Another MIL post--how to tell her to be less bitchy to BIL/SIL than she is to us

[Anonymous]

My MIL is generous and loving with our children and is always willing to help out when we need her. Unfortunately, I think she has some bitterness about the way her own life has turned out, and that sometimes translates into her making negative comments that come out bitchier than I think she intends. She is particularly critical about our childcare choices and how we feed our kids, and she acts as if she was a perfect parent and made all the right choices. This is blatantly not true, but if it makes her feel better to think it is, that's fine with me. DH and I are pretty secure in our choices and not big on drama, so we usually just smile and change the subject and vent about it privately later.

DH's brother is several years younger than we are and is married to a woman in her mid-20s. SIL is great but she tends to be a bit touchy and often perceives slights where none are intended. She also nurses REALLY long grudges. DH's brother is kind of the same way. He's not scary or violent or anything, he just tends to get defensive, and he is very protective of his wife. They are a little exhausting but they're family and we love them.

Now SIL is pregnant, and apparently MIL has already started making judgments that rub her the wrong way. For example, SIL's registry included pacifiers, and MIL made some choice comments about "putting a plastic PLUG in MY grandson's mouth." I would have rolled my eyes and laughed it off but SIL is more sensitive. I can tell already that BIL/SIL's parenting is going to be a lot different from what MIL thinks is best, and if MIL doesn't start thinking a little harder about what comes out of her mouth, especially in the hormonal first days after the birth, I can guarantee there's going to be a battle royale.

DH is very close with his mom and brother/SIL and really wants things to go well. He has talked to his brother about it but he also wants to talk to his mom before the birth. This was his idea and he's going to do it, but he needs some "coaching" to communicate this in a way that is both clear and diplomatic. What's the right way to say this? MIL is super sensitive too, of course. Should I just discourage him from saying anything at all and just let the chips fall where they may?

[Anonymous]

I appreciate what you want to do here, OP, but not sure you can win. Two thoughts:

It should be the sons that speak to their mom, not you.
Perhaps you could speak to your SIL about GENERALLY expecting judgemental comments from people about child rearing and letting it roll off her back.

Wouldn't want anything to get back to MIL about what you said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate what you want to do here, OP, but not sure you can win. Two thoughts:

It should be the sons that speak to their mom, not you.
Perhaps you could speak to your SIL about GENERALLY expecting judgemental comments from people about child rearing and letting it roll off her back.

Wouldn't want anything to get back to MIL about what you said.

OP here. I totally agree. DH has already talked to his brother and he is the one who will talk to his mom. I do like your suggestion of warning my SIL in general about letting stuff roll off her back. She's just SO touchy!

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it. Your MIL is going to reap what she sows, which is extremely limited contact with the new grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB

OP here. Would you mind elaborating on why you think this is the best option? I don't disagree necessarily, but I do understand why DH doesn't feel out of place speaking up to his mom about this. MIL raised BIL and DH as a single mom, and they are all pretty involved in each other's lives, usually in a positive way. DH is not the type to meddle and wouldn't have even brought this up if he didn't feel strongly about it, but he's also not that great of a communicator (like a lot of men I know) and I think he's looking to me to help him figure out how to have this conversation. But I can't decide if there's a way to even do it without making things worse. It's just like watching a train wreck about to happen and it's hard to watch without trying to intercede.

[Anonymous]

You have found a way to deal with MIL. This may or may not work for SIL. You can try talking to MIL, but be prepared for some bumpy times ahead for the two. MIL may be one who sees the consequences of her actions and what that means for her relationship with SIL and BIL. Or, she might not.

You can only do so much. Not sure it's fair of you to ask SIL to be as thick-skinned, when even you admit that MIL is out of line many times.

[Anonymous]

OP, it SEEMS you have good intentions, but really, stay out of it. You have a good read on MIL, and SIL will too - I would bet she knows MIL already.

What MILs don't realize is how transparent they are when they are nasty. Limit contact if she becomes that way toward you. She sounds very bitter.

