Bridesmaid drama: $$

[Anonymous]

I guess I don't get this at all, it's so far from the approach I took as a bride and also very far from the approach I would take as a bridesmaid.

First lesson to OP, and it's one you shouldn't have waited so long to learn: don't ASSUME anything! Before you agree to participate in something, you get estimates, you ASK if everyone is going to participate, and you proceed that way. If Melissa said she would contribute (more than just you assuming she would) and now she has reneged, you have a right to be upset, but it's fortunate that the MOB is paying her share.

Second lesson: don't agree to something you really can't afford. You're putting a bridal shower for someone on your credit card because you can't pay for it? Bad idea. Next time, don't overextend yourself.

Third lesson is more general. There is a weird expectation that has developed that bridesmaids split shower costs. In fact, this is not always true. Typically the maid of honor is in charge of throwing the shower, and she asks (not assumes) the other gals if they will assume some costs. If she can't afford to do much, then it's perfectly fine to ask for more help, do something less expensive.

When I got married, I ended up picking fairly expensive bridesmaids dresses (actually the girls picked them out, I just had a color in mind). Since they were about 350 bucks, I paid for half of each of them. We talked about what was doable and what was not. Then, because my sister was in college at the time, I just paid for her dress outright. We had my shower at an aunt's house and it was basically a fancy pot luck.

While the bride is under no obligation to pay for bridesmaids dresses, etc, the bridesmaids are actually under no obligation to throw or chip in for a shower. It's a nice thing to do, but not required under any rule of etiquette.

[Anonymous]

You should expect to pay 1/3 of the bill. It doesn't really matter who pays Melissa's bill as long as her share gets paid by someone other than you and the MOH. If the MOB wants to cover Melissa's bill that is her choice. I know you were expecting some from the MOB to lower your 1/3 but you say it was to be a small amount so it doesn't really factor in. Pay your 1/3 and be done.

Next time host a cheaper shower.

[Anonymous]

Question for the OP: How old are you? I'm guessing early 20's, but I think it has a bearing on the situation.

[Anonymous]

It's crazy that the event is this weekend and you didn't know the details until now--sounds like everyone involved is a mess. At this point, you don't have any choice. I understand you expected to pay the (total - MOB's contribution/3) but now it looks like (total/3). Unfair but suck it up and don't think about it. You already committed to participating and contributing, just do it and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would send a note to the mob advising "here is what I will be contributing to the shower".

If MOB wants to change the venue because of cost that's her choice.

[Anonymous]

Pay what you originally intended to pay.

[Anonymous]

Seriously?

Run!

Run to the hills!

Can you imagine the next mess when there's a baby shower?

Can you suddenly be "forced" into a work trip where only YOU can handle the job???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I understand that a wedding is someones "most important day" blah blah blah, but it's really not fair for the event to put you in a serious financial bind. In the end, it is just a party. .

And that is why the bride and the groom pay for it all by themselves

Huh? Do they? Do they pay for the bridesmaid dresses, shoes, hair, makeup, bachelorette/bachelor parties and shower(s)? No, they don't. There are a LOT of costs associated with being in someone's weddding. The bride and groom may pay for food and drink for one night, but no doubt each member of their wedding party is paying thousand(s) for things related to their event.

A considerate bride and groom do not put their friends and family in this situation.

I had three attendants and told them to wear dresses in X color range of their choosing, with whatever shoes they wanted.

Everyone did their own makeup and hair (including me).

No bachelorette/bachelor parties.

One shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's crazy that the event is this weekend and you didn't know the details until now--sounds like everyone involved is a mess. At this point, you don't have any choice. I understand you expected to pay the (total - MOB's contribution/3) but now it looks like (total/3). Unfair but suck it up and don't think about it. You already committed to participating and contributing, just do it and move on.

I agree - but I think you should divide the total by 4, not 3. Just like others were saying that if Melissa committed ahead of time and now backed out it's not your problem, the same should hold true for MOB. She committed ahead of time to contributing to a portion of the bill. Since she didn't specify, I would now assume that she would pay a 4th of it. So, I'd tell them that you can only contribute what you originally budgeted for - and that's 1/4 of the bill. It's not your problem how they divy up the remainder of the bill. Don't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

In the end, the entire bill must be paid and OP may not be able to just pay less than asked. Honestly, I get that the event is this weekend. You can't cancel a shower with three days notice? I plan lots of professional events and I usually have at least two to three days to cancel. There is a small charge, but nowhere near the cost of the event. If I were OP, I'd be looking into this. It will be a pain to do, but nowhere near as difficult as paying off debt she can't afford

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with trying to downscale, even if it means a cancellation penalty. How much debt are we talking about, anyway? A hundred or two? Five hundred? More? If it's a hundred, I would just go for it and learn your lesson. Did the other bridesmaid commit to paying 1/3 or did you all just assume everyone was going to split things?