Is There a Nice Way to Tell My Husband that I am Bored in Bed

[Anonymous]

First some background, he is a very sensitive and affectionate person. He craves affection like a woman (yes, I did write that) and his ego gets brusied very easily. With that in mind how do I tell him that I am bored without causing serious damage that may affect our marriage.

I am not bored with him just with the sex. The "kinkiest" think that he will do is oral and he is not ever that great at it (too gentle) and he will do doggie if I beg and insist. Its either missionary or me on top (his preference). I suggest toys and he agrees but them balks. I want to go a little crazy, I want to be tied up, to be ticked with feathers. I want him to stop treating me like a piece of fine china. Last night went down for what seemed like a lifetime but I was bored the whole time, when it was time for PIV sex I tried to talk to him, ask him what he want me to do to him and he said "I want you to stop talking" and them pulled me on top of him.

I think we need to talk but I do not know where to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First some background, he is a very sensitive and affectionate person. He craves affection like a woman (yes, I did write that) and his ego gets brusied very easily. With that in mind how do I tell him that I am bored without causing serious damage that may affect our marriage.

I am not bored with him just with the sex. The "kinkiest" think that he will do is oral and he is not ever that great at it (too gentle) and he will do doggie if I beg and insist. Its either missionary or me on top (his preference). I suggest toys and he agrees but them balks. I want to go a little crazy, I want to be tied up, to be ticked with feathers. I want him to stop treating me like a piece of fine china. Last night went down for what seemed like a lifetime but I was bored the whole time, when it was time for PIV sex I tried to talk to him, ask him what he want me to do to him and he said "I want you to stop talking" and them pulled me on top of him.

I think we need to talk but I do not know where to start.

find a porn you like, put it on, point to him, and say "like this. do me the fuck like this."

Also, anal. All men like anal.

[Anonymous]

OP here, LMAO at the PP's response. Re anal, he could be lying but he told me that he did not like it. We were talking once and he mention that he did it once at the suggest of the woman and in his words "she said I would like it but I did not".

I am also afraid that if I suggested anal he will think I have turned into a "skank" who is unfit to be his wife and mother to his children. Yes, he has those issues too!!

[Anonymous]

Oh LORD!!! You do have a boring sex life! My wife and I watch porn. The first few minutes she tries to pretend that it isn't doing much for her (even though watching is her suggestion), and then, certain physical changes occur that let me know that it is having an affect. She just let me try the back door a few months ago. It was OK and I'd do it again, but she is gradually loosening up to the kind of freak I wanted all along. Maybe your husband has some issues with the fact that he would like to do these things but is embarrassed about what you'll think of him if he likes it? My wife offered to massage my prostate, and though I might like it, I acted cool to the idea precisely because I might like it. I like the suggestion to put the porn on and show him what you want. We watch mostly 80's porn because that's when women actually had hair, but nicely trimmed hair and natural boobs (and because I fell in love with Ginger Lynn as an adolescent boy). Just order some stuff online and have it shipped to you. If nothing else, you can use the porn when he isn't around and you can be almost as freaky as you like-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh LORD!!! You do have a boring sex life! My wife and I watch porn. The first few minutes she tries to pretend that it isn't doing much for her (even though watching is her suggestion), and then, certain physical changes occur that let me know that it is having an affect. She just let me try the back door a few months ago. It was OK and I'd do it again, but she is gradually loosening up to the kind of freak I wanted all along. Maybe your husband has some issues with the fact that he would like to do these things but is embarrassed about what you'll think of him if he likes it? My wife offered to massage my prostate, and though I might like it, I acted cool to the idea precisely because I might like it. I like the suggestion to put the porn on and show him what you want. We watch mostly 80's porn because that's when women actually had hair, but nicely trimmed hair and natural boobs (and because I fell in love with Ginger Lynn as an adolescent boy). Just order some stuff online and have it shipped to you. If nothing else, you can use the porn when he isn't around and you can be almost as freaky as you like-

I don't get that. Why did you act cool?

