Trying to decide about a third child

[Anonymous]

I am torn as to whether to pursue having a third child. We are older parents (41 and 46)--BTW, I had no trouble getting pregnant either time before, so I'm actually not really worried about that issue, but I am concerned that we are old in terms of energy level, something going wrong with the pregnancy, etc. Financially, we're doing fine--e.g., we can afford things like Gymboree and ballet lessons, and don't watch every penny at the grocery store--but are definitely not wealthy and have to carefully watch spending overall. (We drive older, paid-for cars, have no debt except our mortgage, plan to send our kids to public school, rarely go on vacation, etc.) A third child would definitely add to the financial strain.

My husband doesn't want a third child for a variety of reasons, but he's not so opposed to it that he would refuse--basically, he said he doesn't want another, but if I feel extremely strongly about it he will go along and he's sure he'll love him/her just as much as our other two. Nonetheless, that's a big responsibility on my shoulders to make the decision unilaterally.

In a nutshell, I can think of many, many good reasons not to have a third child and no good reasons to have one--except that I might just simply want another, LOL. At the same time, I am very apprehensive about all that it would entail. Any advice or thoughts? For those of you who decided against a third, what were your thoughts? For those of you who went ahead, any thoughts? Given our ages, we really need to decide very soon...

[Anonymous]

There are a couple of things I do better than almost anyone else. Parenting is not one of them. I need to devote all the energy and patience I have to being a better parent for the two children I already have.

Good luck with your decision.

[Anonymous]

Hmm was thinking about the same stuff as I was rocking dd to bed. For me, I am about to have number two and will be 40 at that delivery and am mulling over having a third. For us-financially it will be no problem and like you, I have no trouble conceiving so the issue would be. What would it be like to have three kids under 4?? Can you still have special time with so many little little people and is it possible to have time for yourself as well?? My husband is fine if we are done and fine if we go for more--I think it's probably better to stop at two but something tells me that I am just not done and I don't know why??? Is it because I just love the little people phase?? Maybe it's that I grew up in a big family and we just love each other to pieces and FYI--I have no idea how mom did it and she managed to get a grad degree while raising us as well as helping dad in our family business!! If I were five years younger it would be a no brainer, I would definitely go for a third because I could give myself a little more time before going through anothe pregnancy but the clock is really ticking and I feel like either I go for a third in the year after this one or I am done. I am sorry if I haven't been helpful but wanted you to know that you are not the only one thinking about this topic tonight

[Anonymous]

I can't tell you what to do, but I did have 3 under 4 as an over-40 mom. Going from 1 to 2 is a HUGE step. Going from 2 to 3 is not; you're just adding to the chaos. So don't worry about that part of it.

[Anonymous]

I think it's more likely to regret not having another child, and quite unlikely to regret having one. Once you have a new baby, you love him/her and can't imagine life without your new angel.

[Anonymous]

I am young and I have two kids. What I am wondering about is: why exactly would you want 3 kids? I hear you giving us reasons why it may not be a problem theoretically, but I do not see a driving factor to have another one.

I have one of each and I feel like we are done. In some very rare moments I find myself longing for another baby, another birth experience, but then I quickly remember how hard it is to do anything with a small child and a newborn. So that's how I know I am pretty much done.

I also do not feel equipped to give three ittle ones enough attention to justify my decision.

So ask yourself why you think you would like another child. Is it the birth, the newborn stage, is it that you feel like your family is not complete? Or is it the fact that once you decide for good that you are done, there will be no turning back?

[Anonymous]

I'm your age, in a similar position in many ways. I want one more child. That's all I can say. It comes from my heart. Nothing is particularly logical about it!

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids under 4 and I have to disagree with the PP that said it was no big change. Having 2 was no big deal for us but adding the third has sent our home into madness (in a good way!). I am thrilled that we decided to go for the third but having three so young is exhausting. It is almost impossible to stay on top of the mess and it becomes really hard to take care of all three by yourself. I'm sure it will get easier when they all get a little bit older and watching them interact is really a joy.

I say go for it if you want three but make sure you line up help when you can. Good luck with the decision!

[Anonymous]

I posted your same post a few months ago -- was on the fence and got a lot of good responses that made me think hard. Most provocative one was someone who said she realized that deciding you were "done" having kids was like a ticket into middle age (she was more eloquent but that was the gist) and I realized she was tapping into something I was feeling but did not realize I was feeling and that I needed to reconsider if I really wanted the third child or just to avoid that feeling she referred to.

