Reward and consequences for teenagers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I do not agree. I did not have children to put them to work and perform manual labor. You do not have to treat your 13 year old like guest, but we should still be treating them like children because that is what they are.

Well, for starters, no. Your 13-year-old is an adolescent, which means he/she is in transition from childhood to adulthood.

Furthermore, my 3-year old twins (who are, y'know, ACTUAL children) appear to do more chores than OP's teenager. They may only have two official.chores each, but they help set the table, put clothes in the dryer, they help wash plastic dishes, they help with dinner nearly every night, and they each have one item they can cook all the way through withour help (supervision, but not help).

I don't know anyone who had kids "so they could perform manual labor," but I know a hellofalot of parents who want there kids to be functional adults. Laundry, cleaning, dishes, basic house/yard/car upkeep is all part of that, and neglecting to teach your kid the needed skills is a bit silly, considering that they may well be moving out in 5 short years.

[Anonymous]

Oops! "Their." Not "there."

[Anonymous]

Oops! "Their." Not "there."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13 and no responsibilities except to take care of himself? I think it is a mistake. Treat him like a guest, and he will act like one.

Mine's 11 and does laundry, helps with cleaning and yard work. No set chores, but an obligation to do what I ask with a reasonable horizon.

Raking leaves is a silly punishment because he should be raking leaves anyway. Don't treat normal home maintenance as a punishment.

I do not agree. I did not have children to put them to work and perform manual labor. You do not have to treat your 13 year old like guest, but we should still be treating them like children because that is what they are.

Yes, but I, the mom, work a long week and still perform manual labor around the home... I make my bed, I clean some, I take care of the yard, laundry, pets ... what on earth makes a thirteen year old so special, and why would I want to reinforce the belief that he is??

[Anonymous]

We're a family and we work together to keep our house nice. It's not a punishment. We all help set the table and help clear it. We all help put the dishes in the dishwasher and help take them out. We have music on and we make it as much fun as we can. Many hands make light work. It takes almost no time at all. That's how we do everything. IMO helping out isn't supposed to be a punishment, it's just part of being a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I do not agree. I did not have children to put them to work and perform manual labor. You do not have to treat your 13 year old like guest, but we should still be treating them like children because that is what they are.

Well, for starters, no. Your 13-year-old is an adolescent, which means he/she is in transition from childhood to adulthood.

Furthermore, my 3-year old twins (who are, y'know, ACTUAL children) appear to do more chores than OP's teenager. They may only have two official.chores each, but they help set the table, put clothes in the dryer, they help wash plastic dishes, they help with dinner nearly every night, and they each have one item they can cook all the way through withour help (supervision, but not help).

I don't know anyone who had kids "so they could perform manual labor," but I know a hellofalot of parents who want there kids to be functional adults. Laundry, cleaning, dishes, basic house/yard/car upkeep is all part of that, and neglecting to teach your kid the needed skills is a bit silly, considering that they may well be moving out in 5 short years.

Many ACTUAL children like to help around the house. Mine do it willingly with a smile on their face. However, I'm not naive enough to think they'll take pleasure in loading the dishwasher when they're ACTUAL teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I do not agree. I did not have children to put them to work and perform manual labor. You do not have to treat your 13 year old like guest, but we should still be treating them like children because that is what they are.

Well, for starters, no. Your 13-year-old is an adolescent, which means he/she is in transition from childhood to adulthood.

Furthermore, my 3-year old twins (who are, y'know, ACTUAL children) appear to do more chores than OP's teenager. They may only have two official.chores each, but they help set the table, put clothes in the dryer, they help wash plastic dishes, they help with dinner nearly every night, and they each have one item they can cook all the way through withour help (supervision, but not help).

I don't know anyone who had kids "so they could perform manual labor," but I know a hellofalot of parents who want there kids to be functional adults. Laundry, cleaning, dishes, basic house/yard/car upkeep is all part of that, and neglecting to teach your kid the needed skills is a bit silly, considering that they may well be moving out in 5 short years.

Many ACTUAL children like to help around the house. Mine do it willingly with a smile on their face. However, I'm not naive enough to think they'll take pleasure in loading the dishwasher when they're ACTUAL teenagers.

The point is not that your teenager will gllefully join in with the housework. The point is that housework is an important life skill, one your teen needs to learn whether they find it fun or not.

