If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all doormats who married weak men. We've been married for 20+ years and we don't cheat. My H knows that 1) I'll kick him out and divorce him or 2) I'll get twice as many lovers. And he also knows that I mean it. So much mental gymnastics. And the therapist talking about the grey area. Really? Of course they encourage working on the relationship, it's not fair that only the divorce lawyers get all the gravy. Look at stats about therapists' own relationship success and you'll see how great they are. In life, there are things that must be black and white. It's your choice that you don't think your H's integrity to you is important and worth that black and white determination. He obviously knows that, hence why he has no respect for you. You'll find excuses for the nth mistress. Grow some bone.

Ha. This is a woman who does not know her husband bangs someone else occasionally. My neighbor was just as vocal this way…and guess what ?

My boss was like that too. Her husband left her for the admin. She never saw it coming.

You're both bitter witches. There are plenty of healthy marriages out there., no everyone is f*ed up like you. Instead of being jealous on people with good marriages, just concentrate your efforts on getting out of your toxic one. Sorry your man is trash, mine isn't. Do better raising your sons so they won't be like their dads.

Umm you're the bitter one sweetheart. Or at least the angry one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all doormats who married weak men. We've been married for 20+ years and we don't cheat. My H knows that 1) I'll kick him out and divorce him or 2) I'll get twice as many lovers. And he also knows that I mean it. So much mental gymnastics. And the therapist talking about the grey area. Really? Of course they encourage working on the relationship, it's not fair that only the divorce lawyers get all the gravy. Look at stats about therapists' own relationship success and you'll see how great they are. In life, there are things that must be black and white. It's your choice that you don't think your H's integrity to you is important and worth that black and white determination. He obviously knows that, hence why he has no respect for you. You'll find excuses for the nth mistress. Grow some bone.

Ha. This is a woman who does not know her husband bangs someone else occasionally. My neighbor was just as vocal this way…and guess what ?

My boss was like that too. Her husband left her for the admin. She never saw it coming.

Pride goeth before the fall. I was arrogantly telling a therapist friend that I didn't understand why couples needed marital therapy because you should just communicate what's in your head. The next day I found out my husband was having an affair.

I was one of those posters saying my husband would never cheat. And, also he had zero opportunity. Never traveled for work, was home after work, every weekend we were together, he never did guys only nights, he didn’t golf, etc, etc. We really always got along great, good sex, etc.

I also was TOTALLY blind sided. I now feel like an idiot I was all high and mighty that my husband wasn’t the kind (and I was hot and successful, very fit).

I now see all people very differently. I’m 52 and just in the last few years I’ve started seeing more “facades” and more “good people” getting caught doing things I never would have suspected and “solid marriages” starting to crumble. It’s crazy.

Wow, so when did he do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all doormats who married weak men. We've been married for 20+ years and we don't cheat. My H knows that 1) I'll kick him out and divorce him or 2) I'll get twice as many lovers. And he also knows that I mean it. So much mental gymnastics. And the therapist talking about the grey area. Really? Of course they encourage working on the relationship, it's not fair that only the divorce lawyers get all the gravy. Look at stats about therapists' own relationship success and you'll see how great they are. In life, there are things that must be black and white. It's your choice that you don't think your H's integrity to you is important and worth that black and white determination. He obviously knows that, hence why he has no respect for you. You'll find excuses for the nth mistress. Grow some bone.

Ha. This is a woman who does not know her husband bangs someone else occasionally. My neighbor was just as vocal this way…and guess what ?

My boss was like that too. Her husband left her for the admin. She never saw it coming.

Pride goeth before the fall. I was arrogantly telling a therapist friend that I didn't understand why couples needed marital therapy because you should just communicate what's in your head. The next day I found out my husband was having an affair.

Did you divorce?

Nope. I'm comment 05/23/2022 10:26

I was naive when I thought anyone could be invulnerable to wanting to cheat. I mean, it was nice being naive, but it was unrealistic.

