How can you ignore the "You don't Love Me" manipulation

[Anonymous]

I don't let it get to me because I know my daughter doesn't really believe it.

Mine is also 3. So part of it is her learning that me getting frustrated or upset with her doesn't mean I stop loving her. So for those situations I make sure to tell her that: "I will always live you, no matter what. I am upset with your behaviour, and don't like it when you X. But I will always love you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe moms actually feel bad when their kids says that crap. It's so silly.

Me too. It is a total attempt at manipulation and b/c they aren't getting their way. It is the worst thing they can think of to express how pissed they are. My son uses "You don't love me." I always say "I am saying no to this because I love you. One day you will understand." The he stomps away. He is fine 10 mins later so that is why it has never bothered me.

Well, I always thought that maybe the reason it worked is because kids manage to say it just at that instant when their behavior is just unlovable enough that their parent is feeling less than loving toward them-- and the parent, hearing it out loud, feels guilty to be feeling so GRRR toward their kid, and to be called on it. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's okay to sometimes detest (the behavior of) the people we love, and to be honest about it. I remember really believing my mom didn't love me for many years because she never once told me she felt irritated by me or annoyed by me, even when it would be particularly reasonable to be-- if she could fake it then, I reasoned, might it mean she was faking it all the time? Don't know if this is where it comes from with all the "you don't love me" -ers, though.

Interesting, Po Bronson talks about this in his book NurtureShock. There are studies showing that teens think people (parents and teachers) are lying to them when they give them too-broad or excessive praise. They then believe the person feels the exact opposite of what they're saying. "Bobby you are SO smart," says mom. "Boy, I must be dumb," thinks Bobby.

[Anonymous]

I don't think we should automatically assume that when a kid says something like that, it is of course manipulation or something they don't really mean.

I think children do feel unloved sometimes, when they are being disciplined. If you are feeling lousy and bad, and you make a mistake, and as a result get banished or sent away or yelled at, well, I would feel a little unloved too. Not that I would actually *be* unloved, but I might feel that way.

It is very hard for some kids to understand why someone who loves them wants to intentionally make them feel bad "for their own good." I'm not just talking about hitting here. But all kinds of punishments.

I am just saying this because sometimes the "you don't love me" is clearly ridiculous...they want to buy gum in the checkout line and you refused to do it, or whatever. But if my kid said that in a time of conflict, I would really take a step back and think about my behavior and whether it was sending a message I wasn't intending...

[Anonymous]

But if my kid said that in a time of conflict, I would really take a step back and think about my behavior and whether it was sending a message I wasn't intending...

Seriously? I mean, Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think it might be a certain kind of kid who thinks to say such things. In my large extended family, there is only one child who has ever said that: my nephew, who is an extremely intense, emotional, physical kid. And he seems to have serious, deep-rooted issues with respecting his mother. She does not have a good level of authority with him.

Besides my personal experience, I have my mother's and MIL's; my mom had 10 children and comes from an enormous family herself, and my MIL is a pediatrician. They, too, say that those words are usually spoken by a [b]certain kind of temperament, who has a lack of respect for his/her mother's authority. My MIL adds that it can be an expression of insecurity and low self-esteem, or just testing boundaries.

Whatever it is, you never take it personally, and you never bow to it. Never once. You say, because I love you, I cannot let you get hurt/hurt other people/be disrespectful or whatever the reason for discipline.

If she keeps it up because she senses it gets to you, then address it directly: "I love you. I am your mother, and I will always love you. NEVER say such a thing again." Or, "I don't just like you, I love you. I do not like when you hurt people/throw things/disobey."

Don't go to her level. Your job is to "raise" her

Interesting post, I agree to this, my DD definitely has one hell of a temperament. She has her moments in regards to some insecurity given her age of 4 but I would never say she has low esteem. Definitely defies my authority at times within realm of her age but yes, it's my darling DD temperament. She recently said "I hate you," boy, I can see the teen age years now... I've learned to be consistent and firm and not let it get me. Good thing is that she is willing to talk it out and is working on herself. Latest positive is after we go somewhere, she asks me how she did... behavior wise... there's hope.