Is this ADHD? Please help! DH and I hit the bottom

[Anonymous]

Dh and I had a horrible fight last night, that continued this morning. I'm very upset and hopeless, to the point that I feel our marriage is unsustainable. He is a loving, affectionate and dedicated husband and dad, but there are so many ups and downs, erratic behavior, unpredictable outbursts of anger that I never know what to expect. We have a 2 yr old and I'm pregnant, so the situation is beyond difficult for me to handle. I'm feeling incredibly fragile and sad, especially because DC was present when we had the fight this morning. So I'm wondering based on his behavior if he might have ADHD and if a treatment might help. HE is very disorganized, keeps forgetting where he placed things, comes back to the house at least twice every time we're about to leave, is hard to focus on anything, abandon plans half way, frequently interrupts people when they're talking, is very impatient. He dropped out of school and although he's smart, it's clear he has trouble following detailed steps and instructions, as well as focusing on reading anything complex. All those things I can live with, but the most problematic is his temper. He gets easily upset and can't control what he says, which usually comes out in angry explosions about some silly thing that you never expect. The other main problem for me is that he refuses any accountability. Whenever he does something wrong, he always find someone or something to blame. It's almost impossible to make him see how his actions created a certain negative outcome, and make him take responsibility for it. What upsets me is that he blames me for a lot of things I have no control over. I'm at a breaking point now - so tired of crying often, of making excuses for his actions and being so irritable and impatient myself. Our last fight broke off when I woke up at 3 am to find he had just arrived home and was completely drunk and puking all over our bed. He left home around 9:30 pm saying he would meet a friend he plans on starting a business with (one of those several unfinished plans). I had a monstrous reaction to the point of pushing him and hitting him on his arms because I cannot comprehend how he finds this acceptable. HE doesn't drink because obviously he has a problem with alcohol, but once in so many months he does this binge drinking episodes and I'm tired of putting up with it. This morning, what you would expect from a normal person, like feeling bad, apologizing or at least acknowledging that what he did was wrong, was the opposite of what he did. He blamed ME for our fight and never admitted to drinking. I told him to get up and start cleaning his mess and that's when another argument started.
I don't know anyone officially ADHD, but from I've read, he pretty much fits the symptoms. We love each other I believe, but I'm honestly rethinking if spending an entire life with him is even possible. People who have ADHD (or have closed ones who do), maybe you can help? SOmetimes I feel he's genuine about trying to improve, but there seems to be a blockage somewhere. If he sounds ADHD, what should be my next steps? Any advice on good doctors or therapists? HOw do I cope? I have no one to talk to and I'm just exploding inside - which is of course terrible for my pregnancy. Sorry this is so long and confusing, but I thought someone in DCUM could send a little support my way. Thanks

[Anonymous]

I don't know if your husband has ADHD (which is kind of a junk pile diagnosis at this point), but it's pretty clear that he has problems and issues and could use some therapy. He sounds like he has a personality disorder of some kind and alcohol abuse certainly isn't going to help.

His problem with binge drinking is a huge problem. You seem to minimize it, however, which I don't really understand. Why do you see ADHD diagnosis as more important. Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism and it can certainly account for his inability to accept responsibility, his undependibility, and his denial.

A loto of problems here. I'm so sorry. I would get his doctor involved, a therapist, and your entire family. Where do you live?

[Anonymous]

thank you, PP. We live in DC. You raised important points and I don't know why I'm focusing on a disorder diagnosis, but maybe because it may help explain his alcohol abuse, which is of course a huge problem. He is unable to drink socially, so he doesn't, but like I said, once in several months he has an episode of binge drinking, usually by himself, and then goes back to "normal", so it makes it easier for me to forget --- until the next one happens.

[Anonymous]

15:36 here again. It's possible that your husband has ADHD/something else and that drives the drinking; it's possible he's an alcoholic and that creates his problems. I can't tell and either scenario is plausible. The problem with internet checklists for ADHD and disorders like that is that when someone is in crisis they tend to fit that person, because people in crisis have pretty disorganized thinking.

Do you have a physician? Can you contact that person? What about your insurance? Is your husband willing to go to a therapist? IF you gave him an ultimatum?

[Anonymous]

WOW. Your DH sounds EXACTLY like my brother who is very tragically about to get married to a nice girl.

He has been disgnosed with "explosive personality disorder" and "ADD". By far the WORST part of him is the EPD. ADD is pretty manageable, though frustrating, but the EPD is impossible to deal with, people with EPD are always the "victim". It has gotten to the point where both my sister and I have stopped all communication with him. He is ugly and hurtful and NEVER takes responsiblity. I suspect he has been off his meds for awhile, as he has complained that it is too expensive.

