Bridesmaid drama: $$

[Anonymous]

This is long and convoluted, but I'd really appreciate some advice.

I am one of three bridesmaids in my friend's wedding. We have just finished planning the shower and booked the venue. The MOB is contributing to the cost, but we don't know how much. Now I am hearing that one of the bridesmaids, Melissa, has said that she can't contribute because she is out of a job. The MOH asked me how much I was going to pay and I said we should subtract MOB's contribution from the final bill and each pay a third of the remainder (translation: Melissa is paying her share). And the most recent news is that the MOB's $$ is to cover Melissa's share. What am I supposed to do? If she wasn't planning on contributing she should have said something before the planning started or declined to be a bridesmaid altogether. I have no cash either and am planning on paying with a credit card; can't Melissa do the same? If MOB only contributes a small amount and Nelissa pays nothing, the MOH and I could be left splitting a hefty bill. But if I stand my ground and refuse to cover Melissa's share, the MOH will be stuck with the cost.

[Anonymous]

Cancel the plans and do something that you can afford.

[Anonymous]

So did you know about MOB contribution before booking the venue? Even if you did, and you didn't know how much, you still should have felt comfortable splitting the cost with the bridesmaids including Melissa. If you booked this place banking on a large contribution from MOB, then it is really your fault since you didn't know how much. Own up to that mistake, and cancel the venue and find something more affordable, or suck it up.

If Melissa came in after you booked the venue and THEN said she could not contribute, my advice is pretty much the same. Announce that the venue has become unaffordable to you now that Melissa cannot contribute and suggest you cancel and rebook somewhere more affordable.

Under no circumstances should you guilt or chide this Melissa. Even if you think she should have said something sooner, or that she really could pay, it is just not your place. If you can't afford this, just speak up. Otherwise you'll have no one to blame but yourself.



Well, if you JUST finished planning the shower and booking the venue, you could cancel. It sounds like it will be too big of a financial burden for you without Melissa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the plans and do something that you can afford.

If I had known from the beginning that one of the bridesmaids wasn't paying, I would have. Now, it's too late. Shower is this weekend and I just got the news about Melissa (name was changed BTW) on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

When I found out that bridesmaids traditionally pay for their own dresses, I was so surprised.

I think it's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So did you know about MOB contribution before booking the venue? Even if you did, and you didn't know how much, you still should have felt comfortable splitting the cost with the bridesmaids including Melissa. If you booked this place banking on a large contribution from MOB, then it is really your fault since you didn't know how much. Own up to that mistake, and cancel the venue and find something more affordable, or suck it up.

If Melissa came in after you booked the venue and THEN said she could not contribute, my advice is pretty much the same. Announce that the venue has become unaffordable to you now that Melissa cannot contribute and suggest you cancel and rebook somewhere more affordable.

Under no circumstances should you guilt or chide this Melissa. Even if you think she should have said something sooner, or that she really could pay, it is just not your place. If you can't afford this, just speak up. Otherwise you'll have no one to blame but yourself.



Well, if you JUST finished planning the shower and booking the venue, you could cancel. It sounds like it will be too big of a financial burden for you without Melissa

Going into this, based on the information I had, I assumed MOB would contribute a small amount and the three bridesmaids would split the rest.

[Anonymous]

I say that since you didn't know what MOB's contribution was going to be that would have just been a bonus. I would say you split the whole bill in 3rds and tell them that is the maximum you intended to spend and can't afford another dime.

[Anonymous]

First of all, if you are going in to debt for a shower, YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT. It doesn't make you noble to go into debt to be a bridesmaid. I think it makes you nuts.

However, what's done is done. You told the MOH what you plan to pay, so pay that. If the MOB or MOH is paying Melissa's share, I don't know why you care either way. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, if you are going in to debt for a shower, YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT. It doesn't make you noble to go into debt to be a bridesmaid. I think it makes you nuts.

However, what's done is done. You told the MOH what you plan to pay, so pay that. If the MOB or MOH is paying Melissa's share, I don't know why you care either way. Not your problem.

I agree with this!

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm confused. If the MOB is paying for Melissa's share, then aren't you paying pretty close to the same amount you were originally?

I have a suggestion. I have no idea where you or the other ppl in the wedding party live, but is it possible ot hold the shower at one of your houses/apartments? Or, is there a party room in someone's apartment/condo building that you can use? If there is, then do that and cancel whatever venue you have booked right now.

I think you need to look into moving locations for this event. Being in someone's wedding is VERY expensive. Between the dress, shoes, makeup, hair, gift, bachelorette party, showers and regular gift, the cost easily goes into the thousands. If you're spending much more than you're comfortable with, you're going to end up resenting the bride, which is not a good situation. It can really harm your friendship.

A few more things . . .can you adjust the guest list for this event? (Make it smaller)
Can you not serve alcohol? (it's a shower, you really don't need it)

I think it's important that you speak up about this. You should decide what you're comfortable with a first call Melissa and let her know your thoughts (meaning you're also uncomfortable/struggling with the $$$) and then tell the other bridesmaids and the MOB, after youve come up with one or more other options. I understand that a wedding is someones "most important day" blah blah blah, but it's really not fair for the event to put you in a serious financial bind. In the end, it is just a party.

I strongly suggest deciding what you want and then speaking up. If you don't, it will eat away at you and make you resent the bride, the rest of the bridal party and the entire event . . .

[Anonymous]

Sorry, PP here. I just saw that the event is this weekend. Tell MOB to pay all of Melissa's costs, and pay the amount you originally planned on paying, NO MORE. From here on out though, don't agree to contribute to things because it sounds like you don't have the $$ to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The MOH asked me how much I was going to pay and I said we should subtract MOB's contribution from the final bill and each pay a third of the remainder (translation: Melissa is paying her share). And the most recent news is that the MOB's $$ is to cover Melissa's share. .

Melissa is a smart girl. Everyone who expects someone who is unemployed to foot someone elses bridal shower is an idiot
I fully support her.
What the mob descides to do is not your business.

find friends who are not getting married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I understand that a wedding is someones "most important day" blah blah blah, but it's really not fair for the event to put you in a serious financial bind. In the end, it is just a party. .

And that is why the bride and the groom pay for it all by themselves

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I understand that a wedding is someones "most important day" blah blah blah, but it's really not fair for the event to put you in a serious financial bind. In the end, it is just a party. .

And that is why the bride and the groom pay for it all by themselves

Huh? Do they? Do they pay for the bridesmaid dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, bachelorette/bachelor parties and shower(s)? No, they don't. There are a LOT of costs associated with being in someone's weddding. The bride and groom may pay for food and drink for one night, but no doubt each member of their wedding party is paying thousand(s) for things related to their event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I understand that a wedding is someones "most important day" blah blah blah, but it's really not fair for the event to put you in a serious financial bind. In the end, it is just a party. .

And that is why the bride and the groom pay for it all by themselves

Huh? Do they? Do they pay for the bridesmaid dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, bachelorette/bachelor parties and shower(s)? No, they don't. There are a LOT of costs associated with being in someone's weddding. The bride and groom may pay for food and drink for one night, but no doubt each member of their wedding party is paying thousand(s) for things related to their event.

Tradition says the brides family covers those expenses
but times have changed and many pay for it all by themselves
And the grooms parents also help out