My friends MIL really has it for her. Her MIL will make anything up to have a story for her bridge club. It is always inaccurate, outrageous and kind of sad. Even the old biddies know she is sour and the DIL wants nothing to do with her! Point is, karma works in mysterious ways. I am CERTAIN that people see through my friends awful MIL, and I am certain others see through your SIL's MIL's nastiness.

Have you ever seen a nasty person believe that they (GASP!) are the problem? Probably not. If MIL becomes nasty toward you, limit contact. In the meantime, let MIL deal with her own demons, they are not your problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really have to agree with the MYOB comment., especially with respect to your MIL. My MIL has a great relationship with me and a not-so-great relationship with my SIL. If your DH wants to say something on behalf of his brother and SIL, let him, but I would strongly recommend you staying out of things (and not even be present if your DH says something). I know you want the best for your SIL, but what if what you say offends your MIL? The result is that you won't have helped your SIL at all, and you will have jeopardized your own relationship with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really have to agree with the MYOB comment., especially with respect to your MIL. My MIL has a great relationship with me and a not-so-great relationship with my SIL. If your DH wants to say something on behalf of his brother and SIL, let him, but I would strongly recommend you staying out of things (and not even be present if your DH says something). I know you want the best for your SIL, but what if what you say offends your MIL? The result is that you won't have helped your SIL at all, and you will have jeopardized your own relationship with your MIL.

I would have to agree with this and would not risk getting involved. What you can do is be a sounding board for your SIL and let her know that when MIL says things to piss her off, she can call you to vent instead of creating a war with MIL. Utimately, I think that your BIL has to be the one to stand up to his mother on behalf of his family. My mother was very judgemental about the choices that my brother and SIL made and I just found it best to stay out of it, listen and nod to both sides and act as neutral as possible.

[Anonymous]

I'm voting MYOB, too. I completely understand you want peace in the family, but this may be something that's beyond your ability to manage or achieve.

You and your DH have an effective way of dealing with MIL. Stick with that. If your DH wants to advise his brother, that might be a good course of action. Other than that, my best advice for you, based on your description of your SIL, is to stay neutral.

Hope everything works out for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

I think PPs are right that you should stay out of it. Just be as supportive as you can of your SIL because you know she will not handle things with MIL well. Be nice, check in with her and stay positive. Good luck. Your heart is in the right place, you are not trying to meddle to be a busybody, but often, people take these things the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback. To be clear, I would never get involved personally, or even be in the room for the discussion. This was my DH's idea and he's the one who would do it. I'm just trying to help him do it in a way that is as effective as possible, if he's going to do it. He really is very close with his mom and brother and this topic is not the type of thing that would be off-limits between them. BUt if there's no chance to do it in a constructive way, then there's no point in even trying.

[Anonymous]

OP, kudos to DH for trying to do the right thing. This says a lot about his family and how he was raised. You are a very lucky woman.

SIL sounds like she is being picked on, is MIL a bully? I have seen PLENTY of wolves in little old lady sheep clothing! You are also doing the right thing by being concerned, you sound like a pleasant, decent, even-keeled person (in that you are not threatened by SIL - not that you should be, but you would be surprised at how some grown women act!). SIL is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, kudos to DH for trying to do the right thing. This says a lot about his family and how he was raised. You are a very lucky woman.

SIL sounds like she is being picked on, is MIL a bully? I have seen PLENTY of wolves in little old lady sheep clothing! You are also doing the right thing by being concerned, you sound like a pleasant, decent, even-keeled person (in that you are not threatened by SIL - not that you should be, but you would be surprised at how some grown women act!). SIL is lucky to have you.

OP here. Wow thanks, that was really nice. I don't actually think SIL is being picked on at all. She and BIL are just a little bit of the world-is-out-to-get-them mentality, although on the whole they are good people. It's just a bad combination with my MIL, who is also a good person but just snarky sometimes, and has no idea how truly bitchy she comes off. She's always been this way to an extent, but once we had a kid the floodgates really opened. I do think it's a good idea for me to talk to SIL and make sure she realizes that I feel just as judged as she does. On the surface our parenting choices are probably more in line with MIL's preferences than SIL's will be, but even if we did everything her way MIL would find a way to judge b/c she is dissatisfied with her own life. Thanks for the good food for thought.