Advice to a friend about timing children

[Anonymous]

So a really good friend of mine recently told me of her plan to have kids. First reaction, I was so very excited for her! Then she elaborated about having one within a year, before doing residency. Not being familiar with residency other than our friends doing 12-hour shifts 6 days a week, I asked if she was able to figure out something more reasonable. She said no, but they would have plenty of help from family. Her husband also works 12 hour shifts and weekends.

I realized how insanely hard that would be on them and their baby, but didn't want to say it in front of other friends and really don't know how to verbalize that without coming off as a debbie-downer. I'm the first of our group to have kids, so I'm the only one that knows of the time demands. Is there a way to communicate what life might be like (i.e. seeing your child for 1 hour or less per day, total exhaustion, needing a maid, etc?) so that it might help her prepare or manage expectations?

I know she has dreamed of becoming a doctor and a mother, but I worry about her well being given that our childless friends are struggling to keep up with the demands of residency.

[Anonymous]

I think you should MYOB. They'll figure it out, and she probably has other friends/colleagues in a similar situation to ask for advice.

[Anonymous]

I never lost step with my cohort. We all finished at the same time, despite the fact that among other things I had two children during the time we were all working toward the doctorate. And I did a good chunk of that as a single mom.

Good thing I didn't have a self-righteous "friend" to dismiss my plans.

Who are you to tell her how to plan her family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should MYOB. They'll figure it out, and she probably has other friends/colleagues in a similar situation to ask for advice.

No one in her program has children.

I'm doing the same thing as her (in school, not for an MD, though) and I wish one of my friends with kids would have sat down and had a heart-to-heart about the time commitments because I had no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I never lost step with my cohort. We all finished at the same time, despite the fact that among other things I had two children during the time we were all working toward the doctorate. And I did a good chunk of that as a single mom.

Good thing I didn't have a self-righteous "friend" to dismiss my plans.

Who are you to tell her how to plan her family?

I don't want to tell her anything, just what it takes to be successful at both.

[Anonymous]

Agree you should MYOB - yes, it will probably be pretty hard, but your friend is likely aware of that already. My cousin is a resident and has a son who's almost a year old, and her husband is an anesthesiologist - their schedules are definitely demanding but they are making it work and love their son to pieces.

[Anonymous]

It's her decision. I think you can give her information, but it's still her decision. You can share with her your kid's schedules, and the schedule and price of the daycare you send your kid to. But then you need to butt out.

[Anonymous]

Here's the key: Did she ask for your advice? If yes, give your opinion nicely, and one time, and not again. If no, then there's nothing to discuss.
There have been other threads extolling the virtues of the "nod and smile" response/reaction. It may be time for you to start practicing.

[Anonymous]

Dear Captain Obvious,

MYOB.