Is this ADHD? Please help! DH and I hit the bottom

[Anonymous]

PP here - i dated a borderline personality disorder guy and my therapist summarized some simplified way of life as follows:

average thinking:

it;s not you it;s me

borderline:

it;s not me, it's you


which is why it lead me to the accountability part.. my ex was NEVER wrong- it was always me or the boss or the world.. and binge drinking is a way to self-medicate and a trait of BPD.. (reckless behavior)..and when they are on- they are wonderful- but they never show this side in public so if most people would be shocked to even believe this aspect...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here - i dated a borderline personality disorder guy and my therapist summarized some simplified way of life as follows:

average thinking:

it;s not you it;s me

borderline:

it;s not me, it's you


which is why it lead me to the accountability part.. my ex was NEVER wrong- it was always me or the boss or the world.. and binge drinking is a way to self-medicate and a trait of BPD.. (reckless behavior)..and when they are on- they are wonderful- but they never show this side in public so if most people would be shocked to even believe this aspect...

Opps- PP here again- it's been 10 yrs since BPD ex so pardon the error

it goes like this-

normal-
I'm ok, you're ok

Borderline,

I;m ok, you're not ok

sorry..!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if your husband has ADHD (which is kind of a junk pile diagnosis at this point), but it's pretty clear that he has problems and issues and could use some therapy. He sounds like he has a personality disorder of some kind and alcohol abuse certainly isn't going to help.

His problem with binge drinking is a huge problem. You seem to minimize it, however, which I don't really understand. Why do you see ADHD diagnosis as more important. Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism and it can certainly account for his inability to accept responsibility, his undependibility, and his denial.

A loto of problems here. I'm so sorry. I would get his doctor involved, a therapist, and your entire family. Where do you live?

JUST NO. ADHD is not a junk pile diagnosis, you obviously do not know anything about it.

Also, many adults with ADHD also have addiction issues. That makes sense.

[Anonymous]

It's not possible to make a diagnosis of something in addition to alcohol abuse, which is what your husband has. Forget about the ADHD. He needs to stop abusing alcohol. Period. You've been a lot more tolerant of his behavior than many would be. I'm guessing because kids are involved. The only he will get help is if you clearly indicate what you will accept and what you wont accept. Make him aware of the consequences and follow through. I agree with others that you should get some support and others involved. It will give you perspective on what is appropriate and what is not. If someone who is supposed to be the dad for my kids and the person i should be able to count on came home drunk and vomited all over the bed and i was pregnant, I would be appalled. I am sorry, that's unbelievable. I hope you get some help soon.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry.

My take: don't reduce your husband to ANY diagnosis. Whatever his demons are, they do not excuse his behavior towards you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry.

My take: don't reduce your husband to ANY diagnosis. Whatever his demons are, they do not excuse his behavior towards you.

She isn't reducing him to a diagnosis - she is trying to understand what lies behind the characteristics and behavior he exhibits. And while understanding what illness or ineffective coping may not excuse his behavior, it might explain it and allow him to develop strategies and to follow treatments that reduce or eliminate his behavior.

[Anonymous]

The PPs here who are encouraging you to diagnose (and cure) your husband are missing the point. They are also codependents who married emotionally (and soon physically - don't worry about it) abusive alcoholics and sunk cost fallacy requires them to double down on their bad investment. Don't do it. Leave/get him out and THEN heal the marriage. Demand counseling/therapy and hold the line for the sake of the children you are nominally responsible for. Don't wait til he starts to hurt your kids to do it. He could call and have you arrested for what you did. And at some point this will escalate to a violent relationship and then god help them. You didn't ask to leave him or for help for your kids. That is terrifying. Instead you want an excuse (ADHD) so that you don't have to face what he is doing. It's not him, it's the ADHD; it's not him, it's the BPD, it's not him, it's the alcoholism. IT IS HIM. He may be mentally ill but what is your excuse for staying and perpetuating this? You think your kid is enjoying this?

STOP THIS RIGHT NOW.

If you want to save your marriage, waiting until your entire lives hit rock bottom is not the way to do it. You obviously have problems yourself or you would not have stood for this. My suggestion is instead of going to al-anon and joining the triumph of hope over experience, go to individual counseling. And do right by YOUR CHILDREN.