We certainly could have divorced. It just seemed logical to try to save the marriage first with young kids. I assessed our chances of coming out happy and healthy together to be fairly high, and I turned out to be right, but there are no guarantees in anything in life, just our best efforts and intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all doormats who married weak men. We've been married for 20+ years and we don't cheat. My H knows that 1) I'll kick him out and divorce him or 2) I'll get twice as many lovers. And he also knows that I mean it. So much mental gymnastics. And the therapist talking about the grey area. Really? Of course they encourage working on the relationship, it's not fair that only the divorce lawyers get all the gravy. Look at stats about therapists' own relationship success and you'll see how great they are. In life, there are things that must be black and white. It's your choice that you don't think your H's integrity to you is important and worth that black and white determination. He obviously knows that, hence why he has no respect for you. You'll find excuses for the nth mistress. Grow some bone.

Ha. This is a woman who does not know her husband bangs someone else occasionally. My neighbor was just as vocal this way…and guess what ?

My boss was like that too. Her husband left her for the admin. She never saw it coming.

Pride goeth before the fall. I was arrogantly telling a therapist friend that I didn't understand why couples needed marital therapy because you should just communicate what's in your head. The next day I found out my husband was having an affair.

Did you divorce?

Nope. I'm comment 05/23/2022 10:26

I was naive when I thought anyone could be invulnerable to wanting to cheat. I mean, it was nice being naive, but it was unrealistic.

We certainly could have divorced. It just seemed logical to try to save the marriage first with young kids. I assessed our chances of coming out happy and healthy together to be fairly high, and I turned out to be right, but there are no guarantees in anything in life, just our best efforts and intentions.

You sound very wise and he's so lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got a front room seat ot parents going through this when I was a child. My mom told me everything and it messed my sister and I up pretty well. If you don't plan on forgiving and forgetting please leave. Also don't drag the kids into it at all possible. My husband's parents had a clean break post infidelity and my husband and his sisters fared much better.

The same thing happened to me. My Dad cheated and my Mom chose to stay. She was embarrassed to confide in any of her girlfriends because she wanted everyone to think that she had the perfect, so I was the one who got to listen to all of her stories about my Dad, the intimate details of the cheating, their bedroom issues and how horrible her life was. I was 10 years old and it had a lasting impact on my life. I wish they had divorced and lived their own separate life. I will never understand why they did not divorce. They can't stand each other to this day and they are in their late 70's.

Good God, your mother has something wrong with her.... 10 years old???
A ten year old should barely know about sex, and they certainly shouldn't know about the inner workings of her parents marriage, sex life, affairs, etc.

Child psychologists have said that what your mother inflicted onto you is tantamount to child abuse... psychological child abuse.

An adult should never, EVER involve their children in adult situations... she should be ashamed of herself.
She was more concerned with what her friends thought & impressing them with a fake life, rather than the trauma that she was inflicting onto her child, by displaying such an unhealthy relationship for her to mimic through life... ugh.
That's sick.

It's called enmeshment, when a parent uses a child for 'adult' or 'peer' support. Ditto cheaters and AP in limerence. There's some excellent emerging information about the science and psychology of brains and at what point(s) children can differentiate themselves from their caregivers, especially from their primary caregivers. Imagine excavating a foundation of a large building and finding pieces of the foundation missing in random places, and random trash that got tossed in while the work was progressing, and then over time, maybe the building floods or mice move in, or someone seals up a door to rearrange the spaces. The puppy analogy can be expanded because dogs can't apologize with words or actions, and nor can they write a letter about what happened to them before they were sold or rescued, etc. Biology, environment, traumatic events all factor into coping and resiliency for everyone involved as time marches forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't compare it to a parent-child relationship. Perhaps you could compare it to betrayal of a best friend or business partner (which is pretty close to marriage if you think about how tied together your futures are), but with the added romantic love component that isn't really comparable to other types of relationships.

As for how to move on, realize we're all fallible humans who make mistakes, and some of us learn from them. Empathy, ironically enough, is what one would need, but also wisdom not to forgive someone who isn't actually learning, changing and growing.

That's the theory anyway. I have no idea if I'd be able to do it, but I'd probably give it an old college try.

