc.

I have mixed feelings. Some of these dying traditions are just holdovers from an old bourgeois world that prided itself on how decorative/useless the women in the household could be, so I’m not against a sea change away from material representations of these old values and attitudes.

But I also appreciate the aesthetics that come out of beauty for beauty’s sake; a world of expressionless, bottom-dollar utilitarianism sounds dull, depressing, and honestly kind of communist to me.

I think as long as everyone is free to choose what works for them and makes sense for them without pressuring or being pressured by others, we’ll be okay. But our society seems to be trending away from this recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They get the ring soon after. Proposed right then and there. Lightly planned. Can go pick out the ring together and size them right.

That's what I assumed so I asked them. They said they had no plans to get a ring.

Ok, so they don't want one, who cares? Maybe they have other plans for the money.

What money plans could they possibly have other than the ring? /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think in this MBA-ized “Business Major” world we live in now, symbolism and big romantic gestures, particularly traditional ones, are eschewed in favor of hard-line $$$ calculations. Instead of a once-in-a-lifetime gathering of all your loved ones at your wedding, put that money towards a downpayment for a house, etc.

I have mixed feelings. Some of these dying traditions are just holdovers from an old bourgeois world that prided itself on how decorative/useless the women in the household could be, so I’m not against a sea change away from material representations of these old values and attitudes.

But I also appreciate the aesthetics that come out of beauty for beauty’s sake; a world of expressionless, bottom-dollar utilitarianism sounds dull, depressing, and honestly kind of communist to me.

I think as long as everyone is free to choose what works for them and makes sense for them without pressuring or being pressured by others, we’ll be okay. But our society seems to be trending away from this recently.

Ah yes, communism, the economic system that favors housing down-payments and business major-like decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not want a ring, we did decide to get married together (no proposal) and then we did. I did not want a wedding ring, I have never worn jewelry. My mom bought us rings, they cost less than $100. I lost mine on the honeymoon, he lost his a few months later.

We also had a small, inexpensive wedding. For both of us it was not about rings and it was not about the wedding, it was about the marriage.

We stayed married for 25 years.

OP sounds like she'll be a bridezilla. Take note of this advice - if you obsess about your wedding (or your ring), you're focusing on the wrong thing.

I'm married and my wedding when smoothly because my husband delivered, unlike yours!