Geez! Would you give your kids alcohol? The poison you are dripping into their lives right now is worse than alcohol. You get a D+ as a mother. Don't make it an F.

[Anonymous]

00:48 again - Oh and at the other poster. It's not the OP's first priority to spend the next year+ dragging this man begging to counseling/therapy/diagnostic testing etc. Her first responsibility is to her children. Then her husband. If she is physically hitting him, this is out of control. He may hit her back. This could escalate so quickly - YOUR CHILDREN COULD GO INTO CARE. This is not a "he's scatty" type diagnosis, this could destroy your family. DON'T make your child's life dependent on your husband's happiness. Be a parent ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry.

My take: don't reduce your husband to ANY diagnosis. Whatever his demons are, they do not excuse his behavior towards you.

She isn't reducing him to a diagnosis - she is trying to understand what lies behind the characteristics and behavior he exhibits. And while understanding what illness or ineffective coping may not excuse his behavior, it might explain it and allow him to develop strategies and to follow treatments that reduce or eliminate his behavior.

You are right. If she can understand his behavior, she can find ways to change his behavior. But it is still HIS BEHAVIOR. It is not "the alcoholism's" behavior or "the scatterbrain's" behavior or the "attachment problems from childhood trauma's" behavior. Those aspects of who her husband is may explain reasons for his anger, or his lack of responsibility, but they are not excuses.

I just want to be sure OP draws the line in the right place. The tone of her first post was more that she was looking for an excuse, rather than an explanation. That her husband was subject to forces beyond his control, rather than he was personally failing her.

If I read that wrong, and OP is looking for a path to a solution, I apologize for misreading. But I am speaking as someone who played the role of her husband, in a slightly different way, many years ago: I mistreated my spouse. I had terrible rages and emotional whiplash and self-destructive behaviors. I had been diagnosed as bipolar, and I admit I blamed my diagnosis for my behavior and coasted along on that reduced responsibility for many years. It was not until I questioned the accuracy of that diagnosis and took personal responsibility for my actions that I became able to change.

Now I know that while I have an intense personality, I have some medical issues that, once addressed, completely changed my ability to regulate my emotions. These issues were NOT psychiatric, and my medications are NOT psychiatric. So all along, I was the one who raged, I was the one who was abusive. Yes, I actually had a medical condition that made it very difficult for me to keep myself under control, but I still could have fought against myself to do the right thing. My incorrect diagnosis gave me the excuse not to fight hard enough.

OP, I know I am walking a fine line here, but it is extremely important. On the one side, finding a diagnosis could be your salvation, your answer to so many questions, your way back to a healthy marriage. On the other side, a diagnosis could stunt your husband's willingness to change. ADHD? Some drugs help some people, some people are not helped by drugs. Some coping mechanisms are useful, but only if they are utilized. BPD? That is an emotional disorder, not a mental disease, subject only to therapy and the person's willingness to change. Alcoholism? That is an addiction, and again subject to the person's willingness to fight the addiction. For all of these possibilities, your husband is the one--the only one--who can choose to try to change.

I hope and pray that you find healing and peace with your husband. Only you know him well enough to take all these different perspectives to heart and find the right approach. But please, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your love for him, take positive action NOW. Be loving and firm and say that you are with him, in sickness and in health, and you will not let another day go by like this. I wish you both healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry.

My take: don't reduce your husband to ANY diagnosis. Whatever his demons are, they do not excuse his behavior towards you.

She isn't reducing him to a diagnosis - she is trying to understand what lies behind the characteristics and behavior he exhibits. And while understanding what illness or ineffective coping may not excuse his behavior, it might explain it and allow him to develop strategies and to follow treatments that reduce or eliminate his behavior.

You are right. If she can understand his behavior, she can find ways to change his behavior. But it is still HIS BEHAVIOR. It is not "the alcoholism's" behavior or "the scatterbrain's" behavior or the "attachment problems from childhood trauma's" behavior. Those aspects of who her husband is may explain reasons for his anger, or his lack of responsibility, but they are not excuses.

I just want to be sure OP draws the line in the right place. The tone of her first post was more that she was looking for an excuse, rather than an explanation. That her husband was subject to forces beyond his control, rather than he was personally failing her.

