Helping Friends Know How to Best Help your Child

[Anonymous]

We have friends that are eager for a drop off playdate. They seem overwhelmed, which I understand. However, their child is prone to outbursts that are potentially dangerous to her, so I need to know what sets her off and how to best handle it. Unfortunately, the parents are not forthcoming with diagnosis, which I suppose is expected - or is it? How do we handle things? Should we just not do drop offs since we do not feel equipped to properly handle a potentially dangerous situation? Should we expect our friends to be sharing information or is that not reasonable? To us, it is perfectly reasonable, but are we out of line in thinking so? Thank you for any sincere input. We don't want to offend, but we also don't have the tools we need. Actually we don't have any tools since I feel like we don't have much needed information. What do you tell your friends? TIA.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know if I should be saying this, but from what little we know, we suspect autism, apserger's, soemthing like that. Does that help?

[Anonymous]

OP, not every child has a diagnosis. I mean this in the nicest way possible. After five years of exhaustive testing and visits to PTs, OTS, STs, neurogeneticists, neurologists and every other specialist up and down the east coast, my child has NO diagnosis. There are a lot of special needs children who do not. It would be impossible for me to encapsulate, at a drop off playdate, the reasons for behavior. I don't know them myself.

I also think that a child is a child. If you don't feel you can handle this child, say so. Because how will a diagnosis really serve as a "tool," OP, when this child is having an outburst? I really can't see that it would. Please think of the child, and the situation, not the illness. This is a child, not a case of --.

You talk about "much needed information" but a diagnosis of Aspberger's, Autism (and that is always what comes to mind, but there are 1,000 other possibilities) is not like having a child with strep throat or measles come to your home, where there would be specific protocols you could be advised on. I think that if there were specific triggers ("Charlie is afraid of dogs and will have a meltdown if one comes close") his parents would have told you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you raise some very important questions. I have a special needs child and I am not at all reluctant to share the diagnosis for the very reasons you mention. I think sharing it provides a very important framework and often creates more sympathy and understanding (as opposed to people's assumption that a child is just being difficult or behaving poorly due to "bad parenting," etc). I can't say that I identify with or fully understand why people would not share a diagnosis--in my experience most parents are willing to do so when the audience is receptive, and you sound like you are. Perhaps, as PP suggested, there is no diagnosis or perhaps the parents are processing one or perhaps they have made the decision to keep it to themselves. Regardless, I think you are very much within your right to ask the question just as you did, focusing on what can trigger outbursts and how to handle them. I can't stress enough how moved I am when someone cares enough to ask me this kind of question: it shows that you care about the child's well-being and also that you have some confidence in the parent's abilities and knowledge. You are also within your right not to do the play date, of course. But if you are inclined to have it, I do think you can have a helpful conversation without overstepping or being intrusive.

[Anonymous]

I think I come down in the middle here. I will share my DS' diagnosis of AS, but I don't see any reason why OP needs it. Yes, she needs information on how to handle outbursts, and perhaps she needs to just say she can't handle these playdates, but this quest for a specific diagnosis seems like prying to me. I am very quick to say these things shouldn't be a secret, but I am having trouble seeing why you need this specific information.

Have you told the mother specifically what has happened at these playdates? if you haven't, then the problem here is you. The mother needs to know what is happening, and will most likely advise you better on how to handle the situation.

I have called mothers to come and get their children when something like this is going on, especially if I don't think I can keep them safe.

But if you haven't communicated to them, you can't expect them to be the only ones.

[Anonymous]

PPs, thank you so much. I fear that some people see the names as labels, and I understand your reluctance. But dropping the child off who clearly needs special attention and/or special tools, and being so excited to do so, how is that fair to another parent who has no idea where to start? If this child hurts themselves, I feel like then it is too late to call the parents. It is not as if you can intercept the behavior, and I absolutely have no input or control over it, I have tried. It is downright scary and a legitimate safety concern for all in the house. When you come to pick up your child, and she is on the front lawn because she launched herslef out the third floor (closed/locked) window, how is that okay? What if she is dead on the front lawn? It almost happened, and scared the daylights out of me. Would any of you be okay with this in your home with NO information? How is this okay? I feel like I am being blamed for not wanting to be the free babysitter/omniscient cure all. I can not possibly have the child in my house without knowing well, anything. Just give me the bare minimum, for your child's safety. But having nothing is completely inappropriate, make sense?

How do I bring it up to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, thank you so much. I fear that some people see the names as labels, and I understand your reluctance. But dropping the child off who clearly needs special attention and/or special tools, and being so excited to do so, how is that fair to another parent who has no idea where to start? If this child hurts themselves, I feel like then it is too late to call the parents. It is not as if you can intercept the behavior, and I absolutely have no input or control over it, I have tried. It is downright scary and a legitimate safety concern for all in the house. When you come to pick up your child, and she is on the front lawn because she launched herslef out the third floor (closed/locked) window, how is that okay? What if she is dead on the front lawn? It almost happened, and scared the daylights out of me. Would any of you be okay with this in your home with NO information? How is this okay? I feel like I am being blamed for not wanting to be the free babysitter/omniscient cure all. I can not possibly have the child in my house without knowinll, anything. Just give me the bare minimum, for your child's safety. But having nothing is completely inappropriate, make sense?

How do I bring it up to them?

