Sheer Terror

[Anonymous]

Well, I got a positive pregnancy test after 2.5 years of TTC. I have never been pregnant in my life so this was an amazing accomplishment to see 2 pink lines. I thought I would feel so elated and I'm scared to death. My family (only people we told) are very excited and realized that I'm not excited at all and they had to ask why. I said, "We tried so hard to get here with all these IVF's and all the money and I just don't believe it's going to stick."

I know this is clearly the wrong attitude, and I'm not trying to self-destruct over here, but when does it feel real? After I see the heartbeat? After I graduate and leave the fertility clinic and go to my OB? After 13 weeks? After labor and delivery? I've made it through 3 betas which were all super strong and now in a few days I have the ultrasound.

I said to my husband, "I'm so glad winter is coming. I just want to bundle up and not let anyone see me until spring thaw when I'll be 6 months pregnant and hopefully in the clear." I'm sure this thinking is normal, and the harder you try the more tenuous you think the pregnancy is, but can anyone say anything reassuring, or slap me, or something? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I think your reaction is completing normal. I remember feeling the same after taking finally conceiving the first time after trying for years. I don't remember worrying so much with my first pregnancy. However, my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage at about 12 weeks. When

[Anonymous]

NP here- 17:04, so sorry for your loss. I am 12 weeks and also freaking out. Do you mind saying what happened with your second pregnancy? Was it chromosomal?

[Anonymous]

PP (17:04) poster again, my LO was sitiing on my lap and hit some key that made me post too soon! Anyway, when I got pregnant a third time, I was a nervous wreck until about 13 weeks, when miscarriage becomes much less likely. At one point at about week 8, I was experiencing a lot of bleeding and was so terrified I was going to lose the baby. My OB basically told me that what would be, would be and that that early not much could be done to stop an impending miscarriage, so just relax and hope for the best. Eventually, the bleeding stopped and I went on to have a pretty uneventful pregnancy. Here he is at two banging on my keyboard! Anyway, I know it is hard to take when you are going through it, but you are by no means alone in the feeling or situation. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think your reaction is perfectly normal, and I think infertility survivors all have their own timelines. Mine was a long one -being a mom didn't seem real to me until well after my son was born, and it wasn't an "all at once" thing. I wish I had felt more "on" for my pregnancy and early infancy, but now I just understand everything in its time. And I absolutely love and adore my toddler.

Just give yourself time. It took you 2.5 years to get there, it's going to take you some time to change your "operating mode" (infertile to mom-to-be).

[Anonymous]

17:04 again. Regarding the miscarried 2nd pregnancy, they did not do any testing. I was told that they don't do testing until you've had like two or three in a row. I was 39 at the time and thought that policy was pretty ridiculous, given that I thought I would not have many more chances for another baby. At any rate, the embryo just kind of stopped growing. They had been concerned, I guess, but didn't say anything, hoping it would catch up. But I went in for my second ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. My OB just said something about how statistically miscarriages were much more common at my age. I don't know, seems like if it were chromosonal, it would have happened earlier, but maybe not. At any rate, I did go on to have a beautiful, healthy baby boy when I was 41. I was stunned, kind of figured that the miscarried baby had been my last chance, but it all worked out. Try not to freak out. I know how hard that is when you care so much, but so much of it really is beyond your control, try to hope for the best. And even if the worst happens, it may not be the end.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, OP! I think you got some good advice from the ladies here. Wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months.

[Anonymous]

First OP, congrats! Those two little lines are hard fought. Don't minimize it.

Second- I have a two year old and it doesn't feel real to me yet.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations!!! I think what you are feeling is completely normal. It took us a long time to conceive #1 and I was terrified of miscarriage because one of my aunt's (mom's sister) had had so many. I did not relax about telling anyone until after 1st trimester was over. But then we found out around 16 weeks that I have an incompetent cervix and so I had to see a high risk doctor pretty much every week after that, and then bed rest for a couple months with preterm labor before they finally let him come out at 37 weeks. Even with numerous ultrasounds and seeing him grow so many times, it still wasn't real until he was born and I could not fully let myself get attached to him until then because I was so afraid of losing him. And then, I was so worried about SIDS I would check on him multiple times every night (and actually still do at least a couple times). He is a happy, healthy 2.5 year old now and I am not so anxious .

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Thanks all. I know that the fears are founded, and that I really can't do much to change it, and I really like the reference to "infertility survivors" and living on a different timeline. That makes a lot of sense. I spent so many years as a reckless 20 something dodging pregnancy and not trying very hard to do so that when it came time, I wondered if I was even able to conceive. This is so totally foreign to me that I'm stunned. I'm almsot 39, so I'm also terrified of the age factor. There's nothing in my history to indicate any "known" factors to cause a miscarriage, i.e. no endo, no fibroids, no other issues. But it still doesn't make that feeling like someone is going to take this away, go away.

To the last OP about being terrified of SIDS, lord, that is going to be me. I wake up in the middle of the night if I don't hear my precious little snoring dog and I shake him awake (this is not normal) sometimes. I know that whatever is going to happen will happen, but man I just want this little one (or two) to hold on tight.

I also heard some terrifying things yesterday from my SIL who is a fertility nurse that all those tests of amnio and such are not only high risk to the baby, but they aren't even close to accurate! She said she knows 2 people close to her were told they had a baby with downs, and the baby was born 100% normal. Like I need that to worry about too. I meandered over to the Expectant Mother's thread to try to find some info on that, got scared, and then promptly came back here, my safe place, because those ladies are super high strung over there. Opinions on amnio will fly and cause such a ruckus. Serenity now Serenity now, go back to TTC...

[Anonymous]

18:15 here - and just wait until they have their first head bump and you constantly wake them up all night to check for consciousness . It WILL get better eventually, I promise! With the amnio, we didn't do it because we knew we would not choose to terminate the pregnancy regardless of the outcome and didn't want to put any further risk/stress to baby with the process. Your mommy decisions are just beginning, so try to just breathe and take it slow one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

it didn't feel real to me until I started feeling the baby kicks.

[Anonymous]

After suffering a tubal pregnancy where I lost a tube and a miscarriage, once I got pregnant again it didnt feel real to me and something could happen at any moment. At 18 weeks I started having serious pains. They were so severe I thought for sure I was having a miscarriage. I prepared myself for the worst. Turned out I had a fibroid that degenerated. We waited as long as we could to tell people. If I had my way we would have told no one.
It didnt feel real to me until I actually saw my baby. Up until then, it wasnt that I wasnt excited it's just that I knew all too well that a pregnancy doesnt equal a baby for me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yesterday marked 6 weeks and today I'm spotting. See? I freaking knew this was too good to be true.

Ultrasound on Thursday. Prepping for the worst.

[Anonymous]

This is 17:04 again. I had spotting, some of it like a period, with all three pregnancies. Only one of them ended in miscarriage and the bleeding was not around the time of the miscarriage. Hang in there! It isn't over until it is over. Let us know how it turns out.