[Anonymous]

Our teens just do it with us with no complaints. By now it's so routine that they don't give it a second thought. They've been helping out around the house since they were 2. Admittedly, they were helping with simple things that got more "grown up" as they got older, but we didn't wait until they were teens and suddenly tell them they had a list of "chores" to do. I think that may be why people have issues when the teen years roll around. Suddenly the rules change and teens get confused and angry. Wouldn't you? The teen years have been pretty easy for us that way. Teens 15 & 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13 and no responsibilities except to take care of himself? I think it is a mistake. Treat him like a guest, and he will act like one.

Mine's 11 and does laundry, helps with cleaning and yard work. No set chores, but an obligation to do what I ask with a reasonable horizon.

Raking leaves is a silly punishment because he should be raking leaves anyway. Don't treat normal home maintenance as a punishment.

I do not agree. I did not have children to put them to work and perform manual labor. You do not have to treat your 13 year old like guest, but we should still be treating them like children because that is what they are.

Why did you have children, then?

I had children to raise them to become responsible adults. I want them to be civic-minded adults capable of working, loving, and living peacefully with others. This will not happen if they do not take on responsibilities commensurate with their ages and capabilities as they grow.

I like this as a rough guide:

http://www.pepparent.org/pubs/resp_by_age.pdf

At what age do you think your 13yo should be responsible for "manual labor"? And what is your rationale for the (older than 13yo) age?

[Anonymous]

My 13 year old stepson does not know how to cut his own meat, work a microwave properly, or do many, MANY simple household tasks. He lives with his mother and grandparents and they cater to him. I worry for him when he goes to college and cannot fend for himself because he was never expected to lift so much as a finger at home. Chores are not for manual labor, they are for teaching your kids how to care for themselves when they no longer live with mommy and daddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 year old stepson does not know how to cut his own meat, work a microwave properly, or do many, MANY simple household tasks. He lives with his mother and grandparents and they cater to him. I worry for him when he goes to college and cannot fend for himself because he was never expected to lift so much as a finger at home. Chores are not for manual labor, they are for teaching your kids how to care for themselves when they no longer live with mommy and daddy.

'

I doubt your stepson will die or drop out of college because he does not know how to cut his own meat or work a microwave. It takes all but 2 minutes to learn both skills. Not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, but would you want to marry or have your daughter marry her 13 year old stepson who never learned to take care of anything? Reminds me of an earlier thread about a 17 year old who refused to do anything around the house and drove the family crazy. And the many threads about husbands who don't pull their weight around the house or expect to be taken care of. (not intentionally picking on boys, it's just that I have boys). If you don't teach your kids to help out and give them the skills to do the chores and to accept their responsibility for helping when they are young, it's going to be a lot more difficult to fulfill that part of preparing your kid when they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 13 year old stepson does not know how to cut his own meat, work a microwave properly, or do many, MANY simple household tasks. He lives with his mother and grandparents and they cater to him. I worry for him when he goes to college and cannot fend for himself because he was never expected to lift so much as a finger at home. Chores are not for manual labor, they are for teaching your kids how to care for themselves when they no longer live with mommy and daddy.

'

I doubt your stepson will die or drop out of college because he does not know how to cut his own meat or work a microwave. It takes all but 2 minutes to learn both skills. Not a big deal.

Right, but do you really think it makes sense for an 18 year old to have to call his mom the first week he's away because he's never turned on a washer before? There's very simple life skills my stepson has not mastered; when he visits us, my husband tries to teach him how to do these things because he sees that he doesn't have a clue. Cutting meat, for one, pumping gas, checking pressure in tires, opening a can of soup and heating it properly, folding clothes- these are things that he needs to know how to do, but has no concept of. It's not doing your kids any favors to let them grow up having no idea that the lint trap needs to be cleaned out of the dryer after each load. It's not manual labor to instruct your teenager in how to run a dishwasher properly.

[Anonymous]

talking back is in my opinion a pick your battles infraction that I would just ignore. Sometimes you can call out the nasty tone of the voice and just point out that saying it nicely wouldn't take any longer and would make everyone happier. but really this is just a teenager/ independence thing.

[Anonymous]

The problem isn't really in teaching a 17 year old how to use a microwave or cut his meat.

The problem is that he has progressed this far without needing these skills, and, as such, may not be particularly interested in learning these things for himself.