If the child is engaging in the type of dangerous behavior that you describe, then even knowing what her diagnosis (if there is one) isn't going to make a difference. You don't feel equipped to handle her and you just need to be honest with your friends. They shouldn't try to make you feel guilty. It is your right to make this decision. Even if she does have an asd, it is a spectrum and not all kids display every symptom. If the parents know that she engages in this type of dangerous behavior, they should alert babysitters and friends as to what to look for to prevent such behavior. I think it is great that you want to learn more and help but it sounds like this situation may be beyond your control. It also isn't your place to suggest treatments or therapists to your friends. They need to do this on their own.

[Anonymous]

Agree that a diagnosis isn't going to help you. You need to tell the parents that you aren't equipped to handle their child on your own.

[Anonymous]

OP, this could simply be a highly spirited child that you are not equipped to handle, and that you need to say "Sorry, no more playdates" to the mom. Not every child who is more high energy than your child is on the spectrum or comes with a diagnosis. Children do climb out windows. Perfectly normal children. That's why there are safety locks for them. That's why they are constantly supervised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs, thank you so much. I fear that some people see the names as labels, and I understand your reluctance. But dropping the child off who clearly needs special attention and/or special tools, and being so excited to do so, how is that fair to another parent who has no idea where to start? If this child hurts themselves, I feel like then it is too late to call the parents. It is not as if you can intercept the behavior, and I absolutely have no input or control over it, I have tried. It is downright scary and a legitimate safety concern for all in the house. When you come to pick up your child, and she is on the front lawn because she launched herslef out the third floor (closed/locked) window, how is that okay? What if she is dead on the front lawn? It almost happened, and scared the daylights out of me. Would any of you be okay with this in your home with NO information? How is this okay? I feel like I am being blamed for not wanting to be the free babysitter/omniscient cure all. I can not possibly have the child in my house without knowing well, anything. Just give me the bare minimum, for your child's safety. But having nothing is completely inappropriate, make sense?

How do I bring it up to them?

No one is blaming you for anything and i think you still don't understand the irrelevance of the actual diagnosis here. It isn't about labels. You said you've been given NO information. Thats the issue. You don't need the diagnosis and actually its not going to help you. My DS has AS -- and I do share the dx -- but he would never engage in these kinds of behaviors. He just withdraws. So the diagnosis tells you nothing. What you need is specific information about the behaviors and how to handle them, not some medical jargon.

And what have you told the other mother? I ask you that again.

Obviously, you shouldn't have any more playdates. This is not a good situation. But I would caution you against blaming the other mother. You have not been assertive at all in this situation. You have not told the other mother your concerns and you have allowed the playdates to continue under these circumstances. As I said before, if you don't speak up, how can you blame the other mother for not doing so?

[Anonymous]

If you don't want a playdate because you can't handle the child, get some courage and SAY SO. Her diagnosis, or lack of one, isn't the issue - it's her behavior and how it affects you. Tell the other Mom that unless she can give you tips on how to manage her daughter, the playdates won't continue. It really is none of your business if the child has autism, adhd, asperger's, or just plain PITA (pain in the A**). No two cases are alike, and there is an infinite variety of symptoms. Just because a child has "autism" doesn't mean they're all going to act the same way. My child is in a class of kids with autism, and they are all very, very different. Some are loud, boisterous, and into everything and others are very quiet. Some can't speak and others can read, write, and speak well above grade level. Knowing her label tells you NOTHING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't want a playdate because you can't handle the child, get some courage and SAY SO. Her diagnosis, or lack of one, isn't the issue - it's her behavior and how it affects you. Tell the other Mom that unless she can give you tips on how to manage her daughter, the playdates won't continue. It really is none of your business if the child has autism, adhd, asperger's, or just plain PITA (pain in the A**). No two cases are alike, and there is an infinite variety of symptoms. Just because a child has "autism" doesn't mean they're all going to act the same way. My child is in a class of kids with autism, and they are all very, very different. Some are loud, boisterous, and into everything and others are very quiet. Some can't speak and others can read, write, and speak well above grade level. Knowing her label tells you NOTHING.

Very well said.

[Anonymous]

OP, if this child really attempted to launch herself out the window, I would address that concrete issue and your very valid concerns. If my child had a tendency toward violent or unpredictable behavior, I wouldn't be offended if friends asked me how to best calm her down if things escalate on a playdate. If your friends don't give you any feedback, the playdate shouldn't happen. I don't think a diagnosis will help, because every child is so different, even those who share a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the input. I guess we can't do playdates, which makes me sad because our DDs really like each other. It's when our friend goes over the edge - not climbing out a window, actually flinging themselves from across a room, a good sized child who clearly had enough momentum to have launched themselves outside given one more second. I'm not an alarmist. Kids do things. Fine. But this was clearly not "sprited". Nor was it the first time I have seen "spirited" I can generally deal fine with "spirited". Heck, come to think of it, most kids I know are spirited, seriously! I guess I was hoping for some basic guidelines for out of control situations. Apparently it is a very defensive, maybe secretive area. It just seems so hush-hush to me.

[Anonymous]

Stop it. Just stop it. Stop with the hush hush apparently its a secret thing. You have not said one word to this other mother about your concerns, not one word about what this girl did, not one word about how uncomfortable you are with these playdates. And yet you are OBSESSED with this other mother letting you in on her "secret".

It just seems prurient to me, like you are getting some kind of sensationalist thrill from it, at this point. If you cared about this other girl and the playdates, you would say something yourself. period.