Reward and consequences for teenagers

[Anonymous]

My oldest is 13. He is not expected to do much at home. His responsibility is to study, keep his room clean and practice for activities he particicpates. He does not get any allowances. We provide him what he wants based on our discretion. He does not always get what he wants. Sometimes we attach rewards for success, like all "As" etc. However, we have hard time deciding consequences for issues, since he does not get any allowance, he does not get to watch much TV and he does not possess many things. Do you have similar situation? Are we hard as parents?

Please sueggest changes.

[Anonymous]

Have some issues come up recently that are making you ask this question? Not sure how to answer you at this point. I need more context.

Generally speaking, some children might be okay with your system, others might not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have some issues come up recently that are making you ask this question? Not sure how to answer you at this point. I need more context.

Generally speaking, some children might be okay with your system, others might not.

We are having some "talking back" issues and was wondering what kind of consequences will be appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Talking back is normal as your 13 year old realizes that he is P

[Anonymous]

My kids get allowance and I wouldn't take it away as a consequence or punishment because I am trying to teach them about budgeting and money management. As for talking bavk, when my 13 year old does, I ask him to leave the room until he is ready to speak to me in a respectful manner. No punishment, just remove yourself until you are ready.

[Anonymous]

I state how it makes me feel when DD talks back and disengage. I don't think punishment will necessarily have the desired effect- I think the former is much more powerful.

[Anonymous]

I think that since he does not have any responsibilities except the ones you have stated that when he does not act accordingly, make him rake the leaves, or clean up after dinner, or something that is outside his norm.

Asking him to leave the room, just states that you do not want to deal or properly punish your kid.

[Anonymous]

I think that the punishment should relate to the offense. How does raking leaves relate to talking back? It sounds like you're just looking for an excuse not to have to rake them and to get DS to do them. If I were DS that would just get me more angry. In our house if DS talks back that's disrespectful so he doesn't get to do special things he wants to do. He also gets to think about how to treat us with respect. We don't talk to him that way we expect the same in return. Don't ask for permission to go anywhere special this weekend. The answer will be no. Don't ask me for any favors if you're going to talk to me that way. Next time you'll think twice. It works for us. Positive reinforcement. No rakes involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that the punishment should relate to the offense. How does raking leaves relate to talking back? It sounds like you're just looking for an excuse not to have to rake them and to get DS to do them. If I were DS that would just get me more angry. In our house if DS talks back that's disrespectful so he doesn't get to do special things he wants to do. He also gets to think about how to treat us with respect. We don't talk to him that way we expect the same in return. Don't ask for permission to go anywhere special this weekend. The answer will be no. Don't ask me for any favors if you're going to talk to me that way. Next time you'll think twice. It works for us. Positive reinforcement. No rakes involved.

Perfect answer. I would agree with this.

[Anonymous]

13 and no responsibilities except to take care of himself? I think it is a mistake. Treat him like a guest, and he will act like one.

Mine's 11 and does laundry, helps with cleaning and yard work. No set chores, but an obligation to do what I ask with a reasonable horizon.

Raking leaves is a silly punishment because he should be raking leaves anyway. Don't treat normal home maintenance as a punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 and no responsibilities except to take care of himself? I think it is a mistake. Treat him like a guest, and he will act like one.

Mine's 11 and does laundry, helps with cleaning and yard work. No set chores, but an obligation to do what I ask with a reasonable horizon.

Raking leaves is a silly punishment because he should be raking leaves anyway. Don't treat normal home maintenance as a punishment.

I do not agree. I did not have children to put them to work and perform manual labor. You do not have to treat your 13 year old like guest, but we should still be treating them like children because that is what they are.

[Anonymous]

PP here who is more of a disengager than a punisher when DD talks back (I punish over plenty of things, but not that so much- and FWIW, I do think it works - she really doesn't talk back)

I agree with the idea that 22:40 expressed about more chores- DD has quite a bit of responsibility - all her laundry, bathroom, trash and the school stuff. Maybe its time to layer in some stuff for DS? Learning how to do laundry / clean, can only help them as adults I think.

[Anonymous]

Chores are quite helpful actually if you want your child to take responsibility for their actions and eventually have a job and maintain their own household. Obviously the chores should be age appropriate but my 4 year old help sets the table, puts away her laundry and occasionally helps out with the yard when we are weeding and planting (she loves digging in the garden!).

[Anonymous]

Kids aren't manual labor but I'll be damned if I'm a maid. We ALL work to make the house liveable and get the necessities done, because it benefits all of us.

[Anonymous]

We all labor in this house. It's what keeps things moving. And in a family, everyone pitches in. Period.

It hasn't been an issue yet. No one views it as punishment since we all do it and we each get the task we don't particularly mind doing.

My son, as young as he is, loves taking out the trash. I really should take pics to remind him of how great and adorable he was once he turns into a surly teen.