Semantics

[Anonymous]

Allow me to say upfront that I am not trolling. I'm genuinely interested in the perspective of parents who have children with special needs on this.

Last night, both of my children came to the dinner table with stories about classmates who not only have special needs but, evidently, bear the LABEL in the eyes of the other children in the class.

Both children (1st and 3rd grade) have behavioral or emotional problems (one is on the austism spectrum, I believe, but I don't know the details. In one incident, one of the children had physically injured a 1st grade girl to the point where she was sent to the nurse for ice treatment of her back. In the 3rd graders class, the child is evidently attending Spanish language class without his regular personal aide and is being repeatedly disruptive to his tablemates (my dd sat next to him for a while but no longer does). FWIW, the child who injured the other child was sent to principal's office, parents called, etc.

The takeaway for ME was that both my children were frustrated with these classmates. So, we talked about tolerance and trying to look for the positive things the children bring to the class, how to let things they can't really help slide (SN child isn't behaving this way to deliberately bother YOU, honey -- he can't help that behavior), that sort of thing.

But it was clear that the frustration was rising to... I don't know -- disdain? Annoyance? So, I finally said, "well, if it helps you to understand better, *I* was a special needs child. A bit of background: I am profoundly deaf, so throughout school there were special accomodations for me -- speech therapy, seating close to the front, some technology assistance, extender periods on tests in some cases, etc. etc. My oldest DD says, "that's what special needs is!"

And then it occurred to me: In our efforts to neutralize the word "retarded" as a slur/taunt, have we really just created another pejorative with the lable "special needs?" If our children are seeing "special needs" as synonymous with the behaviors of mentally disabled classmates and the sometimes disruptive behavior they exhibit, I'm not sure we are really making progress on the mainstreaming front.

Genuinely curious what people think. I hope I haven't offended anybody, as that is not my intention. I'm just trying to figure out how to talk to my own children about how to accept these classmates rather than see them only as "other"

[Anonymous]

Hi! I grew up with a disability as did my DH and am now the mother of a child with Aspergers. My and DH's disability has no behavior or cognitive components, so no accommodations growing up (we're that old) although we would qualify for it nowadays.

I find the word "retarded" ugly and mean so I'm glad it's not used anymore. I have no problem with the word "Special Needs" to identify all children who need extra help and accommodation at school.

Behavior problems should be managed. Period. Hitting someone is unacceptable whether or not the child has SN.

My child with Aspergers is in PreK. He is also the youngest in his class with a late summer birthday. His classmates "help" him. It's very cute. They're too young to know his diagnosis but even at that age they realize he's different from them. I give all the credit to his teachers for creating a warm and nurturing atmosphere in the classroom where EVERYONE learns: my son, how to navigate school and the other kids learn tolerance and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Oh GAWD...it's the label police again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi! I grew up with a disability as did my DH and am now the mother of a child with Aspergers. My and DH's disability has no behavior or cognitive components, so no accommodations growing up (we're that old) although we would qualify for it nowadays.

I find the word "retarded" ugly and mean so I'm glad it's not used anymore. I have no problem with the word "Special Needs" to identify all children who need extra help and accommodation at school.

Behavior problems should be managed. Period. Hitting someone is unacceptable whether or not the child has SN.

My child with Aspergers is in PreK. He is also the youngest in his class with a late summer birthday. His classmates "help" him. It's very cute. They're too young to know his diagnosis but even at that age they realize he's different from them. I give all the credit to his teachers for creating a warm and nurturing atmosphere in the classroom where EVERYONE learns: my son, how to navigate school and the other kids learn tolerance and compassion.

I agree with PP quoted above. Having a child with special needs, the label gives a reason for a behavior but never an excuse. No matter what my child may not hit. She may do so because she is frustrated and cannot communicate to the other child but she cannot hit him/her. Likewise, children need to be extra patient with children with special needs and this should be explained to them by teachers and parents.

[Anonymous]

I think the bottom line is that kids can have behavioral problems without being special needs. Kids can be special needs without having behavioral problems. It's astounding, OP, that you had to "announce" to your kids that you have special needs (being deaf) and that otherwise they saw special needs as synonymous with disruptive or emotionally disturbed.

This is something you might take up with your kids' teachers. Perhaps the school needs to do a unit on 'What does it mean to be special needs?" focusing on the notion that special needs does not mean behavior or disruption. Special needs can mean orthopedic handicaps; it can mean reading issues; it can mean mobility issues.

[Anonymous]

Brave lady!

I will assume you are not a troll and that you seek understanding. I think with any learning lesson you need to have courage to say the wrong thing - take your lumps - learn who you can and who you can not say the wrong thing to - take away any lesson you can.

I have a issue with the "special needs" word but get it's just semantics and roll with it. Technically my kids are SN.

I have open and somewhat honest conversations with them a lot. Somewhat honest = age appropriate for me.

My kids know all their special needs - my dyslexic kid told somebody he was diabetic. It's confusing - he does not even understand his SN issue or how it affects his every day life. It is a journey for all of us.