+1 The wisdom is the hardest part; you have empathy for the cheater, but you don't and can't know what the future holds and everyone disagrees and has really strong opinions about what is right or best. Does anyone marry someone else in hopes of being betrayed by that person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all doormats who married weak men. We've been married for 20+ years and we don't cheat. My H knows that 1) I'll kick him out and divorce him or 2) I'll get twice as many lovers. And he also knows that I mean it. So much mental gymnastics. And the therapist talking about the grey area. Really? Of course they encourage working on the relationship, it's not fair that only the divorce lawyers get all the gravy. Look at stats about therapists' own relationship success and you'll see how great they are. In life, there are things that must be black and white. It's your choice that you don't think your H's integrity to you is important and worth that black and white determination. He obviously knows that, hence why he has no respect for you. You'll find excuses for the nth mistress. Grow some bone.

Ha. This is a woman who does not know her husband bangs someone else occasionally. My neighbor was just as vocal this way…and guess what ?

My boss was like that too. Her husband left her for the admin. She never saw it coming.

Pride goeth before the fall. I was arrogantly telling a therapist friend that I didn't understand why couples needed marital therapy because you should just communicate what's in your head. The next day I found out my husband was having an affair.

I was one of those posters saying my husband would never cheat. And, also he had zero opportunity. Never traveled for work, was home after work, every weekend we were together, he never did guys only nights, he didn’t golf, etc, etc. We really always got along great, good sex, etc.

I also was TOTALLY blind sided. I now feel like an idiot I was all high and mighty that my husband wasn’t the kind (and I was hot and successful, very fit).

I now see all people very differently. I’m 52 and just in the last few years I’ve started seeing more “facades” and more “good people” getting caught doing things I never would have suspected and “solid marriages” starting to crumble. It’s crazy.

This was me too. Just a total blindsiding. It was/is awful, and the most painful and traumatizing thing I have ever experienced.

To answer the OP, I would have found a way to forgive to keep my young family intact (and there were SO many good things about our marriage) but wasn't given the option. That said, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I deserve way better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

Many people believe that the marriage had something to do with the cheating. Yes, there are some men and women who will cheat no matter what and have no morals. But there are others who are absolutely cheating in response to a bad marriage and underlying problems. I know it’s hard to acknowledge this, but it’s the truth.

No means no.

No you may not cheat on me.

No I am not going to stay married to you.

No it is not ok to lie to me.

No it is not ok for me to lie to you.

It's hard for cheaters to acknowledge that they use the people around them to justify their secrets and one-sided rationalizations. The cheaters learned their methods of coping and surviving by covert betrayal of others long before they got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're all doormats who married weak men. We've been married for 20+ years and we don't cheat. My H knows that 1) I'll kick him out and divorce him or 2) I'll get twice as many lovers. And he also knows that I mean it. So much mental gymnastics. And the therapist talking about the grey area. Really? Of course they encourage working on the relationship, it's not fair that only the divorce lawyers get all the gravy. Look at stats about therapists' own relationship success and you'll see how great they are. In life, there are things that must be black and white. It's your choice that you don't think your H's integrity to you is important and worth that black and white determination. He obviously knows that, hence why he has no respect for you. You'll find excuses for the nth mistress. Grow some bone.

Ha. This is a woman who does not know her husband bangs someone else occasionally. My neighbor was just as vocal this way…and guess what ?

My boss was like that too. Her husband left her for the admin. She never saw it coming.

You're both bitter witches. There are plenty of healthy marriages out there., no everyone is f*ed up like you. Instead of being jealous on people with good marriages, just concentrate your efforts on getting out of your toxic one. Sorry your man is trash, mine isn't. Do better raising your sons so they won't be like their dads.

Wow. The lady doth protest too much.

I am not so sure.

Anyone else notice the group of super-biter, angry divorced women here on DCUM, who live to trash men and encourage women to divorce?

It is frankly bizarre.

Ha maybe they are bitter and angry because they have been treated like shit?

