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How can you ignore the "You don't Love Me" manipulation
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Anonymous
| I get the you don't like me, don't love me comments quite frequently these days. I find this hard to ignore which I've learned to do with other tantrums. I have well assured DC that I love her at that moment and always. I express it at other times so she doesn't hear it just in those tantrum moments too. I try and stay composed but those punches hurt. |
Anonymous
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OP, I think it might be a certain kind of kid who thinks to say such things. In my large extended family, there is only one child who has ever said that: my nephew, who is an extremely intense, emotional, physical kid. And he seems to have serious, deep-rooted issues with respecting his mother. She does not have a good level of authority with him.
Besides my personal experience, I have my mother's and MIL's; my mom had 10 children and comes from an enormous family herself, and my MIL is a pediatrician. They, too, say that those words are usually spoken by a certain kind of temperament, who has a lack of respect for his/her mother's authority. My MIL adds that it can be an expression of insecurity and low self-esteem, or just testing boundaries. Whatever it is, you never take it personally, and you never bow to it. Never once. You say, because I love you, I cannot let you get hurt/hurt other people/be disrespectful or whatever the reason for discipline. If she keeps it up because she senses it gets to you, then address it directly: "I love you. I am your mother, and I will always love you. NEVER say such a thing again." Or, "I don't just like you, I love you. I do not like when you hurt people/throw things/disobey." Don't go to her level. Your job is to "raise" her 
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Anonymous
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Or it can be that she said it once and got a reaction from you that she would like to repeat? Or "love" means something rather specific to her (like a certain activity or treat)? How old is your little one? I think this also makes a difference. Mine are very, very young, so I would laugh and launch into a silly talk about just how MUCH I love you (bigger than space, more than all the leaves on all the trees...). This would be accompanied by much tickling. Older, and we'd have to have a talk. |
Anonymous
| There are certain things we never say. "I hate you." and "I don't love you." are among them. I don't think you make a huge deal out of it. That just feeds into it. I looked at my niece who tried it at my house when she was 2 and said "that's not nice we don't say things like that" and then didn't invite her to join in play until she used nice words. It took her about two minutes. To stop unwanted behavior you just have to make it not be fun to use. |
Anonymous
how old are your kids? Just wait until they hit puberty and you take away their iPod for not getting their homework done. That's when the "I hate you" comment comes. I'm actually shocked that it took 12 years for DS to use this one on me. |
Anonymous
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How old is your child?
I am confident that my DD knows I love her, so usually I assume that this is an attempt at distraction from discipline. Is that what's happening in your case? You try to discipline your child or ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, and she very cleverly lobs something at you that DOES distract you from it, changing the discussion to "Of course I love you honey, but..." And then it becomes a negotiation? Anyway, I find it easier to ignore when I think of it as a clever little attempt at distraction rather than a valid complaint. Also, I would tell her when you're not in the moment anymore-- so you don't get distracted from whatever she is trying to distract you from, thus making this manipulation "work"-- "It really makes me sad/angry/confused when you say I don't love you. I love you no matter what. If I ignore you when you say that to me, it's because I do love you and because I am feeling sad/angry/confused that you would feel differently." |
Anonymous
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I still remember going through that phase... It's a joke in my family. I'd let the "You don't love me!" out for anything!
My mom would answer back though. For example, I asked for a some object or something that was in fashion saying everybody had it she'd come back with "but you're not everybody. You're my DD and I don't think you need it" then I'd let out "You don't love me then!" and my mom would say "I'm not buying it because I LOVE YOU! If I give this to you it will cause this, these and that harmful consequence and THAT would mean I don't love you." it was so annoying that I eventually gave up. LOL |
Anonymous
| Why do people always come back with "you don't understand b/c you don't have a teen" or "you don't remember having a toddler" when they disagree? The "how old are your kids?" is ridiculous. I had toddlers. I now have teens. I stopped the behavior when they tried it at two. They are now 15 and 17. Never had the problem again. Teens don't suddenly become nasty and surly and you have to threaten them. SIGH |
Anonymous
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I can't believe moms actually feel bad when their kids says that crap. It's so silly.
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Anonymous
| Because you recognize it as manipulation and not actually feeling this way? |
Anonymous
I can't either. If my kids didn't hate me sometimes, I would be concerned that I wasn't doing my job. I've heard "I don't like you", "I hate you", "You don't love me",....... more times than I can remember. When my youngest was six, I sent him to his room for hitting his brother. When I went in to check on him I overheard him saying his prayers. His prayer than evening included this gem: "And please God, kill them all". Nice, huh? For what it's worth, I have two grown children. And three happy, respectful (usually ) teenagers still at home. |
Anonymous
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"I love you enough to let you be mad at me. If I'm doing a good job as a parent, you are not going to pleased 100% of the time." Still using with my now 14 year old. And when we're not in the heat of the moment, I actually think she gets it too.
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Anonymous
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"It's becasue I love you that I won't let you (insert issue). I'm sorry you're upset but I'm just doing my job as a mom."
It's total manipulation. Don't buy it for a minute or you will wind up giving the child all the power. |
Anonymous
Me too. It is a total attempt at manipulation and b/c they aren't getting their way. It is the worst thing they can think of to express how pissed they are. My son uses "You don't love me." I always say "I am saying no to this because I love you. One day you will understand." The he stomps away. He is fine 10 mins later so that is why it has never bothered me. |
Anonymous
Well, I always thought that maybe the reason it worked is because kids manage to say it just at that instant when their behavior is just unlovable enough that their parent is feeling less than loving toward them-- and the parent, hearing it out loud, feels guilty to be feeling so GRRR toward their kid, and to be called on it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's okay to sometimes detest (the behavior of) the people we love, and to be honest about it. I remember really believing my mom didn't love me for many years because she never once told me she felt irritated by me or annoyed by me, even when it would be particularly reasonable to be-- if she could fake it then, I reasoned, might it mean she was faking it all the time? Don't know if this is where it comes from with all the "you don't love me" -ers, though. |