If this is what he has, good luck to you. Life with these people are pretty miserable. Look it up, see if the description fits your DH.

[Anonymous]

BTW, ADD or ADHD does not make you an angry asshole. It makes you a frustrating person, who often is highly functioning and quite successful in many areas.

[Anonymous]

i was thinking borderline personality disorder0 maybe some adhd there too... do you know anything about his childhood?

[Anonymous]

You need to get him to someone who can properly assess him and see what is the issue. It may be ADHD, it may be stress and poor coping, it may be substance use, it may be depression, it may be trauma related. It really could be any number of things.
This is obviously impacting his life in many areas, including his family. Is he open to seeing someone, maybe a psychologist who can figure out what is going on?

[Anonymous]

Is this behavior new? Or just worse now?

[Anonymous]

And you got pregnant AGAIN with this guy?

[Anonymous]

Get him to a therapist. If he won't go, get one for yourself or at least go to an Al-anon meeting:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the helpful advice. To answer some questions, I will probably contact my doctor and look for recommendations of doctors and therapists to try and diagnose whatever disorder or issue he has. I will definitely give him an ultimatum, so either we have a plan and he makes a visible effort or we have no business being together.
Regarding his childhood, his parents were out most of the time, his mom is pretty aloof and cold, and there was some kind of abuse by his babysitter, which he didn't want to share more details and he sort of made light of it. His dad died when he was a teen. As for the past behavior, the simply annoying disorganization and other aspects have always been there, but the explosive and unreliable parts emerged and have been getting worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thank you, PP. We live in DC. You raised important points and I don't know why I'm focusing on a disorder diagnosis, but maybe because it may help explain his alcohol abuse, which is of course a huge problem. He is unable to drink socially, so he doesn't, but like I said, once in several months he has an episode of binge drinking, usually by himself, and then goes back to "normal", so it makes it easier for me to forget --- until the next one happens.

OP, your husband is either a drunk or, when he's not drinking, a dry drunk. Just because people stop drinking doesn't mean they still don't act crazy. I know it's hard to figure out what to do now and you must feel overwhelmed with what is happening. May I suggest, in addition to considering therapy, that you try attending several Al-Anon meetings? You would hear from other folks who live with people who have problems with alcohol and you can share your own experience and you can see if what is happening in your marriage makes sense when looked at through that lens. It's also a place where you can just talk about what is going on at home. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope things get better but I am guessing if they get better it will be because you make changes in your life rather than having any success in changing your husband. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You need to get him to someone who can properly assess him and see what is the issue. It may be ADHD, it may be stress and poor coping, it may be substance use, it may be depression, it may be trauma related. It really could be any number of things.
This is obviously impacting his life in many areas, including his family. Is he open to seeing someone, maybe a psychologist who can figure out what is going on?

I agree. My DH was diagnosed with ADHD after our DS was diagnosed. Neither of them are hyperactive which makes it easy for them to fall through the cracks. As the PP stated, someone needs to assess him in order to develop an effective treatment plan. That starts with him acknowleding there are some challenges and roadblocks. It doesn't need to be this way.

I would ignore the haters who comment on the wisdom of having kids with your DH. My DH could compensate for his challenges before we had kids. Once we had them and the pressure and stresses increased, once-effective coping mechanisms no longer worked and our relationship spiraled downward - which made the pressure and stress even worse. It's a vicious cycle.

I highly recommend you go to the CHADD website http://www.chadd.org/ . Whether your DH has ADHD or not, you will find some useful information. If he does have ADHD, I also suggest you get the book Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the helpful advice. To answer some questions, I will probably contact my doctor and look for recommendations of doctors and therapists to try and diagnose whatever disorder or issue he has. I will definitely give him an ultimatum, so either we have a plan and he makes a visible effort or we have no business being together.
Regarding his childhood, his parents were out most of the time, his mom is pretty aloof and cold, and there was some kind of abuse by his babysitter, which he didn't want to share more details and he sort of made light of it. His dad died when he was a teen. As for the past behavior, the simply annoying disorganization and other aspects have always been there, but the explosive and unreliable parts emerged and have been getting worse.

I'm the PP that asked about the past- that is where you can learn the most... I think slapping on ADHD without knowing a cause is not appropriate. It sounds like has abandoned and potentially abused.. not an easy combo to have as a child- this can lead his adult behavior in many different ways. Such- as drinking to self-medicate, forget not to be responsible etc.. But the ultimatum is the only way to go.. you can't go on like this- I;m sorry you're going through this. I hope you find a good therapist since if it a disorder- it's not like super apparent to the outside- the behavior is more confined to those closest to them..