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Frustrated with friend who is always canceling plans
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Anonymous
| A friend of mine is always making plans with me and then cancels at the last minute. If this were a rare event it would be no big deal, but she cancels on me what seems to be more than 50% of the time - so much so that it is a running joke between me and my husband. She doesn't always give a reason, but when she does, her reasons for canceling are never what I'd consider good (e.g. on more than one occasion she's said her husband has plans so she needs to take care of the dogs (I mean, what about OUR plans)). I feel like I've tried to be a good friend to her, and yet I feel like she puts everything and everyone else above our time together. She has canceled on me the last three times we were supposed to hang out, and the latest excuse is that she "forgot" and left town. I'm so frustrated that I haven't called/texted her back because I don't know what to say. Should I approach her about it or am I being unreasonable and should I just let it go? TIA. |
Anonymous
| I'd say this friendship is dead. |
Anonymous
OP...I'm probably this friend type.  I'm just not that into getting together, hanging out, etc. I make plans and then as the date approaches, I'm looking towards it with dread. Not really sure why...I value my friendships...but I'm just not into hanging out.
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Anonymous
| Um, I think she let you know her feelings when she put her dogs ahead of you. Time to move on. |
Anonymous
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Why would you think YOU are the one being unreasonable? This friend is clearly the one with the issues. If it were me I'd just decide not to be friends with this person anymore. It's clear she does not have much respect for your time, and thus for the friendship. What I would do is instead of a confrontation, just not return emails and phone calls. Unless she is reciprocating every time she cancels the plans at the last minute, I wouldn't want to be friends anymore.
People like this bug me. |
Anonymous
| Someone who would continually make plans with another person -- and I take it from your description that she is actually instigating these plans -- only to break off the plans at the last minute on flimsy excuses actually sounds very hostile and a little crazy. It's like she is putting you through your paces only to disappoint you in the end. Do you want to keep playing this game with her? You know how it's going to end, right? |
Anonymous
| But how's the friendship when you DO connect? I have a friend like this-- cancels about 50% of the time, for kid reasons, or work reasons (no dogs-- that would really steam me!)-- but she's terrific except for her scheduling disability. So I put up with it. And I know that if I ever needed to cancel on her (which almost never happens) I wouldn;t have to feel guilty about it. |
Anonymous
| At worst she's not really into being friends without but still makes plans and then backs out, and at best, she's a complete mess with poor organizational skills and the wrong priorities. In any case, I think you should never make plans with her again and move on. If she asks why, you can be direct about why. |
Anonymous
I sometimes feel like this too, but after I get together with the person/people, I'm always glad I did. I'm a pretty social person generally so I have no idea why I've become this way. |
Anonymous
How do you even have friends if you don't get together with them? |
Anonymous
| I had a friend like this. I eventually just stopped. Stopped planning, stopped trying, stopped doing anything. If she contacts me to get together, I'm very friendly and am open to the suggestion but am clear that she needs to take the lead. It goes nowhere and I try not to sweat it. She moved pretty far down in my "friend" list. |
Anonymous
| OP here, and thanks all. When we DO get together we have a fabulous time, so I hate to just cut off all contact. Plus, I don't have tons of other friends in the area. But I think I'll let her take the lead from now on and spend my time trying to make some new friends -- that don't cancel on me. |
Anonymous
| I have a friend who went through a period of being like that. It turns out she was suffering from depression. |
Anonymous
| I'm a friend like that. I've just started medication for depression. I get so incredibly anxious before doing social stuff and end up crawling into bed. I'm pretty fun and extroverted so people wouldn't know. |
Anonymous
I'm another one -- can't figure out why I dread the scheduled plans! I do force myself to go through with things, but I rarely commit in the first place |