I am now 90% sure am not going to try for 3. The reasons -- in addition to above -- are:

(1) Energy: the two I have leave me pretty tired. I worry about what I would have left to give to them and a third. I am just starting to emerge from the baby exhaustion phase and it feels pretty good -- not sure I want to go all the way back. My husband and I joke we wish we could skip pregnancy and the 1st 6 mos. and have a 6 mo. old delivered to us (one who sleeps thru the night of course!)

(2) Fear: If third baby had any special needs or health issues, or if either of current two turns out to, problem no. 1 would be compounded immensely.

(3) Satisfaction: Watching my two together I feel that maybe with it just being the two of them, they will be close because they have to be. They only have each other after all -- if they get in a fight they can't run to sibling no. 3 (both my mom and mother-in-law have 3 and the triangulation scenarios I have witnessed amazes me). I always had thought the more the merrier and would have loved a bigger family had I started earlier, but am starting to appreciate more the specialness of two. (It helps that my kids are already in love with each other.)

(4) Help: We can take weekends away, leave the kids, etc. due to helpful grandparents. I have outright been told that this will not be the case with three as the two we have stretch the grandparents to capacity. I assume getting paid childcare would be similarly harder. Logistics of everything from airplane rides (right now we each take charge of one kid), to car rides (3 car seats in the back seat?), to stroller rides (triple stroller?) to hotel rooms (can a family of 5 fit in one room?) also seem harder. If I could wait until eldest was 5 or 6 that would ameloriate some of these issues but I can't.

I actually had a pregnancy scare recently and it helped crystallize my feelings on it. My first reaction was literally "Oh no!" I realized I had no desire to be pregnant again. After a few hours I realized I would actually be happy about it and think of it as "meant to be" but the fact my initial reaction was so strong leads me to think my "logic" about whether to have 3 is probably in tune with my emotion about it.

All that said, I'm going to give myself a a few months longer before I close the door on it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't tell you what to do, but I did have 3 under 4 as an over-40 mom. Going from 1 to 2 is a HUGE step. Going from 2 to 3 is not; you're just adding to the chaos. So don't worry about that part of it.

I found this to be true. And I also knew after having #3 that we are Done. I did not feel and know that after having #2, although it made more sense for us to only have two.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are exploring the exact same issues right now... I'm 38, and he's 40, so we have a FEW years to think about it (hopefully), but I would rather do it now!

We also are financially stable, even "well off"... a third child would definitely put SOME financial strain on us... (we live conservatively anyway, but I love not having to think about finances too much... if we need something, we just go buy it).

I think at my age (and your age), you should think hard about what you would do if child #3 turns out to be a special needs child. Some things (like Downs) can be detected in utero, and others can't.... I'm not saying what you should do or not do... I'm just saying I think it behooves all of us (but especially us "older" parents for whom child #3 would be "pushing the envelope" a bit in terms of energy, finances, etc.), to think ahead of time about what you would do with such a child.

My husband is, I think, less reluctant (than yours) to go for #3. I'm definitely driving the bus on this, and there are some questions in terms of timing... but he's decided he's wants #3. As for me, I would rather re-embark on the baby years again while I'm still "sort of" young. I'd have a careful talk with your husband though... If he's pretty convinced he doesn't want a third child... it seems odd that he's just willing to go along with it. The LAST thing you want is to have a 3rd child (that will undoubtedly throw your lives back into at least SOME chaos) and have your husband resent your unilateral decision. BOTH of you need to be completely on board with this... or I wouldnt' do it. I don't think its good enough that he'll bend to your wishes (although it shows what a flexible and supportive guy he is).

One of the previous posters pointed out that while you have identified lots of reasons not to have #3, you haven't identified any reasons to have #3. I just have to say, as I'm sure the OP knows... people have #3 for the same reasons they have #1 and #2... because they have a certain idea of what size family will bring them the most complete happiness.

I came from a large family (one of five kids), and I have always loved the idea of large families. I remember my childhood being very happy... despite now recognizing that my Mom was probably completely wiped out for about 15 years. Ultimately, I don't WANT to be completely wiped out like I think my Mom was... but I think I can handle 3. One of the positives (and potential negatives) of large familes... is that the parents CAN'T be as controlling/micromanaging as they can be with 1-2. It just physically isn't possible. There are some drawbacks to this... you'll attend fewer soccer games, and, to some extent, perhaps be less involved in each child's life. But the positives are good too... you're less likely to be the "helicopter Mom", and your kids will learn to rely on each other, and themselves more.