I had a lover like OP's husband and I found that he really was very submissive and his fantasies revolved around being dominated. OP wants her DH to take charge and be in control and I don't think he's into that. i have a feeling that if OP offered to tie him up and do things to him he might be more receptive. This could open up the door to more interesting things. Also, OP, I think you need to give him some very nice pleasant instruction using an "I message" on how to go down on you.

[Anonymous]

DH here. This may be a tough nut to crack, because most guys would be jumping at the signals you are giving if they are sufficiently clear, but only if they believe you really mean them. Some might think it is some weird test, and others might have sufficiently strange ideas about women hanging around from their past experiences that they just aren't hearing the message you are sending.

Fortunately, most men respond reasonably well to direct communication, so long as some level of care is taken to avoid bruising their ego. Here is what I'd try: tell him you are interested in trying some more experimental things in the bedroom. Don't talk about it then, though -- he seems shy. Tell him you are going to write down a list and leave it for him somewhere, and ask him to write a list of his own once he has seen yours and had a chance to think about it. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Tie yourself up naked and put instructions on a piece of paper and lay there until he follows them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tie yourself up naked and put instructions on a piece of paper and lay there until he follows them

This won't work. You need to offer to tie him up.

[Anonymous]

I almost think you guys need a sex therapist - someone to help talk about things and help you train him.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about some kind of game where you get to experiment with a variety of positions, etc.? I'm sure there's some kind of deck of sexy cards out there with different ideas on them, or you could both just write down on slips of paper things you'd like to do, and take turns drawing one out and doing it. That way, you'd be able to do some of what he likes and what you like. Maybe there are things he'd like to do that he is just embarrassed to say out loud.

If his ego is easily bruised, you don't want to say something like "I'm bored". Instead, tell him you'd like to "spice things up a little".

Do you think there is something in his childhood or his past that made him not want to be adventurous? Therapy might not be a bad idea, but the idea of that might not be well received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I had a lover like OP's husband and I found that he really was very submissive and his fantasies revolved around being dominated. OP wants her DH to take charge and be in control and I don't think he's into that. i have a feeling that if OP offered to tie him up and do things to him he might be more receptive. This could open up the door to more interesting things. Also, OP, I think you need to give him some very nice pleasant instruction using an "I message" on how to go down on you.

16:15 here, there is some truth to this. I have some submissive fantasies of my own that I keep to myself because they seem quite inconsistent with what DW would like (and there are enough other things I am into that I don't really mind leaving this aside). Are you open to that kind of thing? If not, you may well have some difficulties to work through in the event this is your DH and that is where he is on these issues.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all, I will try the list idea. BTW, I offered to use handcuffs in him once (he knew I was joking) but he said that he was too much of control freak to go for it. Yes, the man if full of contradictions.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I have no issues with being dominant with him but I dont think he will go for it. Its like he has a set idea of what sex should be and that is it. To give an example we are both very generous with oral but he has never come anywhere but inside me and if I try to go longer that he wants he just yanks me off sometime forcefully. Once when kissing he body I stuck my tounge in his belly button and he totally recoiled saying that did not I realise how dirty it was in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I have no issues with being dominant with him but I dont think he will go for it. Its like he has a set idea of what sex should be and that is it. To give an example we are both very generous with oral but he has never come anywhere but inside me and if I try to go longer that he wants he just yanks me off sometime forcefully. Once when kissing he body I stuck my tounge in his belly button and he totally recoiled saying that did not I realise how dirty it was in there.

DH from above: get thee to therapy. This sounds like it will be a heavy lift requiring some professional assistance.

[Anonymous]

Has he been like this since you first started having sex? Did you have sex before marriage?

If the answer to both of my questions in yes, I don't think your husband is wrong, his sexual preferences just differ from yours. That's a problem, but it doesn't mean he has a problem. It means that as a couple, you two have the problem of differing sexual desires. I'm into very kinky stuff, and my husband is into it to, but to a lesser extent. I married him knowing this, so it would be a bit silly for me to find him unreasonable now if he were uncomfortable in indulging some of my more out-there desires.

Since your husband doesn't seem open to trying new things when you talk to him about them, couples therapy could be a good idea so you two can hopefully work towards a compromise.