If I read that wrong, and OP is looking for a path to a solution, I apologize for misreading. But I am speaking as someone who played the role of her husband, in a slightly different way, many years ago: I mistreated my spouse. I had terrible rages and emotional whiplash and self-destructive behaviors. I had been diagnosed as bipolar, and I admit I blamed my diagnosis for my behavior and coasted along on that reduced responsibility for many years. It was not until I questioned the accuracy of that diagnosis and took personal responsibility for my actions that I became able to change.

Now I know that while I have an intense personality, I have some medical issues that, once addressed, completely changed my ability to regulate my emotions. These issues were NOT psychiatric, and my medications are NOT psychiatric. So all along, I was the one who raged, I was the one who was abusive. Yes, I actually had a medical condition that made it very difficult for me to keep myself under control, but I still could have fought against myself to do the right thing. My incorrect diagnosis gave me the excuse not to fight hard enough.

OP, I know I am walking a fine line here, but it is extremely important. On the one side, finding a diagnosis could be your salvation, your answer to so many questions, your way back to a healthy marriage. On the other side, a diagnosis could stunt your husband's willingness to change. ADHD? Some drugs help some people, some people are not helped by drugs. Some coping mechanisms are useful, but only if they are utilized. BPD? That is an emotional disorder, not a mental disease, subject only to therapy and the person's willingness to change. Alcoholism? That is an addiction, and again subject to the person's willingness to fight the addiction. For all of these possibilities, your husband is the one--the only one--who can choose to try to change.

I hope and pray that you find healing and peace with your husband. Only you know him well enough to take all these different perspectives to heart and find the right approach. But please, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your love for him, take positive action NOW. Be loving and firm and say that you are with him, in sickness and in health, and you will not let another day go by like this. I wish you both healing.

What non-psychiatric diagnosis caused you to rage and be abusive?

[Anonymous]

Well-said, 7:34!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry.

My take: don't reduce your husband to ANY diagnosis. Whatever his demons are, they do not excuse his behavior towards you.

She isn't reducing him to a diagnosis - she is trying to understand what lies behind the characteristics and behavior he exhibits. And while understanding what illness or ineffective coping may not excuse his behavior, it might explain it and allow him to develop strategies and to follow treatments that reduce or eliminate his behavior.

I agree. I come from an incredibly disfunctional family with lots of physical, mental and substance abuse. My DH struggled with depression and anxiety and was diagnosed with ADHD after our oldest child was diagnosed with it. Assessment and evaluation are the key to understanding and addressing OP's husband's issues. He may be abusing alcohol but that does not necessarily make him an alcoholic. He and OP must understand why he drinks before the problem can be fixed. There are many disorders that have their origin in neurology and brain chemistry which make people with those disorders more prone to substance abuse because their brains are different than the brains of "normal" people. No one, I repeat, no one on this thread is excusing behavior because of a disorder. It is an explanation, not an excuse. The critical piece is what OP's husband does with the information and how he tries to help himself. My DH struggles mightily with his demons and I remain in the marriage because even though he may lose a skirmish, he battles to win the war. His biggest hurdle was acknowledging he had a problem and then working to overcome it - that is where OP and her DH are right now. If he will not acknowledge he has a problem and seek treatment then there is no hope things will get better.

OP - when looking at a care provider, I strongly suggest you find one with expertise and experience in dealing with disorders such as ADHD. I think most people who've been through this will agree that most general medical providers just don't have the skill or knowledge base to assess and treat these complex problems. Many of us wasted a lot of precious time and resources until we learned that painful lesson. Good luck! It doesn't need to be this way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry.

My take: don't reduce your husband to ANY diagnosis. Whatever his demons are, they do not excuse his behavior towards you.

She isn't reducing him to a diagnosis - she is trying to understand what lies behind the characteristics and behavior he exhibits. And while understanding what illness or ineffective coping may not excuse his behavior, it might explain it and allow him to develop strategies and to follow treatments that reduce or eliminate his behavior.

