How did you react when you found out you were having a baby of the unpreferred sex

[Anonymous]

I am nearing the 20 week mark and am petrified at finding out that I am having another baby of the same sex. I know, irrational and petty. My rational self would feel blessed by the arrival of a healthy baby, regardless of sex. Still, my evil twin longs for one of each. How did you react? How did you cope?

[Anonymous]

One ultra sharp pang of disappointment, almost cried right on the table. Went home and told the older two the sex of the baby and we talked about names. When I put my youngest (at the time) son to bed, he whispered to me that he already knew the new baby was a boy. I asked him how, and he told me - "I prayed for a brother - that's how".

[Anonymous]

I was bummed for a few days, cried once during the British Open that weekend (really wanted a boy) and then basically got over it. It wasn't so hard, and now I can't imagine having anyone other than my daughter.

[Anonymous]

I cried hard for a day, felt incredibly guilty about it, then went shopping at Carters and bought a whole bunch of cute baby clothes now that I knew the gender. Yes, I admit to sneaking glances at the "other side" of the store and wishing I was buying those clothes, but then I would look at the cute ones that I was holding and I would think, "This is gonna be okay." I still feel wistful some days, but for the most part I am over it six weeks later. This baby picked you to be his/her mommy, and that's pretty cool if you think about it.

[Anonymous]

Thats exactly why we didn't find out with baby #2. I really wanted a girl, since we had a boy and this was probably the last child. I knew that once I saw the baby, I would fall in love and wouldn't care whether or not it was another boy. But I knew that if I found out at 20 weeks that it was a boy, I'd spend the next few months thinking of all the girl-things I'd be missing out on and that I'd feel disappointment until the baby actually arrived.

[Anonymous]

PP- did you end up having a boy or girl?

[Anonymous]

I'm pregnant with my third child of the same sex and experiencing a bit of "gender disappointment." From what I've read, it's actually pretty common. The worst part has been dealing with other people's obnoxious reactions. ("ANOTHER ONE??" and things like that.) Sometimes I tell people I don't know what I'm having to avoid these comments.

It's helped to talk about it with my husband and other family members who understand. At first I felt guilty about my disappointment because as OP says, it's a blessing to have a healthy baby of any sex. The guilt only made me feel worse.

My advice is let yourself feel disappointed, angry or whatever, then try to understand why you have those feelings. What are you afraid you'll miss? Why is having the other sex so important to you? I've found my disappointment comes not from ingratitude, but more from a sense of mourning what will not be, as this is very likely our last child. Of course some of those things might never have been anyway. They were MY hopes and dreams for a child, not the reality of that little person. And, I decided, some of the things I was sad about missing were just plain dumb.

Another thing that's helped is sharing the excitement of a new sibling with my children. They are thrilled, and it's hard for me not to be, too, when I talk to them about it. A big lesson with my second child was all kids are different, even those of the same gender. So I know even the third time around, I'm not simply getting more of the same.

Finally, I think of all the things I can do with the money I'm saving on clothes, toys, etc.

I debated finding out the gender ahead of time, but I ultimately decided to do it because I didn't want anything to cloud my birth experience or possibly trigger PPD. Now I'm glad I have a few months to work through my issues, and I'm feeling very excited as delivery approaches. Other women who've gone through this say the disappointment ends when they hold their new baby.

Good luck. I'm sure that whatever the baby's gender, it will prove to be just what your family needed.

[Anonymous]

If you decide not to learn the sex at the 20 week, the adrenaline of giving birth will pretty much guarantee you're happy with whatever you get. I was SO afraid we'd have a girl (never liked little girls, terrified of raising a teen girl), but we went for the surprise. And from the moment they handed me my new daughter, I've been totally in love with her, and now actually hope the next one is a girl too. I think I just needed to connect with the actual baby, rather than the idea of what a girl might be like. Of course, that's my experience with a first baby. I wasn't hoping to balance an existing brood.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate the honesty of this thread. I have felt guilty for some time about how much I wanted a girl (which is what we did end up having...) - for some reason, it just felt wrong to want one gender more than the other. We chose to find out the sex after the amnio because I felt - if our db had been a boy - that I needed and wanted time to adjust my attitude before the birth. Anyway, it helps to know that it is just a common part of human experience.

[zumbamama]

I wanted a second boy, but found out it was a girl. I felt a little pang of disappointment but quickly got over it...even more so when I went baby shopping for girl stuff. Shopping always helps see the brighter side of things...haha!

[Anonymous]

i don't know if this helps at all, but most of my friends have had two (or three) of the same sex and though they all initially hoped for "balance", they are all totally fine and happy (now) with how things turned out. I think some of them actually prefer not having to buy all new stuff the second time around, and I think you get used to raising one sex and it makes it a little easier the second time around. Plus sometimes kids are closer emotionally when they're the same sex.

personally, i was secretly hoping for a girl - and am having one (my first) - and might have been a wee bit disappointed to have a boy, but i think i would have gotten over it within days of finding out the sex, and would be just as excited as I am now. I did worry that the baby's father would be disappointed she's not a boy, but he seems fine with the idea of a daughter. (thank goodness!)

Either way, good luck!

[Anonymous]

I was disappointed for a while, but got over it and am in love with my son. Of course, since he's only a year old, we haven't yet gotten to the stuff about him being a boy that I wasn't looking forward to (still am not) -- cars, trucks, guns, video games, finding porn under his mattress (much later), etc. I'm already freaking out about how freaking butch all the toddler and little boy clothes are -- it makes me want to vomit.

I have to say, though, I am really worried about how I will feel if we have a second boy (haven't even started trying yet, but I'm already thinking about it). I will be FAR more disappointed to be having a second boy, because I always dreamed of being a mother to all girls, and I worry that my grown sons will not want a close relationship with me, which will crush me. Of course there's no guarantee that I'd be close to a grown daughter either, but the chances are better, it seems. If we have two boys, I will seriously consider the sperm-spinning procedure for the third so I can have at least one girl.

I've known many women who only wanted boys and I totally don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you should post this on the TTC category. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps you should post this on the TTC category. Count your blessings.

The OP clearly stated that the rational part of her is grateful for a healthy baby of either sex. She isn't being ungrateful... just honest.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP ... I am sure that deep down inside a lot of women have prefer a baby of a specific sex. What's wrong with that, it doesn't say that you will not love the baby. I really hoped for a girl the first time but when I had my 20 week scan and I was one second away of finding out I found myself thinking it really wouldn't matter at all. Have to admit I was happy when they said baby girl. Second time around I really hoped it was a girl because I simply prefer little girls over little boys and I was lucky again. I still count my blessings that I have two girls although I am sure that I would have loved a boy as well.