If you left Big Law…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a junior partner right now with very little control over his schedule. If he spends a few years in a high level govt post, he can come back to BigLaw as a rainmaker (or a senior level of counsel) with more control. He'll move up the totem pole. I think it makes sense as long as he moves to the right govt position.

I don't think you'll be happy living on one govt salary. That's hard to do around here. You should consider getting a job or agree that the government job will be temporary.

There is NO GUARANTEE that he will ever be able to come back to biglaw if he leaves and goes to government. None. Go into this knowing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a junior partner right now with very little control over his schedule. If he spends a few years in a high level govt post, he can come back to BigLaw as a rainmaker (or a senior level of counsel) with more control. He'll move up the totem pole. I think it makes sense as long as he moves to the right govt position.

I don't think you'll be happy living on one govt salary. That's hard to do around here. You should consider getting a job or agree that the government job will be temporary.

There is NO GUARANTEE that he will ever be able to come back to biglaw if he leaves and goes to government. None. Go into this knowing that.

He will not go back. The talk of going back was talk to make the decision less scary for himself and OP.

He already told her that the fed job was his dream job. They need to plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

If OP was a man with a biglaw wife, your response would be completely different. I’ve never heard the phrase “grow up” from someone mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

If OP was a man with a biglaw wife, your response would be completely different. I’ve never heard the phrase “grow up” from someone mature.

What's your solution, Mature One?

Her DH makes 183k and she goes back to school while they pay for preschool?

Or they sell their house and move somewhere cheaper?

They are not making it in Bethesda on 183k .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

If OP was a man with a biglaw wife, your response would be completely different. I’ve never heard the phrase “grow up” from someone mature.

What's your solution, Mature One?

Her DH makes 183k and she goes back to school while they pay for preschool?

Or they sell their house and move somewhere cheaper?

They are not making it in Bethesda on 183k .

He waits until the little one goes to K in two years, and mom goes back as a FT public school teacher. Two years is plenty of time for them to line up their ducks. He shouldn’t be stuck in biglaw until he drops dead because “that was the plan” or whatever BS you said upthread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

If OP was a man with a biglaw wife, your response would be completely different. I’ve never heard the phrase “grow up” from someone mature.

What's your solution, Mature One?

Her DH makes 183k and she goes back to school while they pay for preschool?

Or they sell their house and move somewhere cheaper?

They are not making it in Bethesda on 183k .

And yes they should leave Bethesda for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you already know exactly how much you spend vs. save per year?

I don’t. I’m sure he does- he does all the money management. I know he saves a ton (like more than 1/3 of his salary). But to be honest we don’t track our spending. We’ve never had any sort of budget because we haven’t had to. But neither of us are big spenders so we’ve always lived way under our means.

And this is why I think YNAB is great for people and families at all income levels.

You may not need a budget for cutting expenses on a 7-figure income but if you'd been using YNAB this whole time you'd have an accurate picture of all your income and expenses over the past X years. Then you could have a clear picture of what you'd need to cut, what you could keep, etc at a new salary.

Budgets are great, people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

If OP was a man with a biglaw wife, your response would be completely different. I’ve never heard the phrase “grow up” from someone mature.

What's your solution, Mature One?

Her DH makes 183k and she goes back to school while they pay for preschool?

Or they sell their house and move somewhere cheaper?

They are not making it in Bethesda on 183k .

He waits until the little one goes to K in two years, and mom goes back as a FT public school teacher. Two years is plenty of time for them to line up their ducks. He shouldn’t be stuck in biglaw until he drops dead because “that was the plan” or whatever BS you said upthread.

And in 2 years, they will be comfortable enough for OP to not have to work if that is what they want.

You created permanency so you could blab about servitude and dropping dead. You are very dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

Her husband is allowed to leave big law. You can have a plan for yourself and that plan can change. That's life. OP can step up and get a job - perhaps work at a preschool while her youngest is still in preschool and they can save her salary. And OP will be back in the job market. My best friend's husband was on track to be a big law partner in NYC, but he was miserable with hours. He became an assistant DA and his salary was cut. They had to move and that was really hard, but she had a career in corporate philanthropy and seven years later she's an executive director in corporate philanthropy at an investment bank (she was a manger when he left his job). They had one kid and not three, but she dug in and made it work (not without some initial resentment, but when her husband lost 40 pounds and was able to spend time with her daughter that was meaningful to her too). OP needs to keep an open mind and step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

If OP was a man with a biglaw wife, your response would be completely different. I’ve never heard the phrase “grow up” from someone mature.