You are right. If she can understand his behavior, she can find ways to change his behavior. But it is still HIS BEHAVIOR. It is not "the alcoholism's" behavior or "the scatterbrain's" behavior or the "attachment problems from childhood trauma's" behavior. Those aspects of who her husband is may explain reasons for his anger, or his lack of responsibility, but they are not excuses.

I just want to be sure OP draws the line in the right place. The tone of her first post was more that she was looking for an excuse, rather than an explanation. That her husband was subject to forces beyond his control, rather than he was personally failing her.

If I read that wrong, and OP is looking for a path to a solution, I apologize for misreading. But I am speaking as someone who played the role of her husband, in a slightly different way, many years ago: I mistreated my spouse. I had terrible rages and emotional whiplash and self-destructive behaviors. I had been diagnosed as bipolar, and I admit I blamed my diagnosis for my behavior and coasted along on that reduced responsibility for many years. It was not until I questioned the accuracy of that diagnosis and took personal responsibility for my actions that I became able to change.

Now I know that while I have an intense personality, I have some medical issues that, once addressed, completely changed my ability to regulate my emotions. [b]These issues were NOT psychiatric, and my medications are NOT psychiatric. So all along, I was the one who raged, I was the one who was abusive. Yes, I actually had a medical condition that made it very difficult for me to keep myself under control, but I still could have fought against myself to do the right thing. My incorrect diagnosis gave me the excuse not to fight hard enough.

OP, I know I am walking a fine line here, but it is extremely important. On the one side, finding a diagnosis could be your salvation, your answer to so many questions, your way back to a healthy marriage. On the other side, a diagnosis could stunt your husband's willingness to change. ADHD? Some drugs help some people, some people are not helped by drugs. Some coping mechanisms are useful, but only if they are utilized. BPD? That is an emotional disorder, not a mental disease, subject only to therapy and the person's willingness to change. Alcoholism? That is an addiction, and again subject to the person's willingness to fight the addiction. For all of these possibilities, your husband is the one--the only one--who can choose to try to change.

I hope and pray that you find healing and peace with your husband. Only you know him well enough to take all these different perspectives to heart and find the right approach. But please, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your love for him, take positive action NOW. Be loving and firm and say that you are with him, in sickness and in health, and you will not let another day go by like this. I wish you both healing.

I don't think it is her responsibility to change his behavior - an understanding of what is going on can help them both determine the best course of action but he will have to be the one that does the work.

Also you state that getting the correct diagnosis was what allowed you to change your ability to control your emotions - wouldn't you want the same for her husband? Why is getting the correct diagnosis a good thing for you but a bad thing for her? If it helps you understand yourself and know best how to address it then that is a good thing.

It really doesn't matter if the diagnosis is medical or psychiatric. If there is a health condition (physical or mental) that is the root cause of the issues then it should be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if your husband has ADHD (which is kind of a junk pile diagnosis at this point), but it's pretty clear that he has problems and issues and could use some therapy. He sounds like he has a personality disorder of some kind and alcohol abuse certainly isn't going to help.

His problem with binge drinking is a huge problem. You seem to minimize it, however, which I don't really understand. Why do you see ADHD diagnosis as more important. Binge drinking is a form of alcoholism and it can certainly account for his inability to accept responsibility, his undependibility, and his denial.

A loto of problems here. I'm so sorry. I would get his doctor involved, a therapist, and your entire family. Where do you live?

JUST NO. ADHD is not a junk pile diagnosis, you obviously do not know anything about it.

Also, many adults with ADHD also have addiction issues. That makes sense.

I don't think I expressed myself clearly. You are correct, this is not a "junk pile diagnosis." I should have said something more like people looking on the internet often come up with ADHD when they are looking for a diagnosis because for "internet diagnosis" it's kind of a junkpile. Please pardon the potential insult to people with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm so sorry.

My take: don't reduce your husband to ANY diagnosis. Whatever his demons are, they do not excuse his behavior towards you.

She isn't reducing him to a diagnosis - she is trying to understand what lies behind the characteristics and behavior he exhibits. And while understanding what illness or ineffective coping may not excuse his behavior, it might explain it and allow him to develop strategies and to follow treatments that reduce or eliminate his behavior.