I also say "everybody has something" so I really do have a problem with the SN label but we have to gather together under some kid of forum and so here we are.

I think most thoughtful parent regardless of their child's status - want their kids to have access to the best education possible without getting in the way of another child's need to get the best education possible.

Unfortunately, people are sensitive and maybe have not worked all their own issue out about their kids and once they do it changes or they have another teacher to "educate".

I don't actually think this is a SN issue. Your child has a probelm with another child: whether it's the class clown, a snarky girl, or an ADHD kid that can't stop talking to her.etc.

Talk to the teacher and address your child's specific issue. The teacher and the SN personal aide can help.

No a 3rd grader should not really totally understand SNs kids - mine are SN and I still don't totally understand. I't complicated.

Treat people with respect, understand that sometimes they can't control a sound or a movement or their emotions. Be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brave lady!

I will assume you are not a troll and that you seek understanding. I think with any learning lesson you need to have courage to say the wrong thing - take your lumps - learn who you can and who you can not say the wrong thing to - take away any lesson you can.

I have a issue with the "special needs" word but get it's just semantics and roll with it. Technically my kids are SN.

I have open and somewhat honest conversations with them a lot. Somewhat honest = age appropriate for me.

My kids know all their special needs - my dyslexic kid told somebody he was diabetic. It's confusing - he does not even understand his SN issue or how it affects his every day life. It is a journey for all of us.

I also say "everybody has something" so I really do have a problem with the SN label but we have to gather together under some kid of forum and so here we are.

I think most thoughtful parent regardless of their child's status - want their kids to have access to the best education possible without getting in the way of another child's need to get the best education possible.

Unfortunately, people are sensitive and maybe have not worked all their own issue out about their kids and once they do it changes or they have another teacher to "educate".

I don't actually think this is a SN issue. Your child has a probelm with another child: whether it's the class clown, a snarky girl, or an ADHD kid that can't stop talking to her.etc.Talk to the teacher and address your child's specific issue. The teacher and the SN personal aide can help.

No a 3rd grader should not really totally understand SNs kids - mine are SN and I still don't totally understand. I't complicated.

Treat people with respect, understand that sometimes they can't control a sound or a movement or their emotions. Be kind.

OP here:

Maybe, but to my kids it's VERY MUCH a special needs issue. They view every interaction with this child through the SN prism. And I gather most of the other children do. For better or for worse.

[Anonymous]

So this is where you explain it is not.

At some point my son thought all girls were useless - so it was time to help him have friendships with girks that he could relate to.

The kid disrupts her and he is SN - there are other SN kids in the class that don'r disrupt her.

[Anonymous]

OP, great post. I have tried to ask this question before. I received nothing but ugly responses. This is exactly what some parents are wondering - how do you want US to deal with it?! It seems a very simple question, made difficult by some as a deflecting mechanism. Ir early don't think it helps, but exacerbates an already difficult situation. They want their children to be accepted, but do not give other parents (and therefor children) the appropriate tools. Aren't they learning as they go? Shouldn't they be teaching others as they go, in rode to best serve their child? No one wants to be blindsided by violence when the child really needs understanding, because the child will be in deep water by then, thanks to the parents who failed to explain!

We have very disruptive children in our classes, some are SN. Obviously, not all SN are disruptive. It just snowballs when the parents are hands off about it. It is not going to fix itself.

I know one parent who thinks if she sends her child to someone else's house it will help. But then even the best of friends don't want the child around anymore, because it is so obvious the parents are consumed with themselves instead of their child. Hullo, the child child needs their issue addressed and you need to let other parents know how you are working on it. But to leave another parent stranded then wonder why friends are dropping like flies? Really?

So, thanks for bringing it up, OP. I know my post will meet with defensiveness. I must seem like a good target. After all, it deflects from talking about the child who is acting out! And so it goes.......

[Anonymous]

PP here. I think what I am most offended about is that the parents of some children are one way - they want things in their favor, but don't want to help others help them. This is NOT helping your child!

[Anonymous]

Yes. Some people see the label "special needs" as being as bad as "retarded." A long time ago "retarded" was the nice word to describe children who had previously been label "moron" or "imbecile." Every time we change labels, we eventually get to the point where the new label is a bad one.

As far as the disruptive kids go, I would explain to my children that these kids have problems. Your kids need to have a little pity or empathy or something. It suck being the special needs kid. No one likes them or their behavior. They don't have friends. They're lonely. They don't want to be different from the other kids but they can't help it. They're working on it as much as they can.

With the kid who is disruptive in Spanish, I'd ask the principal why his aide isn't in Spanish. I would inform the principal politely that the kid is disruptive without his aide, and you would appreciate it if an aide could be there, so that your child can learn.

With regard to the violent child, it sounds like it was dealt with and is being dealt with.

[Anonymous]

12:37, 12:39. No wonder you've been met with less than helpful responses previously.

Go address your friend / former friend directly and rid yourself of that anger.