One other thing to remember that I've heard from many of my friends (all of us somewhat "older" parents). What you lack in energy as you get older, you make up for in experience, compassion, and appreciation. "Older" parents generally have a bit more perspective on things than "younger" ones... and it can work very much to the benefit of your children.

So... I say go for it. But not until you have a real heart to heart and explore your husband's reluctance. You'll need his help and involvement every bit as much with number 3 as you did with numbers 1-2... he needs to be on board.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Such a pesonal decision...and definitely one you must follow your heart.

For us (both 37 w/ a one year old girl and 3 yo boy), we have all our hearts and hands can handle. We love the 'idea' of having more, a big family, and all the joy and chaos that goes with it, but for us...both our kids were welcomed but unplanned (so had to adjust to bit of shock and just 'life adjustment' factor), also are only 18 mos apart (= exhaustion!), plus we have almost no family in the area (= what's a babysitter?). We both work, we just built a house, and it is a real struggle to just FIT in all the things we want to give and do with the kids on a daily basis (e.g., going on walks, "special" 1:1 time with each, reading, play, travel to visit relatives, not rushing through every moment, etc.) My son also had a slight developmental delay with speech and so we had to do training and work extra with him to catch up. Anyway, I want to be able to give my kids everything they deserve (most importantly, our devoted time and attention, which includes things like saftey....ever try to catch a 3 year old from running into the street when you already were holding another baby.... what about TWO other babies??)

I can't say I would be as good of a Mom with 3 as I am with 2 and so I don't feel its fair to "add" to our family at this time. But yes, that makes me a little sad too. What's more special than bringing a new child into the world? For us has to be loving the one's that we have.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am 99% sure we are done at two. I'm only 33, so age isn't a factor. I also got pregnant really easily with both, so that isn't a factor either. And, from a financial perspective, I'm sure we'd be fine (tighter, but fine). So here are my reasons:

(1) I have a boy and a girl, who are 19 months apart (and DD is 19 months old). If I had two of the same sex--either sex--I would be at the other end of the scale (99% sure I want another)--despite the risk/likihood of having a third (or third and fourth!) of the same sex.

(2) We are finally at a point where things are getting easier. They nap at the same time, enjoy many of the same activities--ranging from toys to outings. I would find it very hard to start over with the different nap schedules, up all night, etc.

(3) I love kids, but HATE being pregnant.

(4) There is some history of twins in my family; three under the age of 5 would be hard enough, but 4? People do it; I just don't know how.

(5) I find three to be a tough number. I feel like two are usually closer and one is on the outs. I know this is definitely not always true, but I have seen it often enough in my own extended family (and friends) to know that it's pretty common. Most times it happens naturally (either one is a lot younger, or just has a totally different personality), but that would be hard for me to watch, even if it didn't bother the kids.

So, those are my reasons.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a bit of the same boat, but am younger - 33 (DH is 32) and have two boys - 1 and 3 years old. DH and I joke about how we are so done, but b/c we have 2 boys, every now and then we wonder if we should eventually go for a third. I think if I did, it would be in a while - like in 3-4 years, but then I'll be over 35 and there are associated risks (though my mother was an older mom and had her last of 3 at 37, so I'm not that worried). Of course, there is no guarantee that we would have a girl (and I think statistically, it is more likely that we would not), but I do sometimes wonder if we shouldn't give it one last chance to have a little baby girl...

[Anonymous]

I am 41 and now pregnant with our third.

1) After #2, I did not feel done. We agreed to try for #3, but I knew if it did not work out, I could be happy with what I have. As is turns out we had a micarriage, but my husband talked me into one more try, so here we are . . . I definitely know this will be my last pregnancy and have no regrets. I would have regretted not trying.

2) Another reason we wanted a third is that my husband is one of two, but doesn't have a very good relationship with his brother (not terrible, but not great either). I'm one of four and am close to all my siblings. My thinking was that if we have three kids, then it is less likely that each kid will be stuck with no siblings that they get along with -- i.e., if A & B don't get along, then perhaps both A&C and B&C will get along. I know some of this has to do with parenting, but a lot of it is also the children's personalities. Meanwhile, I'm reading Siblings Without Rivalries.

3) I grew up in a middle income home. Not DC metro middle income, but avg USA middle income. We did not have a lot of $$ for extras, family vacations, etc. But we had a lot of love and I never really thought I was missing out on things. Things will definitely be tight financially, especially for the next two years, but I think it will be worth it. I don't need to go on a vacation to a resort (or by airplane), I don't need to eat out, I don't need a cellphone plan with a million minutes, or a cable or satellite plan with HDTV.

Best of luck with your decision.