You are right. If she can understand his behavior, she can find ways to change his behavior. But it is still HIS BEHAVIOR. It is not "the alcoholism's" behavior or "the scatterbrain's" behavior or the "attachment problems from childhood trauma's" behavior. Those aspects of who her husband is may explain reasons for his anger, or his lack of responsibility, but they are not excuses.

I just want to be sure OP draws the line in the right place. The tone of her first post was more that she was looking for an excuse, rather than an explanation. That her husband was subject to forces beyond his control, rather than he was personally failing her.

If I read that wrong, and OP is looking for a path to a solution, I apologize for misreading. But I am speaking as someone who played the role of her husband, in a slightly different way, many years ago: I mistreated my spouse. I had terrible rages and emotional whiplash and self-destructive behaviors. I had been diagnosed as bipolar, and I admit I blamed my diagnosis for my behavior and coasted along on that reduced responsibility for many years. It was not until I questioned the accuracy of that diagnosis and took personal responsibility for my actions that I became able to change.

Now I know that while I have an intense personality, I have some medical issues that, once addressed, completely changed my ability to regulate my emotions. These issues were NOT psychiatric, and my medications are NOT psychiatric. So all along, I was the one who raged, I was the one who was abusive. Yes, I actually had a medical condition that made it very difficult for me to keep myself under control, but I still could have fought against myself to do the right thing. My incorrect diagnosis gave me the excuse not to fight hard enough.

OP, I know I am walking a fine line here, but it is extremely important. On the one side, finding a diagnosis could be your salvation, your answer to so many questions, your way back to a healthy marriage. On the other side, a diagnosis could stunt your husband's willingness to change. ADHD? Some drugs help some people, some people are not helped by drugs. Some coping mechanisms are useful, but only if they are utilized. BPD? That is an emotional disorder, not a mental disease, subject only to therapy and the person's willingness to change. Alcoholism? That is an addiction, and again subject to the person's willingness to fight the addiction. For all of these possibilities, your husband is the one--the only one--who can choose to try to change.

I hope and pray that you find healing and peace with your husband. Only you know him well enough to take all these different perspectives to heart and find the right approach. But please, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your love for him, take positive action NOW. Be loving and firm and say that you are with him, in sickness and in health, and you will not let another day go by like this. I wish you both healing.

What non-psychiatric diagnosis caused you to rage and be abusive?

I had thyroid issues, a severe hormone imbalance, and a metabolic disorder. I take medications to regulate my thyroid and my hormones and my metabolism, and I exercise daily and follow a careful diet. My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, and he saw me transformed with the proper treatment, from someone who was flying high one minute to deeply depressed the next to throwing things in fury. Truly changed everything for me.

But to be totally honest, it was also a spiritual thing for me. For a number of years, I thought I could write my own rules, and I was really selfish. When I realized I had been wrong, I needed forgiveness, received forgiveness, and sought out the graces to be strong when I was weak--that was the final, essential piece. Because my bad behavior had become a deeply ingrained habit, and it took a lot of work to break those years of patterns of behavior.

Humans are complex creatures. I am temperamentally a passionate person. I am physically a chronically ill person. I am emotionally a sensitive person. Somehow, I never turned to alcohol or drugs (too scared to lose control that way?), but for some people, those are weaknesses. Spiritually, I want to be good but "the flesh is weak.". I try to do better every day.

OP, I made a mistake when I said that finding explanations for your husband's actions will give YOU ways to "fix" him. He is the only one who can fix himself, and he will probably need the help of a Higher Power. So please, by all means, seek out help for him, for both of you. Just remember the complexity of what you are dealing with. Humans are physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Your husband needs to heal in body, mind, heart, and soul. He needs to know what he has done is WRONG just as much as he needs to know WHY he tends to indulge in these behaviors.

But you can control your reactions to him. You can protect yourself and your children. And you can love him, unconditionally, while protecting yourself and your children.

My husband's patient love saved me, and it took time and effort and, yes, medical intervention. I don't know what your husband's story will be, but I hope it has a happy ending for all of you.

So, PP, to be clear, I chose to indulge in rages and abusive behavior because I am a weak, fallen human being. I also happened to have some medical conditions that made me prone to irrational, emotional, impulsive behavior--but that was an explanation for my exceptional weakness, not an excuse for it. And I am deeply sorry for all the harm I caused.