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K son comes home everyday saying he has no friends and nobody will play with him...what to do?
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Anonymous
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I know it is only the beginning of the third week, but my son comes home every day upset about his lack of friendships. I guess he is being excluded by the other boys in his class and it hurts his feelings. So far, he hasn't made any friends.
Again, I know it is early, but it is heartbreaking to see how withdrawn my son is becoming and how unhappy he is going to school every day. I'm a WOHM, but have gone to lunch with him once (all the boys sit at one table except 2-3 - including my son - who sit with the girls). I've also signed up to volunteer at school a bunch of days, but I don't want to intervene too much (I feel like my son needs to try to figure this out himself). At the same time, I want to help him with this transition. The school where he attends tends to be full of cliques and many of the kids have known each other for years - they all went to 2 preschools. We just moved into the area, so we are only now starting to meet these families, so I feel like my son already is at a disadvantage. What - if anything - should I be doing? Should I talk to the teacher (though with 26 kids in his class - ugh - I feel like she has her hands full with other stuff)? The school's counselor? I'm going to set up a couple of playdates - one on one - so hopefully that will help. Anything else?? Anybody else go through this with this kid? Please tell me everything works out after a little while...sigh... |
Anonymous
| I would talk to the teacher and the school counselor. A lot of schools have "lunch bunch" and other programs to help kids at lunch. |
Anonymous
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I would say try to get friendly with the parents and arrange playdates for your son with his classmates. If they start to get friendly out of school, hopefully that will spill-over to behavior at school.
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Anonymous
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hey OP,
I am sorry you are going through this. My experience has been that at this age they aren't excluding on purpose, just sticking to the familiar. I agree with a previous poster-contact the teacher and tell her about the situation. Playdates are a great idea too. As someone that has have had to move every couple of years with three kids I know how tough this can be. What has worked well for us is signing my kids up for sports and other after school activities. They slowly meet one child, then another and then another. As your son becomes more "recognizable" to the other kids, things should get better. |
Anonymous
| Did your son previously go to school in your old city? Did he easily make friends/interact with his peers then? If yes, then I would just schedule a bunch of playdates and help him get to know the other kids better. If he has always had trouble making friends, then I would talk to the teacher/counselor and get ideas. |
Anonymous
| At our FCPS kindergarten class, the teacher has name cards she puts out at the lunch tables - each day, the kids sit with different kids/friends. I don't know if the teacher will do this all year, but I think it's a great idea. Otherwise it's to be expected that the kids stick with the friends they know... |
Anonymous
| Teacher can fix it easily if she wants and is aware. |
Anonymous
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Before my now 6 year old went to PS for the 1st time, I got this book: http://www.amazon.com/Join-Play-Learning-Get-Along/dp/1575421526/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1316460135&sr=8-1
I still read it with her at the start of each school year. It is very simply written, but I think the text is sort of like a cognitive script for when you get nervous in a situation with new people. I am actually much more shy than my child and have on occasion thought back to the book in a difficult social situation. In addition, maybe go to your child to the park a few times on the weekend, and demonstrate/model ways to make new friends -- start a game of tag and ask others to join etc. Hope this improves. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I would contact the teacher, let her know your son's feelings and your concern. Ask her for suggestions for who to invite for a play date. She is apt to have a sense for other boys with a compatible play style and interests. You might ask if she'd be willing to assign tables for lunch. Our school has assigned tables at least through 1st grade.
Then start inviting kids for play dates. Not easy when you WOHM full time, but weekends can work. After-school and weekend activities that are predominantly kids from your school might help, too. |
Anonymous
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Thank you everybody for the suggestions. I would *love* for the teachers to assign seating at lunches - right now it is a free for all (no teachers, limited parent volunteers) and I think it'd be good for all the kids to branch out a bit.
But I would be shocked if that flew at my son's school. I think I'm going to see how the next week goes and if my son is still struggling, I'll see what the teacher suggests. I know she has her hands full, and I'm sure this could resolve itself eventually on its own, but I don't want this to go on forever without me intervening. Going to start the playdates as soon as possible. Again, thanks to everybody. |
Anonymous
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In K, DS' teacher lined the children up boy-girl-boy etc. prior to walking single file down to the cafeteria.
Those who brought lunch went directly to the tables, in order, and the buyers went directly into the lunchline, in order. School was/is totally overcrowded, so orderly single file lines are the go-to thing, but I'd have to say that for lunchtime, they helped with the potential clique things. Good luck OP. |
Anonymous
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Can you set up some weekend (or afterschool? may be tricky depending on your work sched) playdates with some of the other boys (maybe some of the ones he is already sitting with at lunch?)
My ds was in a social skills group through the school speech therapist for K that was a few kids struggling socially and a few "normal" kids like your ds--maybe contact the teacher and ask if there are any of these groups forming (it could be an ego booster for him if you explained that he was helping other kids learn to be good friends etc). Plus the small group would give him a chance to make some friends himself. If you work from home or near the school, you could do a drive by during recess and watch how your son is interacting with other kids. Maybe you could spot a few likely friends or suggest something like "It seems like the other kids like tag. Do you want to practice playing tag in our yard" kind of thing. |
Anonymous
OP, I feel for you, and him. 35 years past the fact, I still remember this feeling when I was in K myself. Please know that what you've said here about playdates is key... you have to make a real effort to work with the other moms and push this a little bit. I know it's hard and feels unnatural, but please do intervene, for your son's sake. The teachers don't have enough time to address this issue with more than a cursory attempt to help out. It really is up to the parents (moms) to help their kids this age break into a new situation. Keep your chin up about it around him, be optimistic and keep at it... eventually, he will find someone he clicks with. |
Anonymous
| Assign seats in lunch? Be careful what you wish for. My son is nice and easygoing. When seats were assigned, all the nice easygoing boys were used to separate the handfuls. |
Anonymous
| Totally agree that kids at this age are not excluding on purpose. They are doing what is familiar. Playdates are the answer. Good luck. |