I actually do encourage a lot of women on this board to get divorced, not because I’m divorced but because I’m married to a great man and I believe they could do better than these distraught men they are married to. Or they’d be happier single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

I assume this means any and all trust, right? Or does only sex count in your mind? There are plenty of ways to let down your spouse and lose trust. Perhaps your spouse experiences job loss and you no longer trust them to contribute to finances. Maybe your spouse isn’t a good parent. Maybe your spouse doesn’t handle the in-laws well. I could go on…. Just seems strange to only focus on sex and fidelity as requiring trust.

Do you have sex with your in-laws, or with your spouse's money? Who, in addition to your spouse, do you have sex with? Sex and kids are the most unique signifiers of the type of relationship that is being discussed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

I assume this means any and all trust, right? Or does only sex count in your mind? There are plenty of ways to let down your spouse and lose trust. Perhaps your spouse experiences job loss and you no longer trust them to contribute to finances. Maybe your spouse isn’t a good parent. Maybe your spouse doesn’t handle the in-laws well. I could go on…. Just seems strange to only focus on sex and fidelity as requiring trust.

Do you have sex with your in-laws, or with your spouse's money? Who, in addition to your spouse, do you have sex with? Sex and kids are the most unique signifiers of the type of relationship that is being discussed.

There’s way more to my marriage than just sex and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

Many people believe that the marriage had something to do with the cheating. Yes, there are some men and women who will cheat no matter what and have no morals. But there are others who are absolutely cheating in response to a bad marriage and underlying problems. I know it’s hard to acknowledge this, but it’s the truth.

No means no.

No you may not cheat on me.

No I am not going to stay married to you.

No it is not ok to lie to me.

No it is not ok for me to lie to you.

It's hard for cheaters to acknowledge that they use the people around them to justify their secrets and one-sided rationalizations. The cheaters learned their methods of coping and surviving by covert betrayal of others long before they got married.

Yep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe forgiveness is something you practice, something you choose. It's not something you feel or is "one and done."

I focus on gratitude for everything we have and have overcome. I focus on humility and having compassion for DH's humanity. I remember that infidelity is sadly a very common response to life's stresses by people who haven't developed the right coping skills yet.

I choose not to live in bitterness, for my sake as much as anyone else's. I say thanks for the chance to remain together and experience so much joy in our marriage and family. I acknowledge my spouse's continuing efforts to better himself and be a healthy and whole person.

Maybe it's a mindset more than anything. It's certainly not just saying, "I forgive you" and feeling some kind of weight lifted magically. It doesn't work that way. It takes tilting your heart towards joy and love and peace on a daily basis.

Humanity? Humanity is shown by helping another in need, by sacrificing. Sticking his D in someone one, wow, so profoundly human. Better himself? Fidelity in marriage is not like a training course. You picked a loser. Why don't you admit that you are staying because you don't want to downsize your life, change your kids' school, have to deal with the neighbors' gossip. This would be sincere and a sign of humanity. Not that verbal garbage above.

If you have never been in this position you can zip it, because you can talk all the game you want but have zero idea what you would actually do.

I know myself, I have self esteem, my own money and career and I respect myself, so I'd know what to do.

Oh I proclaimed the same and I make a lot of $$ and I’m have a ton of self esteem. The pp is correct. Reality is a very different thing entirely.

No you don't. Nobody with self respect wants to be with someone who thinks they are not enough and lacking. And if you are still in love with someone who is mentally abusive to you and is not honest and doesn't care about your feelings, you need therapy. You are better than a discarded old rag.

No, she isn’t better. She’s the one with the DH who went to Ashley Madison for years, and PP deals by raging against that woman, and blaming her MIL for staying while DH’s dad cheated. She truly deserved it and will never rest easy in her marriage, but won’t leave because she knows she’s being mocked in her social circle, and that it would only get worse if more people knew what she accepted despite her wannabe tough front. She goes ape every 2 months or so on this site.

[Anonymous]

Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

I hope you’re doing well. I am you but only found out last year. I am no longer a zombie but I am broken. I decided a few weeks ago to stay and try but i go back and forth. Reading your post makes me feel some hope. Good luck to you.