Gift Weirdness

[Anonymous]

So my DC noticed a gift to (be going to) their friend and responded - "WHAT?! They never give us gifts!?!" DC is right. We don't need anything or want anything, in all seriousness. But DC notices if someone forgets their birthday or whatever. Especially if DC has gone through the trouble of choosing a special gift for their friend. We try to emphasize that it is not about the gift, it is about the friendship. Then DC responds "then why does (child) always bee line it for my toys when they come over?" DC is pretty astute, so it is hard to retort what essentially makes sense. I have nothing to prove DC wrong, but would like to. We seem to teach our children differently than our friend teaches theirs, which is fine, but I have no answers. It seems DC feels like DC doesn't matter to friend, which seems quite sad. A hand made card would really be best, and in keeping with what our house is trying to convey. I am not trying to sound martyr -ish, just out of ideas. Any help please?

[Anonymous]

Are you giving gifts to local friends who aren't having parties? Or sending gifts to friends whose party you couldn't attend anyway? Do you invite the friend to your child's birthday party? I think I need more info before I can give a complete answer. But in general, I guess I'd ask your own motivations for giving presents to people who aren't reciprocating.

[Anonymous]

How old and what sex?

My response somewhat depends on that because I think until a certain age (7?) your relationship with the child's parents more influence the tone of the relationship (i.e. gifts) than the actual child. Also my son doesn't really think about gifts and playing with another kids toys, but he's pretty young (3).

Your child is very attuned and you are saying the right things, but if s/he wants to distance herself from that friend then let him/her. A part of growing up is learning what you want in friendships and sometimes those lessons are really hard to learn.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are dealing with multiple issues here. As far as your child feeling like his friends like him for his toys, maybe put the toys away before friends come over? Maybe suggest an activity when friends come over?

If your child is doing bookkeping about giftgiving, then in my opinion all the more reason to give gifts with no expectation of return. He needs to understand that gifts are not given because we expect to get something, but because giving is an end.

[Anonymous]

Well there's always the "It's fun and festive and makes us happy to give gifts to others," which, I assume, would be a truthful answer. Beyond that, I would ask, why are you giving gifts to others if it's not reciprocal? Personally, I'm not a gifty person and I really try to limit the number of people I exchange gifts with, it makes me uncomfortable when people keep giving me gifts even when I haven't gifted them. I think you should consider that these non-gifters might be trying to signal you that they just aren't interested in exchanging gifts-which doesn't mean they don't like you or that they are ungenerous people.

[Anonymous]

Age matters here, because I know just about all preschool kids beeline to the toys in their friends houses because of the novelty.

[Anonymous]

OP here (then off to work), thanks for the advice! DC is a little more financially mature than some of the children his age. I'll spare you the big long explanation. I think what I am trying to convey to DC, without wanting to admit it, is that we don't drop our friends because they don't give us gifts. These instances pertain to birthday party situations, FWIW. DC has absolutely been given the repeated explanation and serious emphasis that there is no price on friendship, and variations thereof. It involves young elementary age. I wonder if the other parent might be sending the wrong message, or sour grapes for something unrelated - sort of an unconscious (or conscious!) message of some sort? Trying to give the benefit of the doubt here.

Like I said, we honestly do not want or need anything, DC knows this. A small something like a hand made card would really be our preference. I have told people this when they ask, but I am afraid it comes across as cheesy to some? Ultimately, I am working toward donations to a needy cause. Please don't flame me for this, I would like to stay on point.

[Anonymous]

So, wait, you are telling his friend's parents not to give him gifts and he is surprised when he doesn't get gifts? Maybe I'm missing something. You should tell him that you specifically told people not to buy gifts and that's why they aren't buying gifts. Even if you only told people once not to buy gifts they might take it as "ever" if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, wait, you are telling his friend's parents not to give him gifts and he is surprised when he doesn't get gifts? Maybe I'm missing something. You should tell him that you specifically told people not to buy gifts and that's why they aren't buying gifts. Even if you only told people once not to buy gifts they might take it as "ever" if that makes sense.

Agree, if I asked someone what her child might like for his birthday and she said, "well he really doesn't need anything-he has so much stuff already, really you don't have to worry about it, just a little homemade card would be nice." I would think it was a no gifts party and not bring a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my DC noticed a gift to (be going to) their friend and responded - "WHAT?! They never give us gifts!?!" DC is right. We don't need anything or want anything, in all seriousness. But DC notices if someone forgets their birthday or whatever. Especially if DC has gone through the trouble of choosing a special gift for their friend. We try to emphasize that it is not about the gift, it is about the friendship. Then DC responds "then why does (child) always bee line it for my toys when they come over?" DC is pretty astute, so it is hard to retort what essentially makes sense. I have nothing to prove DC wrong, but would like to. We seem to teach our children differently than our friend teaches theirs, which is fine, but I have no answers. It seems DC feels like DC doesn't matter to friend, which seems quite sad. A hand made card would really be best, and in keeping with what our house is trying to convey. I am not trying to sound martyr -ish, just out of ideas. Any help please?

Your kid is right - stop forcing them to pick out and give gifts to friends.

If it's about the friendship - then why are you giving a gift? You are really teaching your child "see what great people - we give great gifts and tons of accolades! everyone thinks we are so fabulous, see how they complimenting us! And we so great - we never ask for anything in return!!!". Not to mention the awkward situation you put the other family in to always being receiving but never allowed to give.

Exchanging gifts for occasions with friends is fine to do if you both want to and if you don't, then just stop.

[Anonymous]

I don't mean to flame, but I imagine your DC (no matter what age) would have difficulty reconciling the message "We give them gifts because we care" with "It's OK that they don't give us gifts."

I'm really not flaming, but something in your message feels a little condescending. "We have money, so we can give you gifts, but we don't expect/want any gifts from you."

If you really want to model for your DC, why not give the lovely heartfelt card?

[Anonymous]

Sorry but I have a friend who gives my kids gifts. I don't buy her kids anything. I wish to god she would not buy anything for my kids. We have so much crap. I am sorry that you feel your DC is left our but come on, the holdiays are not about presents. This year don't get them anything.

[Anonymous]

PP, don't buy gifts for your own children for the Holidays? Really? Would you do that? Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Like I said, we honestly do not want or need anything, DC knows this. A small something like a hand made card would really be our preference. I have told people this when they ask, but I am afraid it comes across as cheesy to some? Ultimately, I am working toward donations to a needy cause. Please don't flame me for this, I would like to stay on point.

What are you telling the potential gift-givers--are you saying "no gifts" or soliciting for donations? Is that why your child isn't getting a gift from that friend? If so, you need to be straightforward with your child that the friend is doing just as you asked. If your child doesn't like it, that's between the two of you, not between your child and the friend.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you are sending mixed messages. You tell your friends that you prefer cards, but go ahead and buy them gifts? Unless you friends are asking for presents, which it doesn't sound like, you are setting up a confusing situation yourself. Stop buying gifts (unless it's something like for a birthday party), and if your child asks why she doesn't get presents, tell her that you've asked for cards only. And, BTW, your description of your friends sounds pretty condescending--"We seem to teach our children differently..."