What's your solution, Mature One?

Her DH makes 183k and she goes back to school while they pay for preschool?

Or they sell their house and move somewhere cheaper?

They are not making it in Bethesda on 183k .

This. He can take a pay cut but it’s going to require a complete restructuring of their life with the assumption he will never go back, because that’s what’s most likely. And that will likely mean giving up other things he wants, like working a prestigious post at Main Justice. Choices have consequences.

If I were his wife I’d be freaking out because he seems to be indulging in a complete fantasy about how this will play out. The plan to spend down their savings to avoid the reality of how this move doesn’t fit with their current burn rate is alarming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

Her husband is allowed to leave big law. You can have a plan for yourself and that plan can change. That's life. OP can step up and get a job - perhaps work at a preschool while her youngest is still in preschool and they can save her salary. And OP will be back in the job market. My best friend's husband was on track to be a big law partner in NYC, but he was miserable with hours. He became an assistant DA and his salary was cut. They had to move and that was really hard, but she had a career in corporate philanthropy and seven years later she's an executive director in corporate philanthropy at an investment bank (she was a manger when he left his job). They had one kid and not three, but she dug in and made it work (not without some initial resentment, but when her husband lost 40 pounds and was able to spend time with her daughter that was meaningful to her too). OP needs to keep an open mind and step up.

While she’s opening her mind they both need to open their eyes. Like your friend, this will likely require a move. This isn’t a “tighten belt, cut back on takeout” shift or an “OP picks up a couple weekend shifts in retail” shift. It’s a “move to Missouri” level structural change.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids? Asking because what you spend on them can rise very quickly. We spend about 6k on our 9 yo's club sport. This was completely unexpected but they found something they like and are good at. And $190/week out of pocket on a therapist. Also unexpected but the pandemic did bring out some mental health issues. We were barely spending anything on her before this so it's been an adjustment! And your kids will absolutely want/expect to do camps when they're older. Are they really going to be happy staying home with you all day all summer on upper elementary and middle school? Probably not. Expect to spend a lot more on your kids than you think you will. One fed salary is not going to go very far for three kids. Also you're in Bethesda where the norm is tons of pricey extracurriculars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So these husbands are indentured servants? Make X minimum salary forever or else? Or else what?

I mean that is called being a man. You decide how to structure your life. If the idea was that biglaw could go away any second you would keep spouse working and save like crazy. If you go the route that OP's family did here -- it is on the spouse in biglaw --- one thing if he was fired or could not bring in enough work but otherwise you do not get to leave. You made the choice --- if you watch what you do -- no reason you cannot make the move at age 50ish. But have that as your plan. You gave up on the other job when you went this route.

No. It’s called people can change their minds and they adjust accordingly. It’s not some sort of permanent servitude so you never have to work. I feel sorry for your husband.

DP.

Oh please. Grow up.

As is the case in every other aspect of life, there are consequences and processes involved in changing your mind. That's life. He needs to suck it up for a little longer.

OP was working at home, catering to this man's every need.

If OP was a man with a biglaw wife, your response would be completely different. I’ve never heard the phrase “grow up” from someone mature.

What's your solution, Mature One?

Her DH makes 183k and she goes back to school while they pay for preschool?

Or they sell their house and move somewhere cheaper?

They are not making it in Bethesda on 183k .

This. He can take a pay cut but it’s going to require a complete restructuring of their life with the assumption he will never go back, because that’s what’s most likely. And that will likely mean giving up other things he wants, like working a prestigious post at Main Justice. Choices have consequences.

If I were his wife I’d be freaking out because he seems to be indulging in a complete fantasy about how this will play out. The plan to spend down their savings to avoid the reality of how this move doesn’t fit with their current burn rate is alarming.

This is the risk a woman takes when she puts all of her financial eggs in her husband's basket. I'm sure her husband understands exactly what needs to happen for this to work financially, but he's just knows his wife is going to freak out about the end of the gravy train.